Hand jobs.

They’re the primary masturbatory technique of people with penises nationwide. They’re the teenager’s starter to a blow job (the hand job’s more sophisticated cousin) – and they have kind of a bad rep.

It’s not entirely their fault, of course. Once you graduate from the hand job to the blow job, it doesn’t make sense going back! It’s not like anyone can suck their own dick.

But really, knowing how to give a good hand job is a sweet skill to have. It can be totally useful in bed when you want to do something special for your partner but don’t really want a dick in your mouth (while sexy, dicks can also be kind of gross when they get sweaty or when you don’t know their past). A hand job is also great alternative if you’re hooking up and you’re concerned about getting STDs from going down on your partner in crime. Let’s just say that, in the dark, with their eyes closed and enough magic potion on your hands, they’re really not going to know the difference. But where to start? Let me be your guide to the magical land of the hand job.

Looking for the perfect HJ potion? We love Swiss Navy Silicone Lubricant!

Why Give a Hand Job?

There’s a common misconception that hand jobs aren’t sexy because they can just do it their self and that people with penises only want it done in a particular way (i.e. the way they jack off in the bathroom to that Penthouse from three years ago). But that is categorically untrue. People with penises love blow jobs, but a good hand job will never go out of style.

The ultimate truth about a good hand job? Sure, they can do it their self, but just like you like it when they play with you, they also like it when you play with them. It’s better when someone else is doing it. They can lay back and relax. You get to be in control. And, contrary to popular belief, many men like to let go of control.

A simple set of handcuffs can help you take control AND add a side of kink.

Bonus points: If you master the hand job AND the blow job, then you’ve basically become a sex mistress.

Your (Mini) Penis Guide

Let’s get right to it. If you want to give a good hand job, it’s important to get acquainted with the penis. If you can map the penis, you have the framework for an excellent hand job.

First, be able to spot a circumcised vs. an uncircumcised penis, because while the foreskin of the uncircumcised penis hides some of the equipment and may look unfamiliar to Americans, it is still a penis, just the same, waiting for you to take it into your hands and love it. If you face an uncircumcised man, fear not, as all you need to do is push the little foreskin back to get to the sweet spots – and when it’s hard, the skin should push back on its own. Some even say they’re more sensitive than their circumcised brethren.

Now we’re going to look at the head. On the top, you have the glans, which includes the urethral opening (where pee AND semen comes out), and the frenulum (the bottom of the glans where it meets the shaft). The glans of the penis contains the same number of nerve endings as the clitoris, and in particular the frenulum is VERY sensitive. Unfortunately, it often gets neglected in hand jobs. Don’t be one of those. These are sweet spots that must be cherished.

Next is the shaft. The shaft is the length from the tip (glans, frenulum, and urethral opening) to the ball sac (i.e. the testes). The shaft is often over-utilized in the basic hand job. There’s a common misconception that you’re supposed to just pump really hard and their cum will go shooting into the sky. Not true. In fact, most people with penises say that jerking too hard is the ultimate turn-off. Just because they do it to themselves doesn’t mean YOU have to.

Make sure your hands are lubricated with Astroglide Premium Silicone lube.

Once you get down to the balls of the matter, be aware that those little balls hold a lot of pleasure potential. If stroked properly, you can really maximize the erection.

Finally, there is a spot between the balls and the anus called the perineum. It’s usually pretty soft and if you hear your partner suck air through their teeth, you’ll know you found the right spot. You want to give that spot some special attention. The perineum, like the frenulum and, let’s face it, the entire glans area, is full of nerve endings, making for a ridiculously pleasant experience for your partner.

Your Magic Potion

Remember I mentioned magic potions before? Well, you have a few to choose from, and they’re ridiculously helpful in creating a slick, smooth hand job. While it IS possible to give a hand job with a dry hand, dry skin + dry skin is not really that sexy or full of all the feel good that comes from the slickness of a lubricant.

We love this body-safe, water-based lubricant from Pink!

While saliva is the most popular choice for blow jobs, it’s pretty hard to get enough saliva onto your hands for a satisfactorily slick hand job (especially when handling a circumcised penis). As for deciding between an oily lubricant and a water- or silicone-based one, it all depends on whether the hand job is the appetizer to the sexual experience or the whole thing. If you’re going to be engaging in intercourse afterwards (and you don’t want to bring them all the way to cumming yet), you probably want to stick with a water-based lubricant or something else that is compatible with condoms.

If the hand job is the whole thing, or you’re having intercourse but with some other form of birth control, then a really nice oil is my favorite way to go. Not only does it smell amazing, but you don’t need to reapply it as often as water-based lubes.

We love Kama Sutra massage oils – but remember to check if your man is sensitive to scented products, especially in such a delicate area!

Now that you’ve picked your potion of choice, do one more thing: make sure your hands are warm. Whether you need to sit on your hands, stick ‘em under your partner’s shirt (or yours), or just run them under warm water, you’re doing both of yourselves a favor by not expecting them to keep it up if your hands are freezing.

Trivia: The testes are really sensitive to temperature. If they’re hanging low, it’s probably hot out or they’ve just been warmed up from a vigorous workout. If it’s cold, they’ll appear to shrink up to the body to try to gather heat (just like they do when someone is super aroused).

Getting Started

The key to a good hand job is to slow down and enjoy it. Your partner already knows how to jack themselves off super quickly. You’re giving them a hand job because you can drive them out of their mind with pleasure as you SLOWLY build them up to the point of no return. You’ve got your magic potion, your hands are ready, he’s relaxed, and hopefully you’re relaxed. If you’re not quite relaxed yet, or aroused, try doing some light petting or kissing to get you both in the mood. You’ll have a lot more fun with it if you’re just as aroused as they are.

Find a position you’re comfortable in. If you’re on a bed or a couch, sit or lie next to him or straddle him. If you’re on a wall or in a shower, stand in front of him. Reach for the lube, oil, or whatever you choose to use and put some on your hands.

Wicked lubricant might just be our favorite.

Remember, you’re in control. Your partner WANTS this. You’re giving something to them, so trust yourself. They’ll tell you if something is too hard, too soft, if he likes something, etc – ask them to do this. But believe me, you’ll know.

Start out by spreading your potion of choice up and down their entire length. Avoid too much pressure at this point. Their penis will be sensitive and you’ll most likely get an involuntary shudder of pleasure out of them as you do this, not just from your hands being there, but from the magic potion making everything slick. Wetter is better, and this is as true of hand jobs as anything else. 

There are a few places you can start. I suggest lightly stroking the frenulum or glans. This can get a not-as-aroused dick up to one that is fully in position. Smile as you do this. You are a sex goddess and your partner knows it. Since the head of the penis is so sensitive, you don’t need to use the whole hand. It’s overkill this early in the hand job.

Fingers or Hand?

You know how you use different brushes for different parts of your eyelids when applying eye shadow? You use different parts of your hand (including fingers) for different parts of the hand job. Just like giving a blow job is an art made up of tongue and mouth, the hand job is an art comprised of both fingers and hands. I love using one finger to run from head down to the scrotum (ball sac), as a gentle, seductive tease. In this case, the single finger stroke is like the one devastating tongue stroke of the blow job. Deadly and likely to evoke even more shivers.

Fingers are useful when you’re playing with a small area of the penis, such as the head (like if you wanted to rub the top and the bottom at the same time) or if you want to enter into the secret, pleasurable world of the perineum.

Since the perineum is full of so many nerve endings, it’s not something I necessarily start with because it can translate into a bit of a sensory overload if done too early, but it is NOT an area that should be neglected. A gentle, short stroke with just a finger or two is perfect for the perineum. You don’t even need to linger there long, as the short jolts of pleasure play easily with some of the less sensitive spots.

The hand comes in for bigger motions, like when you want to feel their whole dick in your hand and you want to stroke up and down in the classic hand job motion.

The hand also comes in handy (pun intended) for other fun whole-dick motions, like one of my favorites, “The Joy Stick.” The Joy Stick is simple, really. Take the penis in your hand and move it gently back and forth, toggling the shaft to and fro. Bonus points if you run your fingers along the frenulum while you do this. Talk about sensation nation! 

The Problem of the Other Hand 

I sincerely believe that one of the reasons hand jobs can feel so awkward for people is that most people have not one, but two hands. The great thing is that you actually need two hands for a successful hand job. You simply cannot hit all the hot spots with just one hand.

For example, I love cupping the balls with one hand or even stroking them while I play with the head of the penis. Two hands is also a nice go-to when you’re towards the end and you need a little bit more power than just one hand can provide.

Moreover, neither hand is relegated to the penis for the entirety of the hand job. Sometimes I like stroking a finger in that crease between the package and the leg (right by the inner thigh). If you have extra oil, rub that up and down their chest and play with their nipples, belly button or any other sensitive spots on their body.

How Much Pressure Should I Use?

They’re going to be pretty sensitive already, given the fact that, for most people with penises, simply the idea of you giving them a hand job will spark an erect dick.

But generally speaking, less is more…especially at the beginning. In the beginning, light strokes, touches, and flutters of fingers are perfect to get that dick erect and standing to attention. As they get closer to the edge, you’ll want to use more pressure. At this point, you might want to bring in both hands for some pumping action.

The trick when you’re going hard is to imagine the slick, tight pressure of their dick wrapped inside your vagina. It’s warm, wet, and tight in there (basically a wet dream fantasy land). Mimicking that kind of pressure will give you another badge to add to your sex goddess vest. How do you know when you’ve gotten there? It’s when your pressure is tight enough that they’re still sliding through your hands (either one hand or two), but you’re not cutting off any circulation. Don’t worry, they should tell you if it’s too tight. If they don’t say anything, it’s probably cuz they’re cumming.

When Your Partner Cums

So you’ve reached the point of no return. They say they’re getting close or their eyes are starting to roll back into their head. Either way, it’s time to stop with the teasing, tantalizing tricks.

This is where you jerk them off, in the traditional sense. Whether you use one hand or two, make sure the penis is slick still (now is an especially bad time for skin to get dry) and you’re tightening up the pressure a little bit.

Just like how you DON’T want them to stop touching you ‘just so’ when they’re going down on you and YOU’RE about to cum, don’t stop when it’s clearly working (unless you’re a Bond villainess, then go right ahead).

At this point, they know how to get themselves off, so this is where you listen. If they’re telling you “harder,” “tighter,” or anything of that nature, they’re not saying you’re doing a terrible job. In fact, you’re doing great, because you’ve gotten this far. They’re simply giving you the key to the final phase of the journey. Take that step and don’t look back. Also — be prepared for a bicep and forearm workout.

Clean-Up

They’ve reached the precipice and are about to cum — which means it’s about to get messy. Which clean-up method do you use? Don’t worry, there are several to choose from.

  1. If you feel comfortable with it, you can always take them into your mouth and swallow.
  2. If not, feel free to let them cum on you.
  3. If neither of those appeal to you, I highly recommend my self-perfected “Catch Method.” The Catch Method is basically exactly what it sounds like. You need both hands for this and probably a prop in the form of boxers or a towel. While you’re pumping with one hand and angling the penis into your other hand, this other hand prepares to wrap around the head and “catch” the cum that appears. At first it’s a bit messy while you’re getting the right angle (approximately 45 degrees), but it gets easier and easier. If you don’t want them cumming right in your hands, then feel free to use the prop to do the catching for you. No harm done!

Wrapping It Up

I hope by now I’ve dispelled the myth that hand jobs are just for dirty old men or teenage boys jerking off in the bathroom. When used appropriately and done properly, they can be an incredible tool in any slut’s arsenal of tricks. Just remember that a hand job is not one-size-fits-all. Some people might not be as sensitive in their perineum or might not like a particular stroke. That’s okay! Make sure to communicate with your partner while you’re going about it and listen to their moans. They’ll help you guide them to an amazing orgasm.

Sex mistress status: Achieved.