Slutty Girl Problems

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#YesAllWomen – Thoughts from Our Founder

06/01

Since learning of the tragic massacre in Santa Barbara, I have been unable to appropriately process my anger, fear, sadness, and a chilling sense of impending doom that I just can’t shake. On the day Roger’s misogynist manifesto was released, I had plans to meet a friend across the city for a movie, yet my fear held me back. First, I debated if I should even leave the house. I opted for baggy jeans and a loose sweater, rather than my dress. Then, I got off the subway twice before my stop, because I was afraid that if one of the male passengers, creepily eyeing me and occasionally exclaiming “damnnn”, advanced on me or became aggressive (despite me wearing headphones and reading), the rest of the all-male passengers would not stand up for me. Finally, instead of being scared, I got off early and decided to walk the rest of the 10 blocks. In my baggy jeans and oversized tee, I was cat-called several times, from guys standing on corners, riding on bikes, twisting their necks out of car windows. The only thing that kept me going was the police presence on every corner, common by the city’s university. By the time I reached the movie theatre, tears were in my eyes. I can usually shrug off these every-day experiences, but on this day, my fear boiled over. We decided to skip the movie.

My story isn’t about me. My story is universal; lived and breathed in every woman who has ever experienced an act of violence, aggression, verbal threats, or simply fear at the hands of men. Each and every one of us experience this at some point in our lives. For most of us, it’s on a small scale. I can’t count how many times I’ve turned down a guy at a club or bar, only to be verbally assaulted (“whatever whore, you’re too ugly for me anyway”) or physically abused (drinks thrown in my face, my dress pulled nearly off my body until it rips) for simply turning him down. It would be impossible for me to count the number of similar experiences of my friends, let alone the readers of this blog. The fear of abuse becomes so terrible that you become afraid to turn guys down – thus giving out fake names, fake numbers, or running to the bathroom find your friends – aka, escape. This fear and intimidation only gets worse as we become more vulnerable, alone, and closer to the bedroom.

Unfortunately, for some of us, these small-scale acts and fears become much larger, and alter our reality forever.

I lost my virginity in a rape during my first year of college, but I didn’t call it “rape” for another two years. I called it “my fault” because I kept saying no, and no, and NO, and crying, and pushing, and fighting him off me – but finally, after what felt like an hour, I was too tired, and scared, and just sick of defending myself. I said no one last time. He said “whatever, I don’t care” as he pushed himself into me – then I said “fine, whatever”. And I laid there motionless and he got what he wanted. I stopped fighting. After all, the fight was already over. My virginity, and, in my belief at the time, my worth and dignity, were already gone.

I didn’t call it “rape” because I believed I had technically “consented”. In reality, I gave up after he had already forced himself into me. In reality, my first “no” should have been the NO that made it stop. In reality, even if I kept saying no – it was never going to stop until he got what he wanted. It was a battle of physical power – not will – and he was determined to assert his alpha male.

No woman should have to fight for her right to not have sex with someone. We shouldn’t have to fear that due to our relative physical weakness, someone can take control of our bodies without our consent. Someone can literally rip your choices from you in an instant. To the perpetrator of violence – you are just one of many conquests, a blip on his radar. To the victim – the effects last a lifetime. My rapist shattered my ability to have healthy, loving, pain-free, emotionally connected sex for the next 8 years. I’m still working on it. It still haunts me.

The next night, I defiantly decided I was going to take back control of my sexuality. It was going to be my choice this time – no one else’s. I had sex with my best friend… and then, as I left his room, my rapist’s roommate yelled “SLUT!” at me from down the hall. I became known as the “slut” – all the night after I lost my virginity – in a forceful rape. 

For others, the scale is much larger still. The amount of women kidnapped, beaten, molested, abused, tortured, taken into slavery, forced into prostitution, and even killed – simply because they are women. We are physically weaker; we are automatically at a disadvantage – and humanity has become “the wild”, where survival of the fittest prevails. My blood boils. I fear for myself, my friends, females around the world, and humanity as a whole. I fear for our futures and the futures of our children, who may grow up in a world where the digital age allows monsters to unite and take out their vengeance on the civilized and decent beings around them, for seemingly no reason at all. In the chaos and confusion, I desperately search for what’s to blame. Is it violent or male-centric media? Is it a flawed justice system, or lack of education? Is it a general lack of respect and equality, perpetuated by an ancient patriarchal system, that places males above females in nearly every capacity? Even if I knew the answers, I would be desperately searching for solutions, to no avail.

This feeling of resentment and anger isn’t new to me. I’ve been upset and infuriated about the status quo well before I learned about feminist theory – when I first started to feel its effects. At just 14, I was shocked and appalled when I started to regularly defend myself from groping and inappropriate touching on subways and at concerts. At 15, I was scared and frantic when a male friend offered to drive me home, and instead drove to the middle of an abandoned park, stopped the car, locked the doors, and wouldn’t start the car again, insisting I hook up with him. I was devastated when my first boyfriend forced my head down on himself, and pushed his heavy arms on the back of my neck for what felt like eternity while I choked and cried and tried to pull him off me to no avail – and that after I broke up with him – our mutual friends never believed me, called me a liar, and stopped being my friend. I was infuriated when my next boyfriend choked me and banged my head on the ground until I passed out – and then when I broke up with him – his fraternity brothers banned me from their house because I “spread rumors about him” to my best friends. I am outraged that only a fraction of these cases are ever reported, mine included, because we already know the outcome – that only 3% of men will ever see a single day in jail for their crimes. Yet, the majority of women who report these crimes are continually questioned, ignored, mis-treated, and further abused. I am sad that every kind, caring man I’ve ever dated and loved since has become the victim of my own back-lash, fear, suspicion, and mistreatment – because after years of abuse and fear, it’s just so hard to let anyone in.

I am continually perplexed and angered that in this modern day in age of supposed equality and freedom, many minorities, including women, have a lack of options, understanding, and support. The more our voices raise, the more criticism we are met with. The more we speak out for justice and equality, the more men come forward to silence us and make us fear their wrath, for simply having our voices expressed. And yet, our voices are often all we have to be heard and create change, no matter how small. If only one woman feels empowered – if only one man begins to understand – if only one act of violence is stopped – our voices make a difference. Personally, that’s the best I can do to help ease the pain, inspire others, and hopefully be a voice in our growing fight toward equality.


 

Read more experiences from our writers. Click to re-direct to #YesAllWomen – Voices From Our Writers

Slutty Girl Problems // Site Administrator

Sexpert, festival hopper, dog mom, and founder of Slutty Girl Problems. Full time weirdo and wanderlust traveler. I hope to empower women to embrace their sex lives and live adventurously! Fellow babes convene on Twitter and Instagram at @Lorraejo.

19 Comments to #YesAllWomen – Thoughts from Our Founder

  1. Sweet D
    Editor

    I’m in tears, so many of us face such dangers and we simply have to move forward from it and deal with it on our own… Thank God for sites like these to show us we aren’t alone <3

    • Slutty Girl Problems
      Post Author
      Site Administrator

      Thank you! I thought I was alone for a really long time, and I was really embarrassed and ashamed to even talk about it. Even now, it’s hard to share – but I’m glad to have other women that know what I’m going through, and are there to support me!

  2. “At at its worst – you end up giving up sex, because you’re too afraid to say no.” How many times has this happened to all of us? Or simply because it would just be easier to sleep with him then say no and figure out what to do from there? I also still don’t call my rape’s rape and had to watch my therapist express the feelings I should be feeling but that I’ve been taught not to. It’s a thin line we walk, being easy and being empowered but someone has got to do it. #YesAllWomen want men to understand.

  3. honicaa
    Contributor

    This is so relatable to myself and pretty much all of my girl friends. Especially the “you end up giving up sex, because you’re too afraid to say no.” It’s horrid that in some situations, we don’t see ‘no’ as an option. But we still get slut shamed for it, just because we were afraid. I love this post so much.

    • Slutty Girl Problems
      Post Author
      Site Administrator

      Thank you so much! It can be so hard to say no – and often, we are told it’s not an option – especially when it was “our fault” for bringing it to that point. Once we express any interest at all, it’s basically socially necessary to follow through. If you back out after accepting a drink, going home, or making out with him… YOU’RE the problem. We don’t have the right to change our mind!

  4. Smart guy
    Contributor

    OK, I’m a white male, not a black female.

    But this shit simply does NOT represent most men. White males pride themselves on GAME. We have women who compete to spend time with us.

    It never comes down to forcing anyone’s head down. That’s the sort of shit that happens when you date dirty, filthy (you know the word)!

    Even if a guy is not who a woman goes crazy for, he still does not do the shit mentioned here!

    You need to start dating OUT of the ghettos and the “hoods” and look for some mannered men, who don’t need to be raping and forcing women.

    It’s not a color thing. You just make bad choices in men, is all. That’s how this happens.

    Most women would take one look at the thugs and killers that you meet up with and see right away they are trash. There’s NO way in hell she would ever let that shit get within 50 feet of her, much less be alone with any of them!

    My god, you went into the zoo, and crawled into one the animal cages and then OMG, you are angry that you got bit and mauled!

    Well lady, stop hanging out with animals and start choosing humans!

    I’m guessing the “thugs” get you going, and that is why you chose them in the first place. A gentle man is not the sort of “pimp” that you want, I guess.

    Just don’t crying back here when the next “homeboy” passes you around to all his “crew” like a 40 ounce bottle of malt liquor.

    Choices!

    YOU made them.

    Learn to stay away from trash.

    Then, you won’t need to live in fear!

    • Slutty Girl Problems
      Post Author
      Site Administrator

      This is very sexist AND racist AND class-ist.

      Rape and assault happen regardless of class, race, and education level. Most rapes don’t happen by black “thugs” in “ghettos”. In fact, the MAJORITY of rapes and sexual assaults in the United States are caused by white, upper-middle class men on college campuses.

      Most men DON’T DO THIS. But enough men do that 1 out of every 3 women will be assaulted in her lifetime. This isn’t “All Men do this”. It’s “All Women experience this”.

      We were going to trash your comment, but it’s actually comical how mis-guided you are. Do some research before you make such a blatantly ignorant comment.

  5. Smart guy
    Contributor

    And, as for assaults in the street, buy a gun and carry it in a side jacket pocket.

    When three tough “homeboys” come up and assume you’re easy prey, you can send two of them to the morgue and save the rest of the world some tax dollars on a prison cell.

    Most straight men want sex from women, yes!

    But, we don’t jump on any woman and hold her down and take it from her.

    We make relationships, and the women have sex because they are aroused too.

    That’s how it normally works.

    You managed to get with trash and end up hurt, and somehow you assume that most men behave like that.

    Honey, if some crazy-ass black woman stabs her child, does that mean all black women need to be locked up, to keep the children safe?

    As I said, you made bad choices, mostly out of lack of experience, I guess.

    You must have learned something from those mistakes, I guess.

  6. Smart guy
    Contributor

    It sure is RACIST!

    Oh yeah!

    As a white male, we look at gang blacks are close to animals!

    No doubt about that.

    Look at the black motorcycle riders in NY. Assaulted that man and his wife.

    They write “thug” on their body and wear it with pride!

    Put that big tough thug in a cage with a real animal and they would tear his gay ass to pieces!

    He’s only an animal with weaker people. In the jungle, he’d be eaten by larger predators.

    You see, we don’t want to live in a world where the weaker and the females are killed by “thugs”.

    It’s called being civilized.

    I work for what I need. Not take it from any woman or small man that I see.

    Black thugs don’t do that.

    So, yeah, pretty racist here! No doubt.

    Of course, when that older black man in Texas was tied to a bumper by white freaks, I’d be the first one to execute their crazy asses.

    So, color ain’t the problem. Crime and punishment knows no color.

    It’s value, in the human race, that matters!

    I don’t wanna live in world with animals waiting at every turn.

  7. Smart guy
    Contributor

    Those football players in Indiana were mostly white.

    I would have executed all of them for what they did to that woman.

    Laughed at her. Urinated on her.

    Drugged her and left her naked on a front yard.

    I agree that a LOT of men are sexually violent. I share the EXACT same distain for those men that you do.

    My daughter? My wife?

    I would gut you slowly, over a matter of days and have fun watching you scream!

    Most men do NOT laugh and say “Oh, she got what she deserved!”

    More like “That god damn animal! Let’s do him now, before he hurts another innocent woman!”

    It’s NOT a boys club, where we laugh at sexual violence done to women.

    Most men in this world love and protect their own woman. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.

    Had the Isla Vista shooter lived, I would have found him guilty and recomended the death penalty.

    Immediately!

    Every rape victim is someone’s daughter!

  8. Smart guy
    Contributor

    I feel worse for YOU, SGP!

    It’s your own race that sings songs about pimping women. Beat that bitch down, they swagger with pride, as if hitting a weaker woman makes them some sort of man.

    White men don’t sing songs about turning women into prostitutes!

    And, it’s your own race that decides they live on a different block, so they better “cap” that punk-ass bitch from the 57th street crew!

    It ain’t white men who are heading downtown to drive up and shoot black men!

    Is that my prejudiced white ass talking, or is that the truth?

    That shit leaves an impression on young black males. Dumbasses singing about smacking women.

    Is it any wonder this poor lady was assaulted?

    Hell, homie was just doing what he heard on the radio, is all.

    Fool. Called a raped woman a slut.

    Where does a man learn to behave like that? I know his momma never taught him any of that shit!

    • Slutty Girl Problems
      Post Author
      Site Administrator

      You feel bad for ME, because you think I’m BLACK?

      First of all, I’m not black. But it’s still really, really sad that you feel all those terrible things about black people.

      Maybe you should talk to a professional about it.

  9. Smart guy
    Contributor

    Violence to women exists in every community.

    I agree with women.

    Men control the legal system. And, this shit won’t stop until men decide to punish those who abuse and take from women.

    Unfortunately, the attitude that women deserve this sort of thing is pervasive in the male-dominated society that we live in.

    As a male, the main thing I can do is to govern my own behavior and to condemn those men who harm women.

    In the world that I live in, NOBODY suggests drugging a woman and raping her. I don’t buy endless drinks in a club, and then wait to “make my move” on a woman who can barely stand. She’ll vomit.

    Plus, it would feel too desperate for me. I’m a player. Women either hand me sex on a silver platter, or I walk away and find another woman who will.

    So, this idea of taking and drugging and pushing and raping is the epitome of a loser, in the worlds that I liove in.

    I thank you for your responses, SGP.

    And, if my comments are offensive, feel free to eliminate them.

    Bye now!

  10. Smart guy
    Contributor

    Just SOME black people!

    Thugs and homeboys and violent men who harm others.

    No the black businessman. Or, the black autoworker.

    Or, the black banker. Or, the black family who lives in the home at the end of the cul-de-sac.

    The racism is reserved for the fool with his pants around his knees, who drives a lowered Escalade and runs a drug crew and slaps his bitches around as he drops them off to work the street as prostitutes!

    Who exactly do you talk to about that?

    Hell, the therapist would laugh and say the same things right back at me!

    • Slutty Girl Problems
      Post Author
      Site Administrator

      I do understand where you might get that idea from, when using false logic. It’s true that some violent or degrading music is made by people who are black, and then that music may encourage people to do those things, as many young people emulate their role models. But, there is an enormous amount of white people responsible for equally violent and degrading media, if not moreso.

      If we’re going to blame rap music for violence, we have to also blame ALL violent media. That includes any movies, TV shows, or video games that depict horror, serial killers, racing, mafia, robberies, etc. It also includes movies like “Revenge of the Nerds” or “Animal House” that depict men taking advantage of women. Also, most of these movies, TV shows, and video games are almost entirely produced and directed by upper-middle class, white, educated males.

      Instead of eliminating media, which is impossible – especially as we value free speech – then instead, we have to teach our children that media is not a way to live your life. It’s not a blueprint. Just like Prince Charming doesn’t come to whisk the Princess away from her life of misery – adults can not do violent and morally wrong things to achieve what they want.

      We have to blame the perpetrators – who don’t understand the value of those morals. The media is only a small part. And as we both mentioned, race is an even smaller part of that.

      Saying that it’s only black men who make violent media and commit crimes is very slanted. Perhaps crime rates are higher in predominantly black communities – but there’s also so many factors there – like education, poverty level, hunger rates, homelessness rates, lack of opportunities, gangs that offer safety yet require violence – an entire myriad of factors that are beyond an individual’s control, that affect the outcomes. That’s not an excuse for bad behavior – but it does create a system where there is little support for achievement, and a lot of consequences for those people who achieve. It’s very hard to get out of a system that is designed to keep oppressed people oppressed – and in communities where violence is the only way to stay safe, it is even harder.

      The crime rates for people in poverty would be 100% the same if the roles were reserved, and it was any other color of people that were systematically oppressed in the same way our culture systematically oppresses black communities. Color has nothing to do with crime, aside from the fact that our culture has directly oppressed one specific color throughout history.

      In regards to rape, the majority of rapes are not in a “thug mentality” where women are forcibly taken off the streets with drugs and violence and forced into the bushes. The majority happens to be committed by educated white men on college campuses.

      Just because YOU don’t do it, doesn’t mean it’s not happening. Some men still DO – and we all have a responsibility to stand together and make it stop. The voices of the many can help to stop the few from doing bad things. Your voice can be a part of ending violence for all women!

    • Sweet D
      Editor

      I don’t know who you think you are, but you seriously need to take a course in sensitivity. I’m Dominican and Puerto Rican, but a lot of people assume I’m black because of my complexion, but I have been sexually assaulted by mostly white males. Not that it even matters what color their skin is because no woman or girl should be sexually assaulted in the first place. No matter a person’s color, class, or background, any man has the ability to sexually assault someone. You have made extremely biased and prejudiced statements and it’s because of comments like yours that people are stuck in the mindset they are in now. It’s called the Critical Race Theory stating that racism is alive and well in our society- you need to THINK before you speak. Not just about your own feelings and opinions, but the opinions of others. I was very offended reading what you wrote about black people and it genuinely breaks my heart to know there are still people like you who feel entitled simply because of your race. Also, rape is not simply forcing a woman’s head down.. I’ve been in situations where I didn’t want to have sex, but I felt so much pressure that there was no other way out. I’ve been in situations where I was too drunk to even move myself out of the situation. A lot of the guys I have had sex with probably don’t even know that I didn’t want to sleep with them. I take responsibility for my actions, however it’s not just my fault seeing how some men don’t understand boundaries and women’s feelings. You are so blind to the meaning of “yes all women” and you should probably stay off this website if these are your true feelings.

  11. OneThing
    Author

    the fuck did i just read? I would love to do a case study on the comments and rite an essay… wow

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