So, you’re horny. It’s 11pm on a Tuesday and, most importantly, you are without a physical hookup companion. Let’s be serious: you, your footie pajamas, and that entire box of Oreos are in no mood to go out and snatch some punk. Your room is a wreck, and do you really want a random stranger in your house? Please, then that skank from down the hall will make up so many stories that you might have to pretend to care.
So, what do you do?
Normally you’d just pull out your vibe and go to town, but tonight it’s just not that simple. You want something a little… more. Hmm, other than hitting up an ex (which is almost always a terrible idea) you seem to be out of luck. Then you remember: you have access to the magical wonderland that is the internet! Not a moment too soon to remember either; you were just about to put on a bra.
As you may or may not know, there are lots of horny people in the world. And I mean A LOT. In my experience, it’s a seemingly endless supply of people desperate to do some form of genital smushing. This is doubly true online. You don’t even have to be looking for sexy times, and then suddenly you will find yourself with a lap-full, asking if you prefer blondes or brunettes. And maybe asking for your credit card number too, but that’s for people who enjoy spending money (fine, yes, I like spending money. I’m just too poor to afford it).
So the question is: Where do I go to find the other (cheap) horny people? There must be somebody out there who would be willing to sext my glorious ass*. I mean, it IS really fantastic. I bet I can find a guy online that would adore me AND he won’t give me those creepy looks like that bartender on 5th keeps giving me. But the important question is, where are they hiding? And will it be worth it?
*[fill in with your favorite attribute here]
My favorite pickup site is Omegle. It’s a free anonymous chat site that connects random strangers. Omegle has this fancy little thing where you can add your personal interest and you’ll be connected to someone who shares your loves (or fetishes, zero judgment here). They even have an 18+ option, so you know you’re getting someone who’s looking for exactly what you’re interested in. One possible downside is that I’ve noticed that it is a bit of a sausage fest. So, if that’s what you’re looking for, great! Otherwise, it may take you a while to find someone.
Chat Roulette is a classic, and it’s 18+ counterpart Dirty Roulette is even better, though it generally requires a webcam to use. If you’re bra-less, makeup-less, and have hair in a beyond messy bun, you may want to skip this option. It can be anonymous if you’d like to keep your face out of the picture, but generally that’s not so accepted. Once you’re on cam, you can skip until you find someone you want to “chat with”. Just be aware that they could be recording the whole thing. As of this article, Chat Roulette seems to be gone… but there’s plenty of alternatives out there with a similar theme.
If you’ve got a slow internet connection and want to use your unlimited texting, you can check out sexbuddies.com. This site is nice because you can look for people who match what you’re looking for off the bat, instead of having to sift through people until you find one you like. Just enter a keyword, and you’re good to go. Also texting has its advantages. You know, for those times when you’re at a boring party that you can’t get out of, and want a secret chat buddy to keep you occupied.
Keeping in Touch
Some of these sites make it hard, and sometimes impossible, to get back in touch again. This works both for you and against you. If you find a creepy creeper and need to leave quickly, it is very easy to disengage yourself from the conversation. But if you find a particularly good sexting buddy, it can make for some sad nights filled with longing. That’s why I suggest giving the good ones an anonymous way to contact you discretely. That way you can stay in contact with each other for as long as you want. And believe me, you want to hold on to that person for as long as you are having fun.
My preferred online little black book is with my secondary Skype address. Just set up a random account and don’t use for anything except sexy hook ups! Setting up another Skype address is important because otherwise you might accidentally send your mom any BJ “tips” (yes, they were totally just tips, Mom). In my opinion there are several good reasons to use Skype: lots of people have it, it’s available from pretty much any place you can get internet (pc, macs, phones…) and it is super safe to use. It is very easy to block people and avoid anyone you don’t want to contact or be contacted by.
If you want to show off your hipster side and only contact your suitors via phone, Kik is the way to go. That way you get to show off just how technologically adept you are and never give out your real number. All you have to do is download the app on your phone, make a login id and you are good to go! You get all of the pleasure of phone sex without the social circle drama.
There’s also Chatzy – a good way to keep in touch if you exchange a random email address and want to exchange pics anonymously. This is a great small-ish site where you can create a private chat room and send pictures without having to upload pics to another file site and then send the links to your new buddy. It even has a mobile option if you’re near wifi or have a good data plan. You don’t need anything to sign up, and it’s totally anonymous (so long as you keep your face out of the photos). They also have chat rooms where you can meet other people, mainly their “Orgy” room.
On Your Terms
Just remember, you can always back out of a conversation at any time, never do anything you aren’t comfortable with, and never give out real information to strangers. Staying safe means one less thing to worry about, and that means better sex. And we all know we love better sex.
I also feel like I should remind you that the world is not only full of horny people, but horny stupid people. Like any decent night out, you are going to find some nice guys, some weird guys, and some guys you should run away from. Being able to tell the difference is key. But this is my disclosure warning: DON’T BE STUPID. Okay? Okay.