Welcome to the second article in the ABCs of Sex series! This series will go through the alphabet of sex, offering hot tips on how to improve your sex life and orgasmic potential. In case you missed it, the first article, Autoeroticism, is here.
Today, I’m skipping ahead to the letter R for Roleplaying, or sexual roleplaying as it is known in the BDSM world.
Many of us have sexual fantasies in which we take on different personas. Take erotica, for example, and you’ll find it has many genres that are role-play inspired – from classic themes like pirates (arrr matey!), cowboys, vampires and witches, historical fiction, and erotic fairytales – to contemporary themes like student and teacher, maids and nurses, cops and gangsters, 50 Shades of Grey, and so much more. The possibilities are only limited by your imagination.
Talking About Fantasies
Before you can play out any fantasy, you need to initiate and talk about the idea with your partner or playmate. This can be a bit awkward if you are not used to talking about sex or your sexual fantasies with your partner.
The easiest way to introduce the idea is to watch a movie together and test the waters (porn works, too!). Say you are watching a pirate movie and a damsel is captured and sexually mistreated by the pirate captain. You could say, “That looks hot. What do you think?” Or, tell them you think it would be an exciting sexual fantasy to try. You can also get some ideas from our article on How to Ask for What You Want in Bed.
If they say yes, then make plans to try the fantasy out. If they say no, or don’t know, ask them what type of fantasies they have and invite them to share them. Everyone has fantasies, and a lot of times, yours will overlap with your partner’s, so you should be able to find something to explore together. Even if you are not quite into your partner’s fantasy, or they aren’t into yours, it may be fun (and hot!) to explore it anyway. When we please our partner and see the excitement in their eyes, that in itself can be a heady aphrodisiac! And, you never know, it just may become your fantasy too once you try it.
If you are afraid that your partner may find your fantasy weird, or they are a bit reluctant to share, there are many online sites where each partner fills out their fantasies individually and then the report shows you both only the ones that match. This makes sharing fantasies much easier and worry free. Here are some great sites you can use to candidly check out your sexual compatibility:
Planning Your Play Time
Once you have both decided on a fantasy to try, it is time to turn it into a reality if you are both game. First, you’ll want to discuss the elements or facets of the scene. Will it contain elements of domination and submission? Spanking, bondage, rough play, or humiliation? Or will it be more of a vanilla fantasy, with traditional sex, except within a theme? What types of play would you like to try and what are you limits? Make sure both of you are clear on these before you start and have a “safe word” (like RED which means STOP).
You may also want to jot down a loose script of things you may want to do and try. This doesn’t have to be followed to the letter (allow for spontaneity and intuition), but can just be a list of ideas that you want to implement, so you don’t feel nervous or tripped up once you’re in character.
This sexy schoolgirl outfit is perfect for roleplay.
Setting Your Scene
Okay, so you have decided on your fantasy. Now, you will need to create your scene with visual and sensory elements. While you may not have a pirate ship on hand, you can dim the lights, hang swathes of fabric, and buy some cheap pirate/wench costumes to start with. Be creative, have fun, and don’t take it too seriously. Your imagination will go a long way once you get into character. Also, for the first time, the less you look like yourself – the better as it allows you to immerse yourself further into your “character” or role. If you’re both down to play pretend, don’t get worried about saying or doing the wrong thing. It’s not awkward. You’re experimenting!
Make sure to plan a time for your scene (make a play date!) when you won’t be interrupted and you’ll have lots of time to explore.
Tools of the Trade
Set aside all of the play things you will need. If you are doing a bondage scene, you’ll need rope, hand cuffs, bed restraints, or at the very least a tie of some kind. For a Doctor/Nurse/Patient scene, you may want to buy some medical sex play toys. For a spanking scene you may want some paddles, whips, or canes. You may simply want some costumes or lingerie for the occasion! Check out all of the kink toys we’ve reviewed here.
Keep your toys in a box or bedside table so they are ready for play and you don’t have to fumble around. Stock it full of sex toys like lube (can never have too much!), vibrators, dildos, cock rings, and anal toys if so desired.
Play Time: Lights, Camera, Action!
Once you have everything set up, it’s time to play. Lock the door, turn off your phone, put a Do Not Disturb sign up, and get into character. I like to get dressed and ready in another room, while my partner gets ready in the “play room”. Then, I’ll knock on the door when I am ready. This adds to the suspense and mystery as we don’t know what each other will be wearing and it gives us time to go over the details of the scene in our heads individually beforehand.
Make play time an adventure and have fun. I find my partner and I laugh a lot when we are getting started, and laughter makes it so much fun. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Let go and allow yourself to really play, to use your imagination, to be sexy and get yourself into the mood. There’s no right or wrong way to roleplay as long as you play safe and respect each other’s limits. Also, allow for spontaneity and surprises, as that is half the fun!
End of the Scene
Most scenes end naturally with the climax (or orgasm) rather like a movie or book of fiction. However, after the scene, you may want to connect and talk about it as you lie together and hold each other. In BDSM, this is called aftercare, which is very important, because you may go through some very emotional intense experiences and need to be reassured, or need some nurturing. Thank each other and express your gratitude for the experience. You can also discuss which elements worked best and what didn’t, so you can adjust for next time. You can also start planning your next scenario for something to look forward to.
Words of Caution
In the BDSM world, safety during a scene is of utmost importance. Many believe you shouldn’t drink or use recreational drugs during a scene. I think that having a couple of glasses of wine to unwind is fine, as long as you maintain your awareness and play safe. Getting drunk and setting fire to the love nest with candles is not a good idea. Also, when you are drunk, you lose your inhibitions, which may lead you to do things that you normally wouldn’t and may feel ashamed of when you are sober. If you are out of it, you can hardly play safe and take care of your partner’s needs – especially where pain and bondage are involved.
So, use your common sense and play safe and have fun! Happy roleplaying!