We’ve all had that dry spell when it comes to dating. You know what I’m talking about. That point where all the hot ones are taken, the bad ones are in jail, and the good ones got tired of waiting for you, and now, you, queen, are lonely as hell. So, what do you do? You finally AGREE to go out on the date with someone who you truly know is just, not your type. So what happens on this date? It’s a bloody disaster!

Of course, since you are the one who agreed to this date it’s a little awkward to back out early or just get up and rudely leave, so, what do you do? You follow this how-to guide that will give you the perfect way either out of the date or a sure-fire way that will make this person never wants to date you…like ever again!

1. “Food Poisoning”

Take it from the girl who has been on at least fifty crummy first dates when they take you out to dinner and there you are praying someone will hold up the restaurant. When it comes to this type of date and you are absolutely sure you want to leave, just take the easy road out and cry food poisoning. Obviously you can’t do it right away, but after you have completed your meal and begin your way back to the car it is then time to strike! You begin to fake hold on to your stomach with one hand and just say “Oh wow…I…I really, really don’t feel good all of a sudden. My stomach is absolutely killing me. I’m so sorry I was really having a great time, but do you mind if we end this night a little early?” Who can say no to that lie unless they want you to make a ‘mess’ in their car. Then if they tried to kiss you goodnight just say in a panic “I’m sorry I really don’t feel good,” and run out of the car to your door. Is this a little mean and gross? Hell yes, but you don’t want to be out with anyways, what do you care?

2. Oh My God, Something Terrible Just Happened

If you have seen this episode of Sex and The City my hat comes off to you! Yes, I stole this idea from the blessing that is Sex and The City. So, if you haven’t seen the episode I’m alluding to, this is what you’re going to do; wherever you are with your date does not matter at all! You will either call your friends privately or send a text to one of them to call you up crying and say “Oh my God, something terrible just happened!” Thusly, leaving you to be in complete panic in front of your date and telling them in a rush “I’m so sorry but I have to leave right now!” This way you are in the clear to just motor your way out of there!

3. Movies? No Problem!

If they are taking you to the movies make sure you want to see a movie that you have already seen or that you know is going to be an absolute tear jerker! Grab at least twenty tissues, head in, and when the time comes…you cry girl, you cry your little heart out! When I say cry I mean blubber! ‘This sounds stupid, how do I know this will work?’ Experience, my friends, experience. One time on a disaster date, I was taken to the movies and my date let me pick the movie. At this time I decided to go with the movie Frankenweenie, why? My dog had just died and thusly I knew I would cry throughout the whole entire movie making it so, I looked unbelievably insane and we would never ever go out on another date again! Also, if you see a movie you’ve already seen talk throughout the whole movie, be a complete nuisance! They will find you undoubtedly annoying and never talk to you again.

4. Talk about your ex… A LOT!

There is nothing else a new love interest hates more than hearing about a girl’s past relationship on the first date! So, talk about your ex a lot! For example, if they order a soda simply say “Oh wow…Scotty used to drink Pepsi too when we went out…Scotty used to love chicken fingers too…Scotty loved this restaurant…I still love Scotty”. I can guarantee you this will drive your date absolutely insane! So if I was you, I would bring your ex up a lot, but not so much that you destroy your date – just enough for them to clearly think that you’re not over your ex!

5. Politics and Women’s Rights? MY FAVORITE!

Guys secretly love to argue and although women love being right, men love it more. They will never give up a good fight, so give it your all! Slowly begin to talk about elections, then presidential issues, then social media and how our generation is screwed, then talk about something he might understand…women’s rights! Guys love nothing more than to go head to head talking about women’s rights, and since, we are women, and we are the amazing women that we are, we will totally dominate in this category! Finally towards the end of your spat he will either find you to be the amazing queen that you are or absolutely hate your guys and think that your argument is invalid…so this one is really a last minute possible cop out!

So the next time you’re on a really crummy date and don’t know how to get out of it, just think back to these top 5 steps on how to get out of a bad first date! What was the last bad date you went on? Which of these steps do you think you will use next time?