I’m in my early 30’s. I’m single. Personally, I think I have plenty to offer a man. So much in fact, that I like to share it with multiple men. Most of my friends have accepted the reality that I am a fun loving, adventure seeking, and perpetually solo type of gal. However, there are the stubborn few that still don’t quite understand the relationship sabotaging, classy bitch that I am. I’ve collected a series of questions and statements that I hear from these happily betrothed gaggle of people… Followed by my best attempts at ending the discussion for good.
Q: How are you still single?
(This is usually followed by some random compliments directed at my personality or looks, which are always appreciated. Feel free to include your own in the comments section.)
A: Probably because I haven’t tricked some rich guy into taking care of me. Or maybe it’s that I don’t need to be part of a pair in order to feel complete. Or, crazy as it sounds, I enjoy being single. (At least 70% of the time.) I admit it’s not always sunnier on my side of the street. To be honest, sometimes I cry out to the sky to bring me a “good guy”. That usually passes around the third glass of wine though, so no big deal. I’m single because I’m single. That’s it.
Q: I have this friend, he’s a great guy. Would you like me to set you up with him?
A: I don’t know. How much do you value either of our friendships? I cannot express with enough expletives the danger that comes with setting friends up with each other. Odds are if this friend is so great, and we’re close, I’ve already met him. If we’re not close, odds are you have no idea the type of guy I’d turn in my slutty, fuck-me-heels for. Let me come to you and troll your friends then, and only then, will you know that I’m even remotely serious about considering a monogamous relationship.
Q: Are you putting yourself out there? Are you playing hard to get?
A: Generally these two questions aren’t grouped together, and they probably shouldn’t be, because they’re mutually exclusive. I can’t be vulnerable and mysterious at the same time. It’s exhausting and I gave that up at 25. However if you’d like me to answer them individually then yes, I am putting myself out there at every opportunity I get. And yes, I do play hard to get. Usually, as soon as he starts showing too much interest. Except that I’m not playing a game. I mean it. I am almost impossible to get.
Q: You have to love yourself first, do you love yourself?
(Which is close to the one where they tell you that when you get your life together, love will just materialize.)
A: I want to answer the “do you love yourself” question with, “Yes, like a 13-year-old boy that just discovered masturbation.” I’m terribly immature when people ask me what they feel are profound questions. I genuinely enjoy making people uncomfortable, it’s one of my most marketable strengths. Also, to imply that I don’t have my life together is insulting. I have my life together and it’s held securely by the suspicious and sticky substance you find on dive-bar floors!
Q: Whatever happened with “what’s his name”?
A: If you don’t remember his name, why are we concerned about his whereabouts? We moved on for a reason, let it go.
Q: Have you tried online dating?
A: No. No. No. When you spend as much time online as I do, you quickly realize the prospects are terrifying. I’ve created several anonymous accounts for research purposes in my writing. The emails I get? Horrifying. I mean, unless we’re all just there for a hook-up, and in that case please carry on with the photos of your dick. It really saves me so much time! (For those of you actually using sites to find your soul-mate, godspeed sisters)
Q: Have you tried going to church?
A: (This is probably mostly a southern folks’ question, but bear with me) NO. NO. NO. Why on earth would I want to go to a place notoriously known for judgment and discuss why I’m still single in my 30s?! I also don’t believe in God so that would get awkward, quickly.
S: You’re still young (or) You’re not getting any younger.
A: Which is it, people?! Am I still a bountiful garden or a barren wasteland?! The jury is out so maybe I’m in the land of limbo between the two statements. I also judge my friends by the statement they use, the first statement is always said by my hopeful and precious friends. The latter, by my bitchy or jaded friends. (The latter group is my favorite, go figure.)
S: Don’t worry your time will come (or) You’ve got to settle down.
A: Again, we have the hopefuls and the bitters. Yes, my time, like menopause or death, is inevitable in their eyes. I think they’re hopeful that the more times I try, eventually, I’ll just stick with some poor bloke. Which leads to the settling down. Frankly, I’m not looking to settle down. If I’m looking at all, I’m looking for someone that always shakes it up. Like a cute bartender, but with hours more similar to mine.
S: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
A: Wait, I thought I was looking for a man! Now I have to be a sportsman too?! Fine, I’ll play along. Dating is my hobby and I enjoy throwing these “fish” back into the shark-infested waters.
And finally, my favorite…
S: When you stop looking, that’s when you’ll find someone.
A: The truth is, I haven’t really been looking for “the one” and my options have still been quite bountiful! They may not be long term relationship worthy but they’re certainly worthy. Worthy of questioning my decisions, worthy of multiple callbacks, and worthy of hosting some of my favorite memories.
I enjoy the adrenaline rush of meeting a new man; I love flirting, kissing, and exploring sex. Do I want to find one man to spend the rest of my life with? Sure. If we can manage to make it feel like a one-night-stand every time we’re in the bedroom, like we’ve known each other since K-12 around my friends, and like the world will never stop giving us opportunities to evolve together. However, I won’t settle because my friends or family think it’s time.
Imperatively, you must know what you’re after and don’t stop until you find it. And this, this is the important part… Jump in over your head! You won’t know what you want until you try enough things to know what you don’t want.
Hahahah, these are all so true! I’m tired of hearing that being single is a detriment… like there must be something wrong with you if you don’t have a guy. What if you don’t want to be with someone to begin with? Being single is MUCH more fun! 😀