Chelsea is everything we want in a best friend: slutty, funny, bitchy, and vodka-loving. With book titles such as My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One Night Stands and Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea how could we not award her the honor of Slut of The Week? Not only a highly successful author, she is also a recognized comedian with her own show on E!, Chelsea LatelyMs. Handler has been shocking America with her sharp with and alcohol-soaked humor since 2007 and continues to reward us with hilarious round table conversations (with the funniest comedians we’ve never heard of) and the oh so truthful interviews she gives to A list celebs.

Stats

Name: Chelsea Handler
Twitter: @chelseahandler & @chelsealately

Birthday: February 25, 1975
Sign: Pisces
Hometown: Livingston, NY
Occupation: Comedian, Writer, TV personality

Claim to Fame: Girls Behaving Badly, The Chelsea Handler Show, Chelsea LatelyAre You There, Vodka? It’s Me, ChelseaMy Horizontal Life, A Collection of One Night StandsLies Chelsea Handler Told Me


Badass Since the Beginning

In her book, Lies Chelsea Handler Told Me, we get to hear from each of her four siblings what growing up with Chelsea was like and hilarity ensues. According to her brother, Roy Handler, Chelsea spurted off her first insult when she was two and never let up. Chelsea, never a woman to skip around taboo topics saw any chance to humiliate someone as a chance to practice her comedy. As early as kindergarten she was jumping right onto the embarrassing is funny train and would regularly ask her brother about his masturbation habits at the dinner table. Her sister, Shoshonna, has just as many lovely memories to share and describes Chelsea as, “Full as piss and vinegar from day 1” and assures us that by the time she was three, “she had the street smarts of a nine year old.”

Masturbation jokes? Taboo topics? Cynical sense of humor? Baby Chelsea Handler, we salute you.

Ms. Masturbation

Chelsea knows what a woman needs: a vibrator. Female masturbation is totally taboo but Chelsea thrusts right past that. Chelsea even understands that masturbation is a healthy release of energy! Chelsea preaches, “Even if times are tough and you’re enduring a terrible heartache, it’s important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.”

A slut that understands that it’s important not to hurt others? I guess this pistol has a soft side.

Chelsea also is working towards normalizing masturbation. She compares masturbation to menstruation using it as an excuse to get out of things she doesn’t feel like doing. Chelsea surprises an unsuspecting male by telling them she can’t, “I threw my back out masturbating.”

Chelsea, we know you definitely don’t care.

Mantra Maven

If you’re going through a bad breakup or the phrase “haters are my motivators” just isn’t doing it for you anymore Chelsea has given us the best gift ever wrapped in quotation marks. So whether your fluffing your hair or death glaring that prude with a ‘tude remember Ms. Handler’s wise words, “Sleeping around is a great way to meet people.” This slut believes that everything we love about Chelsea can be summed up in that quote and while you’re at it remember my quote too, “life’s all about who you know and who you/they blow.”

With those two mantra’s under your belt (see what I did there?) no close minded killjoy can get you down. Need just another push? Please see the rest of the Chelsea quotes below.

And finally,

  • “The great thing about rejection is that it doesn’t matter how many times you get rejected. All that needs to happen is if for one person to tell you ‘yes’ and then everybody else can go f*** themselves.”
    ― Chelsea Handler

Nude, dude!

Not only does her family assure us that “she had no use for clothing.” at age three but she has continued to throw her bra to the wind and rock her 40 year old nude body on national TV in a hilarious shower skit with Conan.

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A woman who loves nudity, masturbating, and drinking? We’re all about it. Oh! And Chelsea? Whenever you’re ready for a new best friend, I hope you’re in the market for the slutty kind.

 

 


As usual, the author acknoledges her use of gender articles and encourages everyone who identifies with anything to get slutty any time of day!