For many Slutty Girls, every cramp, bout of nausea, or weird gassy feeling in your stomach between periods leads to one thought: OH SHIT WHAT IF I’M PREGNANT?!? Even if you’re using protection (which I certainly hope you are), your mind always jumps to the worst case scenario. Add a late period into the mix and you’re living in a nightmare.
Here’s what to expect from a pregnancy scare:
1. Try to figure out if your period is actually late.
Look at your day planner, go through old texts, try to find anything that is solid proof of when exactly your last period happened.
2. Google failure rates for whatever type of birth control you’re using.
Freak out and assume that you must be in the tiny minority of people who get pregnant anyway.
3. Contemplate texting your gentleman friend.
Or should you call him? Actually, this is probably more of an “in person” kinda thing. No, wait, no need to scare him, too. Better take a pregnancy test first and find out for sure.
4. Give yourself a pep talk:
I am a grown ass lady and I can totally waltz into the drugstore and casually buy a pregnancy test!
5. Travel to the other side of town.
Go to a drugstore in a different neighborhood because you don’t want the cashier you buy tampons and shampoo from to judge you.
6. See someone you know at the drugstore.
Awkwardly creep through the aisles trying to avoid them.
7. Select a pregnancy test.
Randomly grab a bunch of other stuff too in hopes that somehow the cashier won’t notice you’re buying a pregnancy test.
8. Go home.
Read the instructions ten times to make sure you don’t somehow mess up.
9. Realize you don’t need to pee right now.
Chug a venti iced drink from Starbucks.
10. Try not to pee on your hand.
11. Realize you just got your period.
Shake fist and curse your uterus for wasting fifteen bucks.
The last step may just have been me… In which case…
11. Look at the clock.
Wait for what seems like three hours.
12. Cross your fingers
and work up enough courage to look at the test.
13. And it’s… NEGATIVE!