Tickets are bought and bags are packed. It. is. really. here! Spring Break is the Mecca of all things carefree and sexy. Whether you are travelling with two of your closest friends or half of your senior class, the fact of the matter is, the guys you meet on Spring Break will likely fall into seven different categories. I’ve been on my fare share of March vacations to impart my wisdom and warn my fellow sluts of what you’ll see on your anxiously awaited week away.

1. The Party Animal

This guy has been counting down the days for this trip since Thanksgiving. He doesn’t take a break from partying the whole week – “can’t stop, won’t stop” if you will. Whether he’s egging you on to take body shots off your sorority sister, or he’s threatening to push you in the pool with his big white smile, this guy has always got his mind turning. Take him up on going for an adventure when your girls aren’t feeling up to it, but feel free to deny his ever-so-persistent “you should totally dance on stage” tactics. He can get redundant, but remember this is the “BEST WEEK OF MY LIFE!”

2. The Creeper

This guy isn’t looking forward to just a break from school or work; he is mostly looking forward to watching girls in bikinis. Can you blame him? Not really. Are his eyes making you want to throw a coverup on? Indeed.

You can recognize the creeper because every time you look right, your eyes meet. He always has eyes on you and your friends, and when he gets confident (delusional) enough, he lingers next to your group and tries to make his way into the conversation or dance circle. When creepers approach me and my girls, dick to ass and hands on thighs at parties or bars, we always have a code. If I scratch my nose exaggeratedly to my roommate, she looks around for an intruder… then intervenes, and we vacate.

You can look but you can’t touch is my rule. A slap will come your way if you lay a hand under my tunic.


Maybe you came along with some guy friends. You expected to hang with your girls on the beach all day and maybe meet up with the dudes so they can safely walk you to the bars at night. Think again. Spring break changes people. I once had a crush on a guy that I knew from class, but was quickly discouraged when I saw him finger banging some rando at a club in the Bahamas.

4. The Local

This guy can vary. Maybe you appreciate accents. Maybe you just like free drugs. Either way, this guy is likely thrilled to talk to half naked, half sober American girls gallivanting his city. Enjoy their music and culture at least a little bit during your wild week away. Get advice from the cute bartender on where the best local shops are so you can barter like the international gal you are.

5. The Slop

Spring break is for letting loose, grabbing some legal or under aged drinks, and getting a little crazy. Some people take this to another level. You’ll see this guy stumbling through the resort halls, eyes half closed at 10am… WITH a girly frozen drink in hand. Laugh at this guy with your girls, but be careful of his large body crashing into you when he loses balance. You’ll start to feel like throwing up your daiquiri is the sure sign that you’re having enough fun, but by the end of the week, the free drinks won’t be worth the lazy eye and mouth spitting you’ll have to tolerate.

6. Romeo

Cocktails are flowing and I can wear a strapless romper at night, so I’m already thrilled. This guy friends me on Facebook after a night of talking through Red Hot Chilli Peppers’ greatest outside Señor Frogs, and I’m sold. “I never thought I could meet a girl like you on Spring Break.” The next morning you wake up and realize you now have to avoid him for the rest of the trip. He’s sweet, but mindless texting to someone from Idaho isn’t what you came here for.

7. Professional Clubber

You’re excited to dance with someone who looks as enthusiastic as this guy, however Molly and the Caribbean sun leave his sweat staining both his clothes and yours. He isn’t buying you a drink, but you’re okay with it because you’re grinding like the dirty ho you can’t be at school, because no one here is threatening to ruin your reputation. You’ll dance through a few wordless and electronic songs and go on your merry way.