Dear Kinkster,
I have been doing some research and I have several questions about BDSM that I can’t seem to find answers to. I haven’t actually been able to experience this yet. I have not told my husband that BDSM is something I want to try, and am not sure how to bring the subject up. I feel like I get very awkward and then chicken out. What advice would you give?
– Closet Kinkser
Dear Closet Kinkster,
First off, congratulations in wanting to branch out and try something new. Married sex, while accessible at any time, goes through its ups and downs just like marriage itself does. Secondly, wanting to try BDSM is pretty normal. BDSM encompasses a huge range of activities, and includes everything from trying out a silk blindfold while he comes inside you to being chained up and whipped on a dungeon wall, and more. Most people fall somewhere in between this spectrum.
Secondly, figure out which of these components you are most excited about trying. I recommend this BDSM test. It takes about 15 minutes to fill out but it’ll ask you about almost every single component of BDSM that you could possibly be interested in. Next, search out erotica that has the themes that you find yourself most attracted to. Maybe offer to read your husband a sexy story and then talk about it, using questions like:
- Could you ever see yourself doing something like that?
- Would you be turned on if you did ______ to me?
- Have you ever fantasized about anything like this before?
Inquiring about his fantasies or telling him about yours is actually a really easy in to discussing new sexual activities. Try taking turns telling each other stories about things you’ve always wanted to try and gauge his interest. You might be surprised to find out that he is just as excited to try out these new things with you as you are.
Mostly, just take it slow! Do your research and once you talk to him, do some more together. Let him take the quiz as well and then have an honest discussion about what kinds of activities you both want to try.
Good luck and happy playing!
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