My vagina has always been a mystery to me. My mom never talked to me about it besides, “keep your fingers out of there because Santa won’t visit naughty girls!” At the age of 15, when I first entered womanhood, I had to learn how to insert a tampon by the instructions from the inside of a Playtex box. One leg up on the toilet, inserting a super into my never-been-touched vagina with little-to-no blood was a nightmare. My mom carried on the tradition of leaving me in the dark about sex with the simple one-word answer when asked about it, “don’t”.
In high school, my virgin friends were slowly going up for sacrifice and it seemed like my vagina was the last to be touched. Naturally, I thought that sex was just a rite of passage—not something you do when you’re in love. Maybe my older sister sneaking out to sleep with a senior (in a relationship) when she was a freshman jaded my take on sex. Once I lost my virginity to someone I had zero connection with, I didn’t see what all the hype was about.
So, I continued to have sex hoping I would stumble upon a mythical orgasm. Was it me that wasn’t emotionally in tune with my body? Or was it because I wasn’t connected to my partner in some way? You may know where the penis, fingers, tongue, and/or strap on goes, but the emotional aspect might just be what brings you to your full climax.
Don’t get me wrong, you can still fuck and have a lot of fun, but having emotions involved isn’t always a bad thing. For all of you who have mothers that respond with “REFRAIN” to any implication of a question about sex, this one is for you. Sex Ed, Slutty Girl style, and the importance of the emotional aspect of sex.
1. The talk your mom never wanted to have.
To be clear, you don’t have to be in love to experience and indulge in the emotional aspects of sex. By all means, take someone home from the bar that has all of the physical features that make you tingle. This article is to make you aware of your emotions as they pertain to your body and sexuality—possibly even the emotional connection you have with your partner or FWB.
2. Your Choice.
I don’t care what you’ve inserted into yourself, your vagina is everything. We should allow entry to those we deem worthy. Whether that be your partner or the paperboy—your body, your choice. You’re confident and comfortable in your own skin. You may be ready and willing to get it on with anyone who walks through your bedroom door, but that is strictly based on your emotions and your consent. There’s a difference in wanting sex and feeling pressured into having sex with someone. You should never feel like you have to have sex with someone, like it’s a chore, or that you owe it to someone.
3. Your Orgasm.
You can still have good, even great, sex without orgasming; although it is a great part of sex. I’ve always admired Samantha Jones from Sex and the City, but sex with randoms has never brought me to orgasm (which makes me sad). It seemed like she was having countless orgasms, so why couldn’t I? I wasn’t aware of my body, or emotionally ready and/or emotionally in tune with my partner. But that shit is all about to change the more you have a level of comfort with your own body and your partner.
4. Your Comfort.
The level of comfort you have with your own body, not to mention your partner, sets the tone for any sexual encounter. You can’t have one without the other.
Since you aren’t Samantha Jones and hanging up naked portraits of yourself around your apartment, you might be a little insecure about your body before, during, or after sex. Your emotions and mentality are vital to your sex life. To be body positive and feel sexual, you’re already halfway there. If I didn’t love my own vagina, I wouldn’t be so comfortable having my partner keep their head between my legs with their eyes open AND with the lights on. You have to be willing to share what’s inside Pandora’s box to reap the benefits. The emotional aspect of sex play into your self-confidence, mentality, and comfort level.
5. Your Desires.
I think we can all agree that your level of comfort with your partner plays a huge role in the bedroom. Without having an emotional connection with your partner, you might just be stuck on one level. You want to be able to tell your partner that you enjoy being spanked, gagged, tied up, or even are in need of playing out a freaky fantasy.
No one wants to be judged for wanting to dress up as Princess Leia to get naughty, and they don’t have to if the level of comfort with your partner is present. To reach and explore your sexuality, a certain level of comfort needs to be reached so that your partner will be ready and willing to please in any way they can—and vice versa. Selflessness is key for both (or more) parties involved.
6. Right In The Feels.
Our generation is big on downplaying our emotions, but why? We thrive off of our gut or intuition. Sure, you might physically capture our attention, but doesn’t personality and connection allow you to create an emotional bond to keep that person around for longer than just a one night stand? It’s often said that we should wait to lose our virginity our first love—but I disagree.
I didn’t want my first love to tear my insides apart and then ride them awkwardly because I have no idea what I’m doing. I want to blow their fucking mind. You don’t need to be slow-roasted to have emotions involved in sex. If you own your body, are willing to explore, and have full consent with your partner – one who you’re comfortable and have a connection with (even if it’s just living their personality in general) – you will truly experience and understand the emotional aspect of sex and why it is so important.