The drunk text: We’ve all been there, whether “there” is on the sending or receiving end of an inebriated text message. Likely, it’s been both. Drunk texts can show the true depths of our emotions, even if those “true depths” aren’t so valid in the morning. Regardless of whether or not you feel the same way sober, drunk texts can seem funny in the harsh, hungover light of day… or oh-so-embarrassing. So pour yourself a glass of your favorite drink and just remember: I didn’t drunk text you. Vodka did.
1. The Invite
Number of cocktails consumed: One or more
Once you’ve had your first drink of the evening, it’s possible you’re already feeling the spirit of the party and thinking about getting even more people to join in. An invite text is a great one to send in almost any situation, unless you’re too inebriated to remember who doesn’t get along in your friend group. Whether you’re just starting to drink and want to get more people to come out with you, need a buddy to join you for Wine Wednesday, or want your party to go from lowkey to lit, you’ll probably send out an invite text at one point or another.
2. The Location Request
Number of cocktails consumed: Two to five
You’ve probably gotten a buzz on already if you’re shooting out a, “Where you at?” text, but aren’t too drunk to keep a roster of who’s at the party already. Once you’ve had a few drinks, you’re starting to notice which members of your squad haven’t taken shots with you yet. Maybe someone RSVPed “yes” but hasn’t made an appearance, or perhaps you’re just trying to round up your friends who are on the other side of the bar for some tequila shots. As the drinking continues, you’ll likely forget all about those who forgot about you.
3. The Girl Power Group Chat
Number of cocktails consumed: Three to five
At the point when you’ve reached a pleasant level of drunkenness, you’re starting to think about how wonderful your friends are. If they aren’t there in person for you to comment on their beauty, intelligence, and amazing personalities, then you’ll do so via text or social media. The Girl Power Groupchat isn’t just limited to text messages. It can include liking all of your college roomie’s profile pics, commenting on Instagram photos of your BFF from five months ago, or full on drunk-dialing your sorority sister to tell her how much you adore her. All in all, this type of drunk text is sweet and not remotely regrettable. Spread the love!
4. The Liquid Courage Letter
Number of cocktails consumed: Three or more
Even if you are definitely not ready to tell your crush how you feel, alcohol will convince you otherwise. Putting your wastey pants on can be great if it means letting someone who’s feeling it know you’re into them, but it can also bite you in the ass if they reject you, or worse – ignore your message. We’ve all drank a bit too much and told someone a truth we were hiding, and that’s not just limited to admitting a crush. Watch where you put your phone when you’re drinking, or your roommate might just learn about that time you accidentally dropped her toothbrush in the toilet, your mom might learn something she didn’t need to know, etc.
5. The Needy Text
Number of cocktails consumed: One plus
Even the least clingy of girls get whiny drunk on occasion. Needy texts can be sent to friends (read: harassing your group chat until someone pays attention to you) but are often exchanged between couples. Alcohol does tend to magnify our emotions, so any insecurities or desires you have might come out full force, causing you to text and call your boyfriend repeatedly, even if he’s busy with something else.
6. The Ex Text
Number of cocktails consumed: Five plus
If you’re a needy drunk texter then you know that alcohol makes us miss the ones we love. Sometimes the one we love (or hate, or both) is an ex. Texts to an ex are bad no matter what, unless the two of you are both ready and willing to make it work… or able to get together for a NSA hook up. (More on The Booty Call later.) If you know you’re feeling emotional about your ex, look into downloading an app that hides his number from your phone before a big night out. Try to live in the moment and forget about the past, at least while your head is cloudy and you can’t think straight.
7. The Booty Call
Number of cocktails consumed: Two plus
Alcohol acts as an aphrodisiac for some, so even if you’re too inebriated to actually make sex happen, you very well might start looking for it. Booty calls can be embarrassing in the morning if you’re ignored or rejected, or if you fall asleep before your fuckbuddy even gets to your house. If your booty call does work out, though, it can lead to some amazing, if hazy sex, or a really good (and exciting) excuse to leave a party that’s getting lame.
8. The Rant
Number of cocktails consumed: Four plus
No one likes an angry drunk, and yet we’ve all been there at one point or another. If you sense the rage building as you drink more and more, I suggest putting the bottle down. When emotions are high, people tend to reach for alcohol, hoping to numb things. Oftentimes, the booze just amplifies our emotions. Still, if you’re in too deep already, chances are you’re shooting off an angry text. Usually an angry text is full of rage at an ex, but it’s not limited to that. You might tell off a guy friend that’s bitter about being in the friend zone or your roommate who never does the dishes. In cases like this, a little caustic liquid courage can be almost good, but try to reign in from sending out drunk rants to your boss, family, etc.
9. The S.O.S. SMS
Number of cocktails consumed: Two plus
Maybe your ride ditched you. Maybe you had an extra drink at happy hour and know you really shouldn’t drive home. Or perhaps it’s something far less serious and you just need some diner food stat – or someone sober to go on a beer run for you. Whatever the case, I hope you have a sober friend out there to answer your texts and help you out in your time of need. If not, there’s always Uber and public transportation.
10. The Idiotic iMessage
Number of cocktails consumed: TOO MANY
Let’s just say no one knows what you’re trying to say. You don’t even know what you’re trying to say. You can blame it on autocorrect, but everyone knows the real reason you can’t type, sweetie. Go home. You’re drunk.
Have fun drunk texting, and remember. Don’t send anything I wouldn’t send!