‘Tis the season to head home for the holidays! And it’s that time of the year to bring home your latest man candy! Holidays are all about spending time with your family, relaxing and most importantly, eating your mom’s specialty casserole. In the months leading up to this time of year, you may have been wondering if its the perfect time to bring him home. The holidays may seem to be a little too intense for the first meeting, especially since you’ve been single during the holidays in the past, but this time around you have a handsome hunk on your arm, and you’re ready to show him off. Despite all of your worries, you’ve asked him to come home with you and he agreed– even though that means spending one on one time with your dad, receiving threats from your older brother and getting asked awkward questions about his future with you.
Whether you’re ready or not, the holidays are just around the corner and you need to be prepared. Here is everything you need to have a smooth holiday:
If you are taking him home for the holidays, it will require some type of traveling. Whether it’s just down the road, the next town over, or you have to catch a red eye flight across the nation, you’re both going to have to pack a bag and go somewhere other than your dirty apartment. This can be both exciting and extremely stressful.
If you’re taking a road trip, this could be a great way to spend quality time alone, and get to know each other better. Since you are stuck in a car for God knows how long, you have a great opportunity to talk one on one another about anything and everything. It gives you enough time to warn him about your crazy aunt and your overly flirtatious cousin that he needs to avoid at all costs.
Being in such a tight space with him for a long period of time can cause a lot of sexual tension. Instead of fighting over who gets to pick the music (because he’s so tired of your Beyonce playlist), now is the perfect opportunity to create or update your sex playlist. Now that you have his undivided attention, it’s a great time to discuss your fantasies and what you plan on doing him tonight. If you are feeling really adventurous, now’s your chance to give him some road head. Trust me, he won’t turn you down.
You may choose to fly rather than fight on a road trip, since he’s too stubborn to follow the GPS. Try to buy your tickets in advance to avoid extra fees. To ease the stress, make sure that you arrive early to check in, check your baggage, and get through security. Ideally, you should have enough spare time to spend way too much money in the gift shops. If you’ve gone through the gift shops and realize that you don’t want to spend $5 on a candy bar, hit up the airport bar. The drinks might be ridiculously overpriced, but a boozy plane ride makes for a good time. The only thing better than drinks before the flight is ordering drinks on the flight.
Once you get on the plane, you can snuggle up to your guy and enjoy the flight. Depending on where you’re headed your flight could be a few hours long. The two of you could share a headset and listen to some music, challenge each other on your phone’s game apps, or catch some zzzz’s. If you aren’t the snuggling type, this is the perfect opportunity to initiate yourself into the Mile High club. You could start with a casual handy underneath the in-flight blanket and work your way to the small bathroom in the back to finish the job with a quickie. Just be careful not to get caught, because having your Dad pick you and your boyfriend up from airport jail is no fun and not a good start to your weekend.
Meeting the Family
If this is your partner’s first time meeting your family, they’ll probably be nervous. It may kick in right before you pull up to your childhood home, or well before. You can help to make this as painless and comfortable as possible, for both you and him. Before arriving at your home, establish things that he shouldn’t discuss at the dinner table (such as opposing political views) and make sure to have the “story” about how you two met established. “We met on Tinder, and fucked the first time we hung out” isn’t the story Mom and Dad want to hear.
You know your guy better than anyone else, so you can suggest some instant conversation starters. Bring up his favorite football team that he has in common with your dad, and all his achievements and activities that will make your mom proud. As a way for your parents to get to know more about your partner, brag on his accomplishments. They are instant conversation starters and they’ll make your boyfriend feel good about himself in the meantime. It’s a win-win.
Soon their conversation will start to flow naturally, he will start to be his normal self again, and you won’t have to moderate the conversation anymore. By the end of your time at your childhood home, you’ll have a hard time pulling him away from your family members for any alone time.
After you get this out of the way, meeting the extended family will be a breeze (especially if you have already warned him about your weird uncle).
Your parents aren’t stupid and probably know that you get down and dirty on the regular, but it’s doubtful that they want that going on under their own roof. Offer to sleep in separate rooms, if for no other reason than your poor dad’s sanity. After all, once your parents go to bed, you’re going to sneak to your man’s bed to hook up anyway. If your parents insist that it’s okay that you sleep in the same room, show your respect by keeping the door open while the two of you are in there during the day. When the door is shut at night, that’s when you can get your freak on. Try to keep the room clean. Keep the sheets stain free the best you can, hide your sexy lingerie, and wrap up and throw away the condom in a different location.
Check out this Sexy Body Bow that you can pull off as a giant ribbon should your parents find it!
Try not to get caught. I know, it’s easier said than done. Test out the squeakiness of your bed beforehand. If your bed is too squeaky, you might want to consider doing it on the floor rather than the bed. If you have a packed house, you may even want to consider running an errand for your family and take a pit stop on the way. Relive your high school hook-up by shacking up in the backseat of the car. If you do decide to get it on while everyone is home, keep the noise down to a minimum and hide the evidence once you’re done.
There is something extremely erotic and thrilling that goes hand and hand with the potential of being caught, but not necessarily worth it with your parents. I’m a firm believer that louder sex is better sex, but spare an awkward breakfast and try to keep it down. There’s nothing worse than your parents overhearing you moaning “harder, harder” all night long.
You obviously brought him home for a reason. Whether it’s to make an ex-boyfriend jealous or you think this guy might be “the one”, make sure you enjoy yourself. Show him off to everyone in your family and take him around to all of your favorite local spots in your town. Eat all of the carb-y food, indulge in one too many glasses of wine and have (QUIET) sex.