Dear Kinkster,

My question relates to BDSM. I know the hype of BDSM relationships are at an all time high due to 50 Shades being in theaters. I read the books about a year ago, and the concept of BDSM really interests me. But I’m stuck on one thing. Do normal (good looking) men actually practice these types of relationships?!? I would consider myself a average college girl in her 20’s interested in BDSM. I feel as if the only types of people are strange, old, unattractive people who are into anime and science fiction. How do you even meet normal guys that consider themselves Doms?!  If you have any advice at all please let me know!

Thanks so much,
O

Hi O,

Thanks for writing in! BDSM is definitely a pretty popular phenomenon and honestly, more people than you might think are interested in some aspect of it (yes, that means “normal” people!). For example, you don’t have to be into dungeon scenes or even Red Rooms of Pain like in 50 Shades of Grey in order to be into BDSM. In fact, “light kink” like being slapped or blindfolded or being tied up with fuzzy handcuffs is also considered “practicing BDSM.”

So, the good news is that you don’t necessarily have to join a BDSM dungeon or anything in order to find people interested in it. I would suggest joining one of the myriad of online sites, like FetLife or Whiplr (the new app a la Grindr or Tinder) especially made to find play partners in your area. FetLife specifically is a social networking site dedicated to BDSM and kink, but also provides you events happening in your community surrounding BDSM. Whiplr helps you find sexy play partners that might suit your fancy. 

If you’re not into that, don’t worry! You can still bring up BDSM with any partner. I would suggest looking at print outs of potential limits you may have, just so that you go into any future conversations with partners fully knowing what you want and don’t want. Though the method of actively seeking partners is more like the guess and check method, it can feel more authentic, as well. Just as it’s always a good idea to discuss what you do and don’t like during sex when you’re first with a new partner, you’ll also be able to discuss any kinky things you may or may not like. 

It’s important to vet potential partners anyway, because you don’t want to go so far in and then find out you’re not sexually compatible. Better to have the conversation and let them know ahead of time that you’re into the kink and then see where they fall. You might be surprised to know that most men are really into women who know what they want sexually and honestly, all you really need is to find someone who’s at least curious or open about it.

P.S. If you know for sure that you’re a sub then that is great and more power to you… BUT, if you have any interest in being a Domme don’t be afraid to try out different roles with your partner(s) as well. Sexually forward girls are sexy and you’re sexy. Own it! 

 

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