There is nothing quite like the rush of fucking out in the open. The wind on the back of your neck, his hand tangled in your hair, both of your muted, hurried breaths as you go at it as hard and as fast as you can, potentially seconds away from discovery…
Sure, public sex makes for a great story, and the bragging rights are incomparable, but that’s not the real reason you do it. You do it because you feel truly alive at that moment. Public sex is a sport for the adrenaline junkies and adventurous souls. It creates risk and urgency that can never be replicated in the bedroom. So, if you like living on the edge and holding danger’s hand, public sex might be right up your ally.
DO: Assess your drunkenness
If it’s after 12:30 a.m. and public fuckery are starting to sound like a good idea, you’ve probably hit that sweet spot between FEED ME MORE SHOTS and blacked the f out. But before you attempt to drag some poor soul into the hallway, you need to take a moment to do some serious self-assessment.
Are you sober enough to pull this off? Or are you going to vomit all over his Sperrys while bent in half with your back pressed against the wall? While being a whirlwind of drunken female destruction certainly has its time and place, if you’re thirteen shots in and can barely walk, just stop while you’re still ahead and wait for tomorrow.
DON’T: Wing it
Public sex is meant to be spontaneous, but a little pre-planning greatly reduces the likelihood you’ll end up with a public indecency ticket. Now, I don’t mean you have to schedule Sex Under The Bridge With Jim – 1:45 AM into your planner, but at least scout out some potential locations beforehand to make sure they’ll work well.
Every campus has its own nooks and crannies and there’s a lot of room for creativity. The best locations involve being a little daring and make for great bragging rights if accomplished. Though be warned, your amazing feat of fucking on the CHEM balcony WILL haunt you in every game of Never Have I Ever for the rest of college.
If you decide to so boldly ignore the pre-planning advice, be warned that you are DRASTICALLY increasing the likelihood of being caught. That security camera in the stairwell that you never noticed? It was definitely on, and it definitely recorded everything. That building on the main campus that you were determined to fuck in? It would have been nice to know that there was security patrolling its halls all night before you got locked on the balcony by staff while in the act.
Point being, when you are drunk and horny, you’re not paying attention to shit. So try to figure it out before you’re wasted.
DO: Dress appropriately
And by “appropriately”, I actually mean fairly inappropriately. The more fabric you’re wearing, the more you have to remove. If he’s mid thrust and your body looks like the letter “A” when a stranger unexpectedly appears, you better pray to God that your shorts aren’t tangled around your ankles. A tube skirt and thong (if underwear is even necessary) alleviate this problem completely. There are no awkward shimmying pants up against your legs at a moments notice because guess what? You never had to take your skirt off. Cute party dresses are another great option to add a little variation.
DON’T: Do it in missionary
Nothing screams WE’RE HAVING SEX like the shadows of two bodies humping each other on the ground. Granted, every situation is unique, and if you find yourselves squeezed inside the tunnel at the park (not advisable) then maybe that’s your only option. But the majority of the time, doggy or any guy-from-behind position while standing up will be your go-to. It’s stealthy and extremely versatile. With a little flexibility, it can be achieved in most spaces, and best of all, you don’t have to worry about grass stains that new blouse. Bonus point: if your paranoid ears pick up voices, you can just stand up and straighten your skirt.
DO: Try it!
There’s nothing quite like the thrill of sneaking off to the bridge in the middle of campus and conquering it with the help of your man-of-the-night. It’ll make for an experience neither of you will soon forget and, from that moment on, every time you cross that bridge on the way to class, you won’t be able to help but grin a little.
Get your confidence up, and start scoping out the campus and guys. That blue bodycon dress is calling your name, and so is that boy from last weekend. The goal is to keep your alcohol levels down and your ass up. Head out into the night, and remember, if life is a playground: then you should fuck on it.