It’s 11a.m. on a Monday. I’m sitting at my desk at work, feeling a little…tense; part stressed about my deadlines, part sexually frustrated. I have a very healthy libido, and writing and reading about sex all day doesn’t exactly do anything to dull it. So, I slip out for my daily “coffee break”. Only, I’m not going for a coffee, I’m going for a wank.
Yes, you read that right – I flick the bean during work hours. When other colleagues are busy self-indulgently puffing on their cinnamon vapes and making trips to Starbucks to wait in line for ten minutes for their pumpkin lattes, I’m rubbing one out.
If it’s lunchtime, I’ll head home for a quick dalliance with my vibrator (perks of living walking distance from the office), but on the odd occasion I can’t wait that long, I’ll pop into the restroom, throw in my headphones, and silently surf some RedTube until my stresses are eased.
Fifteen minutes later, I’ll reemerge brighter and more focused, ready to tackle whatever the rest of the day throws at me. And it’s not just because I love masturbation. My unique stress release has scientifically proven benefits – unlike the mindless scrolling of social media and scoffing of fried, sugary foods that routinely takes place during break time.
A study published in The Journal Of Sexual Medicine found orgasms are actually better for the brain than typical mental exercises, like sudoku and crossword puzzles. This is because, during a climax, blood flow is boosted to every single part of the brain, whereas mental exercises only stimulate certain regions. In other words, if your employer wants to beat the 3 p.m. workplace productivity slump once and for all, they should seriously consider implementing a fap break policy.
“I would expect a masturbation policy to result in more focus, less aggression, higher productivity, and more smiling,” psychologist Dr. Cliff Arnall told Metro in an article last year.
“Certainly taking a masturbation break for boredom or an escape would increase work focus,”
And Dr Arnall and I are clearly not the only ones to have hit on this. A recent survey commissioned by adult product retailer, Hot Octopuss, found 40 percent of employees already masturbate on the job. Yep, almost half of us have discovered there’s a far healthier alternative to gulping back energy drinks and hitting up the office cookie jar for our afternoon pick-me-up.
“What we see [during masturbation] is a gradual increase in all the brain regions leading up to orgasm…Then afterward the brain cools off rapidly, leaving a clean, inspired slate,” explains behavioral neuroscientist and coauthor of The Orgasm Answer Guide, Barry R. Komisaruk, who’s spent over two decades studying the relationship between sexual activity and brain stimulation.
Besides a more focused mindset, masturbation is also incredibly effective at boosting a low mood, and improving energy levels, thanks to the release of feel-good endorphins and brain chemicals it triggers.
“It was a slow day and I was super tired. I took my phone off the wifi, pulled up my private browser, and got one out in the bathroom,” one employee confessed, in an anonymous Reddit thread on the topic.
“I masturbate at work all the time!!! It gets me through the day,” chimed in another office worker.
“I do it occasionally. Keeps me focused, and when I’m very sleepy it wakes me up and keeps me going until the end of the day,” admitted a third, in a similar thread.
So, what about workplace etiquette, and all that?
Well, for starters, unless it’s specifically written into your contract, your employer typically doesn’t have a right to dictate what you do in your allocated break time, especially if you live conveniently close to work, like me, and are able to masturbate in the privacy of your own bedroom. But if you’re limited on time, the office restroom is as good a place as any to have a quick wank.
To avoid any possible embarrassment or anxiety caused by being overheard, try plugging your headphones in to discreetly listen to some porn, and employing a pocket-sized silent vibrator.
Thanks to technology, you can find a vast array of clitoral stimulators disguised as tubes of lipstick – ideal for slipping into the toilet stall with, without raising any eyebrows, and so-called “silent vibrators” that make little to no noise, are perfect for people who are concerned about being overheard.
The fact is, what you do alone behind the closed door of your office restroom cubicle is really none of your employer’s business – provided you’re not doing it outside of your break time. So, fap away, I say. Because an apple a day might keep the doctor away, but a wank break may just be the best-kept secret for killing it at work.