Yes, I’m single. Yes, I like to have a lot of sex. I might have been friends with your boyfriend for years. I might have even hooked up with him one time months before you two met each other. Or, I might even be the random girl who just walked into the room and said hello. But I assure you, I don’t want your boyfriend. I don’t want to date him. I don’t want to make him cheat on you. I’m not going to get a strange joy out of seducing him away from you. Even if I was discontent with my current relationship status (which I’m not), that doesn’t mean that I’d want to break up your relationship. Being a slut is not synonymous with being a homewrecker.

There’s certainly a stigma that comes with being known as a slut and embracing and owning the term. The idea is that every girl who makes the choice to have sex when she wants and embraces those choices wants to have sex with everyone. And as someone who experiences that stigma, it’s not fun, ever. I don’t like walking into a room with fifteen girls who all whisper behind my back and even to my face about how I’m some trashy tramp out to steal their boyfriend. I’m not. And in writing this article, I’m not trying to be rude and attack a girlfriend who has been cheated on in the past. I’m just trying to remind people of the stigma that comes with being a slut, and that just because I like to have sex doesn’t mean I like to have sex with everyone, including people in relationships.

If you’re worried that a slut might steal your boyfriend, take a look at the situation again. Are you judging her too harshly? Are you making assumptions about her? The answer is probably yes. Keep reading to see why we really, truly, honestly don’t want your man.

Totally Different Definitions

What is a slut? If you type “slut definition” into Google, the official definition is “a woman who has many casual sexual partners”. Yes, that’s pretty basic, black and white, and for purposes of this column, a fairly accurate working definition.

What about homewrecker? Again using Google, we can define a working definition of homewrecker as “a person who is blamed for the breakup of a marriage or family, especially due to having engaged in an affair with one member of the couple”. It doesn’t even have any synonyms.

We can easily see that in dictionary terms, slut and home-wrecker are not created equal. For example, Samantha Jones is proudly and openly a slut, a girl who will “wear whatever, and blow whomever” she wants for as long as she can “breathe and kneel”. However, Samantha is never one to sleep with a man in a relationship, commonly known as “home wrecking” – let alone seek those guys out. She may be willing to sleep with any man she chooses, but that does not mean she’s going to sleep with a taken man.

“Home-wreckers”, on the other hand, are entirely different in their actions and motivations. They may also be sluts, but the terms do not automatically go together.

If a Slut if Your BF’s Best Friend

They’ve known each other for years, and they love to throw back a few beers together and talk sports. You have always questioned whether they’re really “just friends”. You glare at her from across the room and constantly complain about how she always talks to your boyfriend. Yet, your boyfriend goes on being friends with her. Maybe he’s even defended her, and you’re pissed.

If you want to keep your relationship happy, the constant complaining that she’s a demonic bitch out to ruin your relationship just needs to stop. Now.

First of all, do you really think that giving immense hatred and mistrust to your boyfriend’s best friend is going to strengthen your relationship? It’s only going to build up tension and resentment between you, especially if they’ve been friends for a long time. If they’ve been friends for life, he could very well be like a brother to her, and vice versa. Put yourself in his shoes: Would you want to leave your long-time BFF, just because your boyfriend is jealous that he’s a player? It will create a divide between you that is hard to repair. Just speaking logically here.

Even if she is a slut, her relationship with your boyfriend is probably exactly how they present it. They are friends, so like all other friendship, she probably values his happiness. She’s not going to home wreck her best friend’s relationship – if for no other reason because of the grief it would cause him. She probably wants him to be happy, so she’s not going to just sabotage his life out of the blue. It would destroy him, and ultimately, may destroy their friendship. Why would she risk that?

Instead of hating her for her personal life decisions, you could be cordial terms with her, get to know her, and ease your mind that nothing’s going to happen. Odds are, if you were open to her about your fears, she would be happy to explain that she would never do that to you, your boyfriend, or any relationship. Sluts, like most other people, also have a moral compass. Being promiscuous does not equal a lack of respect for other human feelings.

If a Slut has Hooked Up with Your BF Before

If the slut in question is a girl who has actually hooked up with your boyfriend in the past, I definitely understand your wariness. I’ll even go so to say that she’s probably never going to be your favorite person. But does obsessing about the past and thinking of every possible thing they might have ever done together really help things? It doesn’t.

Assuming that every single girl your boyfriend has ever kissed, received a blow job from, or had sex with is trying to steal your relationship – will hurt you in the long run. I have friends who have kissed over 60 girls in high school… and I know girlfriends who have taken the time out of their lives to hate every single one of those girls. It’s tiring for you, and is taking away time that you could use constructively building your relationship. Ultimately, it takes time away from you actually enjoying life. Stop obsessing. Let it go. (Trust me, the slut has!)

Rather than obsessing over a past that you can’t change, consider the strength of your connection with your boyfriend, and use it to empower yourself and your relationship. GIRL, you are in charge! He wants to be with you! If he wanted to be with Slutty Suzy who blew him at his fraternity formal last year, he’d be with Slutty Suzy! But he’s with you! I know it’s not that easy to beat the jealousy bug, but the only way to beat it is with confidence. You’re with him now, so own it – love it – live it in the moment – and forget about anything that happened before you. It’s in the past for a reason.

Anyway, maybe it would be worth your while to become friendly with your Eskimo Sister. I’m not saying you have to be best friends, but you both have one thing in common, and you can laugh about it together. It may even help to ease your fears that she’s still interested, because you’ll clearly see that your boyfriend’s the last person she wants to hook up with. Been there, done that!

Stop the Stereotypes

Just because she’s dressed in the shortest dress at the club doesn’t mean she also wants to bang every boy in the club. I can’t make a complete generalization about all sluts, but I can say that all the ones I know are not looking to get caught up in a messy love triangle disaster. We’re trying to have fun! Breaking up relationships isn’t fun for most people; it’s messy, painful, and causes a lot of guilt. It’s no one’s idea of a good time, and trust me, sluts want to stay far, far away from that drama. The best way to remind yourself that not all sluts are demons trying to steal your man – is to get to know them as people, not just their face, a story, and the rumors you’ve heard about them. The sooner we stop assigning labels to the girls who just want to have a good time and meet a single guy, the sooner we can take some of the hate out of being a girl. The slut is a slut because she enjoys expressing her sexuality – not because she wants your guy!