Dear Kinkster,
I have always been into BDSM and the Dom/sub rolls for a long time. I just don’t know when to start!
I have tried vanilla sex, but I feel like I’m lacking something. Like, it just isn’t interesting or fun. I’m about to finish high school and I’m starting my first year of university. Do you think it would be a good time to start BDSM? And if so, how could I meet people who are into BDSM like me?
I have heard about bars that are like, strictly BDSM bars, but are they really safe to meet someone? I’m afraid about meeting the wrong person. What if they’re a rapist and are trying to kidnap me or something ? How can I tell I’m in a safe environment?
– Curious Kinkster
These are all awesome questions that everyone who is pondering expanding their intimate lifestyle into the BDSM world asks.
First off, do your research. There are soooooooo many amazing books that talk about BDSM, what the roles look like, descriptions of various play, what a scene is, etc. So, to start off, do some reading. One of my favorite books is Gloria Brame’s “Different Loving” or “The Ultimate Guide to Kink” by the also amazing, Tristan Taormino. These women own it, and know exactly what they’re talking about.
Secondly, if you’re looking to meet other people or even just do a little more research about the scene, a great website that has forums, info and the ability to connect with others is FetLife.com. MOST people who play, also play by the rules. A common misconception about kink, fetish and BDSM play is that they are randomly selected intimate acts. This is anything but true. This world is all about consent, respect, and release. All people that I know who play have very strict rules and guidelines that allow them to play safely, with consent, and experience pleasure and fun all at the same time.
BDSM bars should be relatively safe – but if you don’t feel safe in a situation, then tell someone. A similar question to this was answered on SGP and you can read about that here!
Likewise, though, it is important to know where you stand; what are your fetishes, soft and hard limits, specific preferences. I’m sorry to break it to you, but finding a BDSM partner can be harder than finding a vanilla partner! The reason is that you are trying to find someone with common interests that you enjoy not only playing with, but feel safe with. That’s a BIG part of the play – safety. Everything should be negotiated ahead of time including (but not limited to) sexual acts, safer sex, the type and degree of any potential bondage, physical and emotional limitations, and so forth. There are these great resources, “How to Spot a Potential Abuser” or “Warning Signs of a Bad Dom” that can help guide you through discovering red flags to be aware of when entertaining the idea of joining this lifestyle.
Developing relationships in your own local BDSM community is the safest way to go about it all, really. Make friends, attend a munch, talk to those in attendance, join an online community. Developing these relationships will lead toward you meeting or being introduced to someone who might be more in tune with what your needs are and meeting a potential partner. This is a lifestyle, not a one-off dating thing. If you’re into handcuffs during sex every once in a while, then that’s different from actually entering into this world. There is a reason people enter the lifestyle that is a deeper level of intimacy than “handcuffs on a Friday night”. So you really need to evaluate if this is what you want. You will, however, find that people will react to your concerns with kindness and help you figure it out when you do go in to explore the scene. That also goes for questions. Going to a social/munch to play or watch is another great opportunity to ask questions and potentially discover what your tastes are.
The only way you’ll be able to know what you’re into, what it’s like, or any other information is to ask questions. So, trust your gut, do your research and most importantly, don’t forget to have fun!
Submit your questions to [email protected].
