You’ve been with your partner for a few months and things are going well. They get along with your woefully critical friends, their sense of humor meshes seamlessly with your cynical sarcasm, and even your finicky cat doesn’t mind their five-night-a-week presence. And then they pop the question: Would you ever be down for a threesome?

Editor’s Note: This article discusses a threesome in the context of a monogamous relationship. Interested in exploring other options? We’ve also written about polyamory and open relationships, which may have a different dynamic than a monogamous relationship. It’s also possible that you might want to be the “third person” in the threesome, or engage in a threesome with two other single people! Comment below with your experiences, thoughts, and questions!

Your heart skips a beat, there’s a lump in your throat, and you suddenly can’t remember how to swallow. Breathe and gulp. Breathe and gulp. Why is an involuntary reflex so complicated to master in this moment? You try to respond but all that comes out is a squeak instead of a direct answer as you replay the entire Wild Things movie in your head.

After the longest pause in awkward silence history, you finally manage an “I don’t know” because in all honesty, you don’t really know. And so they eventually leave after a few more beers and rounds of making out, letting you know, before they go, that – no pressure – they’re open to a threesome, if you’re comfortable. You shrug your shoulders, attempting to demonstrate your “cool girl” attitude with a nonchalant “I’ll consider it” followed by a self-perceived sexy wink that really just looks like you’ve got something in your left eye.

But you just don’t “consider it”, you dissect the matter more painstakingly than your ninth grade frog experiment. You spend a week Googling and chatting with your friends, trying desperately before you see your partner again to determine if you are ready for a ménage a trois. But all you’re left with is haphazard confusion and an empty bottle of wine. How do you know? How do you know?!

I’ve only experienced two threesomes in my life (coincidently in the same wild weekend getaway to Los Angeles) and both incidents were, unfortunately, more of an ordeal than an adventure. Between the nervous small talk, odd positioning, and tinge of jealousy, the act felt intimately inauthentic so much so that when the same partner I had a threesome with asked me a year later if I was still interested, I told him no, it lost its allure.

That’s why the first go around can’t be precarious or spontaneous, but carefully thought through to avoid any hurt feelings, unnecessary drama, or inner self-turmoil. So here, my friend, is how you know you really are ready for a threesome.

You’re not giving into pressure.

Don’t just do it to please your partner – do it because you actually are craving the experience. If you both are equally aroused by the thought of a steamy threesome, then dive right in, but don’t just begrudgingly sign up to make your partner happy. Taking one for the team will probably just make the action unpleasant for all players involved.

You don’t feel the need to drink or get stoned.

If you feel a shot (or two) is imperative in getting you loose and relaxed enough to engage, then you probably aren’t ready. If sober you needs some liquid courage to brace through the sexual experience, then that is a clear sign adding another person to the equation is just going turn up the stress level rather than dial up the fun.

Consider: Are you prone to jealousy?

Part of the reason my threesome wasn’t as sexually liberating as I envisioned was watching my guy get down on another girl. While I knew my jealousy could escalate, seeing my beau climb on top of another woman put my feelings on full blast — I literally cowered back into a corner during the middle of sex! Don’t make my mistake and have your worst romantic fear actualized in front of you. If you dread the thought of your partner wrapped around someone else already, then hit the brake before it’s too late.

Analyze the relationship.

Do you trust your partner? Do you feel secure and confident in the relationship? If so, then go for it. But if you are afraid they will like being with the third person more, then that is a subtle indication the romance might not be able to handle another addition. Furthermore, if your relationship is on the mend from infidelity or sexual hang-ups, a threesome could actually exacerbate those tensions.

“If there’s any history of physical or emotional infidelity in your relationship, a threesome could open up old wounds,” Dr. Yvonka De Ridder says. “Just telling yourself it will be fine isn’t enough, you need to really address those concerns before you try anything.”

If you two are not rock solid and excellent communicators, things might not go as smoothly as hoped.

Be real about your emotional stability.

Not only does the relationship need to have a strong foundation, but so does your own mental state. If you are struggling with crippling anxiety lately or having difficulty managing stress, then a new, rather intensifying, sexual experience can heighten your fragile emotions and lead to an outburst, so don’t risk it. Plus, any emotional baggage will surely drag down the potential enjoyment of a threesome.

Go with your gut.

A million factors could point to whether you are ready or not, but the best piece of advice is your own intuition. When you know, you know. And if the thought of a ménage a trois puts a pit in your stomach, then trust that uneasiness.