Scrolling down my Facebook wall, which is like an ex boyfriend that I go back to when I’m bored, I saw someone has posted an article from Cosmo called “30 Ways to Please a Man”. Thinking it would be filled with absolutely bogus sex tips, I clicked on it for pure enjoyment and a good laugh. However, after scrolling through their slide show, I realized how completely insane this is. The writer of this article seems to do everything for her boyfriend, so much so that I even wonder if she even wipes his ass for him. Below is a list of the most insane of Cosmo’s ways to “please a man”.

Wash his car. / Watch baseball with him. / Play video games with him. / Take him fishing.

These were all separate in the Cosmo article, but I grouped them together for one reason: THESE ARE ALL THINGS THAT MEN LIKE TO DO ALONE OR WITH OTHER MEN. Would you ever invite your boyfriend with you to get your nails done, watch the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, or even to go for drinks with the girls? The answer is no, and it’s for those same reasons that you should let your guy do the things above alone. Guys find peace in doing things with the guys. Let’s be honest here, we all need time away from our significant other sometimes!

Pretend you care about whatever he’s talking about.

This is the most bogus thing to me, how are you going to build a relationship on lying about things you might be interested in? If you don’t care about what he is saying, there is no way to fake it. He will know! I’m not saying don’t listen to things he has to say… it’s good to listen, even if you are not interested. But relationships are built on listening, not lying. Don’t pretend to like or care about something that you don’t!

Make his bed.

I don’t even make my own damn bed, and I for sure am not making someone else’s. Also, won’t we just be messing it up together later anyway?

Put air in his tires.

Isn’t that something he should do for me? I don’t think I have ever even put air in my car tires… I should probably check that out.

Watch a movie you don’t care about but he loves.

Honestly, if I’m watching some stupid war movie I don’t give two shits about, I will be asleep before the opening credits even end. I don’t expect you to watch Sex and the City with me, so don’t expect me to watch The Hobbit with you.

Throw his laundry in with yours.

You are a full grown man, do your own laundry. Once again; I’m your girlfriend, not your mother. Throwing our laundry in together gives me more things to fold and separate, and I don’t even like doing that with my own clothes.

Buy him clothes.

I’m a struggling broke college student. I paid for a McDonald’s kids meal with quarters and dimes the other day, and haven’t bought myself clothes in ages, so I will most definitely will not be buying you new clothes.

Organize his sock drawer.

How does one even truly organize a sock draw? I forgot socks even come in matching pairs to be honest.

Make coffee and bring it to him in bed.

Truth is, I don’t get out of bed until I have to… and barely make it to Starbucks to get myself a coffee. So you can get up and stop somewhere to get your own.

Tell him he’s special.

Is this kindergarten? Plus, if I’m trying this whole “boyfriend” thing, you should already know you are pretty damn special to stop my slutty ways for a while.

Bring him a burrito.

I’d probably eat it before I even got it to you.

Get a storage drawer for your accessories.

I will leave my accessories anywhere I please. The floor, the dresser, the bathroom sink for all I care. If you don’t like it – you can clean them up.

I’m not saying doing things for your boyfriend is frowned upon, at all! Give and take is what makes relationships work… but pretending your into something when you’re not is not a healthy way to function in a relationship. From my experience, I have found that the best ways to please a man are: Sleep with him, Feed Him, and Give him some beer. These tips are much easier and cause less stress. I guess I also will be resubscribing to Cosmopolitan in order to check out any other false information. I say we all get together, have a few drinks, and laugh at some Cosmo Tips To Skip.