How the fuck am I alive…

I ask myself this every time I get home from an overly wild and intoxicated night out. I find myself in one piece, in a bed, often next to my Partner In Crime. They hold back your hair while telling everyone else you are fine, strong and still beautiful; even with remnants of lunch over your face, dress at your waist, heels off your feet and crying because you can’t walk anywhere without falling to your knees. Or that might be just me.

In the morning you feel the pains of the night before. Questionable bruises on your knees, your toes somewhat massacred, and a hangover from Hell. Does a speedy hangover exist? No. Unfortunately, there is no shortcut to good health. But I can share with you some knowledge I have gained from research and experience, which could assist you on your testing journey back to normalcy.

Hangover cures are something your older family members are experts at of course. Their tips include, not drinking, not drinking too much, and being responsible. Great tips, right? I know those tips really help you while you hibernate in a dark room feeling sorry for yourself, but I have some other tips which could also be useful to those in need.

Preparing to Suffer

There’s a reason people call it ‘tactical chunder.’ Throwing up your evening’s alcoholic intake could lead to a faster hangover recovery: By getting rid of the alcohol in your stomach, the body has less to get through, and so the body will quicker be rid of the poison inside it. So hold up! Don’t swallow back that sick! Unleash the beast!

After your tactical vomiting: For those of you who are still aware of your future and surroundings: If you can, take an aspirin with a good amount of water BEFORE you sleep/pass out, and make sure you can stomach it. The aspirin will lessen the after effects of your intoxication when you wake up, and this cannot be a bad thing.

Let the Slutty Suffering Begin

“I swear I’m never drinking again.” – said everyone ever

You’ll be feeling the pounding headache. This is because of the lack of moisture it has; due to the fact the water was used to cleanse your body of alcoholic beverages. Take another aspirin with a glass of water to aid the body with its recovery. And, we all know this, but drink lots of water and STICK to water. I have a large plastic bottle which I fill with water everyday so I don’t have to keep filling up cups. When you are in a state where you can hardly walk, this makes things a little easier.

De-caffeinated tea should be okay but any caffeine intake could lead to you feeling even worse after the buzz. IF you require a hot drink, I’d suggest hot water with a slice of lemon, or herbal tea. If you want that little something extra, poke a cocktail umbrella in the lemon and acquire a straw for an instant alcohol free cocktail!

HAVE BREAKFAST. Always.

Skipping breakfast is not a good idea. Although I know a lot of people just don’t eat breakfast because it makes them feel sick or they don’t have time, and before I started to get healthy I never had breakfast. But ironically, having breakfast is the best thing you can do for your body in the morning, especially when suffering from a hangover. Your body is in repair. It needs heavy doses of the good stuff it lost. Potassium, sodium and sugar levels will be low.

What should I eat?

There is a lot of potassium in bananas. Eat them! They’re sexy.  Eggs are also perfect for helping relieve hangovers. They are full of protein, and carry healthy amounts of sodium to bring back the healthy levels. Another great idea are smoothies. I’d use mixed berries, apples, pineapples and bananas for a super healthy and fruity smoothie. If you can’t stomach it you should just take small sips every 5 minutes or so, still not forgetting to drink an ocean of water.

Hopefully your hangover won’t be so severe and with these tips, you can recover in time for the next nights antics!

Lets drink slutizens! Cheers!