Babies may be tiny, but they are giant cock blocks. Even though sex is what got you your little cherub, sex becomes a lot less frequent and rushed once baby comes along. Here are my tips on what to expect when it comes to sex after baby and how to deal.

The Six Week Freeze-Out

As if sex in your third trimester wasn’t awkward enough, now you’re expected to be on blow-job/hand-job duty for the six weeks it takes your body to heal after delivery. Due to changing hormone levels and the exhaustion you’ll feel from doling out round-the-clock care to your newborn, chances are you’d much rather sleep than get your freak on if given the choice. But unfortunately your baby daddy isn’t likely to feel the same. Despite doctor’s orders to keep it in his pants for a full six weeks, he will try enticing, cajoling, begging, pleading and getting creative (titty fucking your butt cheeks anyone?). Make out, give him a blow-job or hand-job when time warrants, let him indulge in porn all he wants, and make sure to tell him how much you’re looking forward to the six weeks being up-but listen to your body and your doctor. (In case you’re wondering, anal isn’t really an option when you’re one of the 7 out of 10 women who gets stitches down there due to either tearing or an episiotomy.)

Preparing for the First Time

So you’ve managed to survive the six weeks of celibacy and are ready to get down and dirty, or maybe you don’t feel ready but your partner isn’t waiting one more day now that the doctor has given you the green light. Chances are the main thing you’re worried about is if it will hurt or not. The answer is yes, it will hurt, but the pain will be nothing compared to childbirth. Also, if your guy has been waiting six weeks to park his car in your garage, it will likely be over before you know it. So just try to relax and tell him to go slow. If you’re self-conscious about how your body looks or feels after baby (will you feel loose? Do these stretch marks go away? That never jiggled before….) then turn off the lights before getting undressed, or even better, embrace the body you have! You’ve made this tiny little miracle, who cares if you have a few stretch marks?  Make sure to do your Kegel exercises (tighten and contract your pelvic muscles in sets of 10 three times a day) in order to feel tighter after giving birth. If you had a C-section, you will want to pick a position like doggie or woman on top to avoid any contact with your incision if it is still sore.

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Also, DO NOT forget to use contraception, because even though you may not have had your first period after baby you can still get pregnant (you don’t have to put up an official “Womb for rent” sign for your body to know that the last tenant was evicted!) And be sure to use plenty of lube because your hormones will cause you to be drier than the Sahara desert, especially if you are breastfeeding.

Beware of Leakage

If you are breastfeeding or if your milk hasn’t dried up yet, you will need to expect some possible leakage or even spray when you get excited, your breasts become too full, or your guy gets grabby. Chalk it up to MILF problems, but there’s a good chance you could end up spraying your guy in the face at the most inopportune moment. How your guy handles it largely depends on his maturity level. Some guys are totally disgusted by breast milk, others may be curious for a taste or as a source of amusement, some guys might get oddly turned on by it and others will just see it as a natural thing and won’t be fazed. Your job is to warn him that it may happen and laugh it off if it does.

Master the Art of the Quickie…Again

It’s a harsh reality, but one you will soon learn: your baby has an uncanny ability to cry (or bang on your door when he gets older) at the worst possible moment. If you and baby sleep in the same room then “alone time” with your man becomes even more complicated. Your best bet is to master the art of the quickie, or rather re-visit it since you most likely mastered this back when you were living with the ‘rents. You will also get really good at stifling your moans and tiptoeing around the crib. Obviously you should time your rendezvous while baby is either sleeping or with a sitter.

A Note For The Single Mamas

If you and your baby daddy are no longer together, now is not the time to start looking for a mate or indulging in booty calls. Your baby needs you the most during his or her first year, so it’s best to rely on your vibrator for now. The soonest I would suggest you start dating again is six months. Two reasons: baby starts to be more independent around this age and it will take your body awhile to bounce back enough to feel ready to get naked in front of a stranger.

Remember, no one said being a MILF was going to be easy. In a few years baby should allow your sex life to get back to (pretty much) normal… at least until you have another kid.