Looking for an original Halloween costume idea?
Try being an IRL (In Real Life) Ghost to someone you know who likes to just disappear on the perfectly nice people they’re dating! Literally. Just wear whatever you have on, then in the middle of a date or convo, tell the other person you are going to “ghost” on them and hide somewhere! Under a table, in a closet, behind a dumpster – you pick! Total fail right? Because ghosting in person is impossible, therefore it’s the way to go, people.
Look, I get it. Ghosting is great for a fast exit from an awkward situation – like being able to float through walls and shit. Ghosting is scary for people putting themselves out there because they question their own perceptions of what is real and what is not. For example, did he actually say, “I really love hanging out with you!” or “It’s really nice to connect with someone.” Or could I be hearing voices? Was he even an actual person? Was he dead the whole time?
So join the pack of real-life Ghost-Ball-Busters this Halloween and call out anyone you know who doesn’t think they owe a goodbye to someone they’ve seen topless.
You’re still with me? Great. Let me arm you with some talking points. First of all, a lot of ghosters don’t even realize they’re ghosting. Or they know, and they’re in denial because even they know how cruel it can be. So you’ve got to help them see the whole picture of their invisible selves. Let’s review the two main reasons I hear people claim as reasons they ghost.
1. I didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.
That’s like saying “I backed into your car but didn’t want to leave a note because I felt bad.” The damage is inevitable but the note at least scores a point for common decency, whereas, the lack of one strikes a blow. If you don’t leave a note, that’s basically a hit-and-run which, by definition in the land of casual dating, is ghosting!
Here is the deal: we are wired for empathy during a face-to-face convo with a person, not sterile texts or even over the phone- empathy being a good thing and something that makes us decent humans. It means that breaking up with someone will feel a little bad at the time but it’s much better in the long run. That goes for both parties. Do you want to have to stay invisible when you see the person you dumped at a party, or be able to say, “Hi, how ya been?”
2. I’ll be back (maybe).
The second reason, crazy as it may sound, is that they wanted to leave the door open for a possible reappearance. By leaving their departure vague, their reentry is possible. Apparently, it works! When someone dies and then magically appears again that’s pretty exciting for the living. Honestly, that person who is excited to answer their ghoster’s long-awaited text message basically has a version of Stockholm Syndrome.
It’s no longer about the genuine attraction they have to the ghoster, but the validation they’ve been previously denied by them. They just want to escape the feeling of being completely disposable- a feeling they ’re subjected to when someone ghosts on them.
It’s human nature for many of us to fill a void of information only with negative information about ourselves. But there’s little reason to suggest that the ghoster thinks of you that way. Dating is tough and rejection is inevitable. So tell your ghoster, if their main goal is damage control, they should at least leave a note or – better yet – deliver the rough news in person.
For the rest of the year, promote the “do it in person or not at all” approach to any and all electronic rejection or harassment. Spread the gospel of:
If I said or did this in person, would everyone around me feel like they need a shower or a meeting with HR?
See? It’s foolproof!
Early on when I was dating, I got dumped by some brave souls who had the maturity, nerve, and compassion to say it to my face. I am so grateful for them—because of that, I will never ghost someone even though others have done it to me. I understand the difference it can make in those tough moments. So, if nothing else, remind the ghosts in your life that what goes around comes around. Try to be a better person before you have to learn the hard way, now or in the afterlife.
Happy Halloween.
I myself was ghosted by an ex-Lover (he was my first love, and I was his; we lost our virginities together). So we had always shared a special bond. Because we were young, I broke things off with him in my senior year of HS (face to face, mind you, and that was tough to do). But I did it. We had been together exclusively for four years by that time.
Fast forward many years. Both of us are married and have our own families. But we met up by coincidence somewhere and exchanged numbers and one thing led to another and we began an affectionate/ passionate love affair. We were both going through problems in our marriages and although I know that it was the wrong thing to do, it felt like what we both “needed” at the time. Like an oxygen mask.
This went on for 9.5 years. YEARS. One night we were just driving around and he accidentally butt dialed his wife on his cell phone without him knowing it. She picked up and listened to everything that was said. It was just general conversation, so I’m not sure what she heard. Nothing special was said but she heard my voice and knew it was a female. She confronted him when he got home and I pretty much knew right then and there that it was the “kiss of death “ to our relationship. He never officially said so much as a “goodbye “ to me or anything to take away a bit of the sting. And you’re right; it feels like crap. ??
And I also have no idea of what REALLY happened: did he have to come clean? Admit everything? Promise to her, to her face, that he’d just drop me and never see me again? Or did he have this incredibly close call, and it woke him up? Realizing that he could no longer lead this “double life”? I don’t know. I have no idea. He never said a thing to me. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall so that I really knew exactly what went down.
Me? I’m still married. I don’t know if my husband knew about my infidelity or not. Maybe, maybe not. Me and the Lover didn’t get together in person too often, maybe every two months or so, because it was hard to find excuses to get away to be together. For both of us. But we did text and email quite a bit and so I am not 100% sure that my husband never did some digging and found anything. If he did, he’s never said and he doesn’t act any different towards me.
I did feel bad about having this affair; but at the time it felt like a chance to “continue/ finish what had originally been started” and was brought to an end by me, stupidly, in my youth. I never forgot about him throughout all of those years. But now, I find myself kind of hating him for not cutting the tie between us in a more mature, better, PROPER way- for both of us. I mean, you don’t just go and have an affair for 9.5 years with a woman that you loved and don’t end it right.
In closing, I wrote him one last letter and I did shame him in it for ghosting me and I told him off. That was the last contact with him that I had. He never responded and I just let it be.