March 17th marks the date of one of my favorite drinking holidays, St. Patrick’s Day. It’s a favorite because day drinking is encouraged. Plus, you’re practically forced to kiss strangers because they’re pretending to be Irish, and again, day drinking.

Through the years, I’ve learned a few survival skills for St. Patrick’s Day in cities that throw a big party. Planning is absolutely required for things like lodging and parking. Aside from that, you better be ready to go with the flow of where the green beer takes you! Many visitor-friendly cities host parades and large crowds. This year, I’ll personally be in Savannah, GA, where their parade is the second largest in the country and typically attracts around 300,000 people. It promises to be worth every drunken moment.

Lay of the Land

For a holiday that involves day drinking, you need to remember a few things. You’re probably going to be outside most of the time so, come prepared with long-wear makeup, sunscreen, and layers. If you can avoid bringing a purse, do it.  There are going to be too many people, and you’re likely to lose it,or have things stolen. Once you’re on the move, figure out where the public restrooms and ATM machines are located. Prepare yourself with an understanding of the city’s layout and plan to pace yourself!

Green Beer Can’t Be Wrong

Now that we have yourself familiar with your surroundings, let’s talk about drinking! The quickest and easiest thing to get your hands on is going to be beer. If you’re in a city like Savannah, New Orleans or Key West… you have these wonderful jewels called To-Go Cups! They are 16 ounces of freedom. They come in varieties of light, dark, or something like piss… and they’re mobile. To avoid fines, make sure you only have one cup in your hand at a time, that the cup is plastic and that your wristbands can clearly be seen. I also suggest switching it up with a water every few stops at the beer tents. The goal is to last through the day and night, and you don’t want to peak too early or pass out.

Kiss Me! Everybody’s Irish!!

So, we’re familiar with our surroundings, we have a drink… now where are the men?! Odds are they’re everywhere, and they’re probably DTF. There are typically LOTS of men in uniform and KILTS. Parades make that magic happen. Personally, these well-dressed men and guys that look like a 1950’s bad-boy are my a la carte selections. They’re usually in shape, good at spending money on booze (which might mean free drinks for you!), and generally more familiar with the casual hook-up. That being said, don’t forget your contraceptives! If they’re more likely to be hook-up masters, you’re at a greater risk for STD exposure. Don’t let your conquest tunnel vision lower your expectations of health and safety!

Avoiding the Creepy Leprechauns

There are a few men that I think you should avoid, based on my experiences. We live and learn, and boy have I learned. Use your best judgment, and try not to be fooled by your alcohol-induced haze. I assure you, your vision and standards will be heavily skewed the longer you play the game. Below is a list of men you don’t want to follow to a hotel room.

(Please print it out and use it as a guide, and add to the roster with your friends. It’ll be like  a Drunken Fool Scavenger Hunt!)

  • Any guy in a weird hat – The Dr. Suess-esque top-hat-wearing type of guy. He has NO clue what he’s doing.
  • Guys wearing shirts that actually say things like “DTF” – That guy is incredibly selfish in bed, or he’s a virgin.
  • Men that shout out crude things to you – Just because you’re looking to hook-up doesn’t mean he can be disrespectful!
  • Men that send their friends to approach you – He lacks confidence. You’re on a time crunch and he’ll cave under pressure.
  • Men that are too drunk to remember your name – If his short-term memory has already slipped, so will his erection.

Getting (and staying) Lucky

Once you’ve identified the man, we need to recap the safety precautions. As always, condoms – condoms – condoms! Don’t go anywhere without someone else knowing where you’re going, whom you’re with and how to find you. Don’t skip the details ladies, you want a friend to know room numbers, names, and addresses.  I know that sounds like I’m being a fun-sponge and taking away all your adventure, but rape and abductions happen, so please be smart.

The Pot of Gold

As your adventure winds down, and you’re taking your Stride of Pride the next day, make notes of all the fun or crazy details because we want you to join our Illumi-naughty and tell us about your sex-capades in our Slut-Fessions section!