It seems like women tend to get the shorter end of the stick when it comes to sex in this society. Our bodies are used to sell all kinds of products, but when it comes to us actually having sex? We’re told we’re dirty, filthy, and nasty if we do it outside of marriage. A man who has a lot of sex outside of marriage is a stud. A woman who has a lot of sex outside of marriage is a slut. Or a whore. Or a cunt. But then, society tells us, a delightful thing happens after a woman gets married. Sex becomes a beautiful thing to be shared between a loving couple. Sex binds two people in a way nothing else can. Sex creates life. Sex is the best thing ever. 

The truth is in. Sex is a glorious, beautiful thing. In and out of marriage. You are not a bad person for enjoying pre-marital sex. In fact, it’s perfectly normal and healthy. However, if you grew up in a family that didn’t talk about sex, that was into purity balls or rings, or that celebrated abstinence-only sex education, you might feel guilty about engaging in sex outside of marriage. Let’s talk for a little while about why having sex before marriage is a good thing.

The first time I had sex I was 17. I was in my first serious relationship. We’d been with each other for a year. We’d waited. We’d made out. We’d played around with some other things. We loved each other. We were convinced that although neither of us had actually fit our penis and vagina with anyone else’s, we’d figure it out.

In reality, it was awkward. It was painful. We weren’t sexually compatible. I didn’t know that that was even a thing at the time, but it flat out didn’t work. We stayed together for a while longer after that, but I still think it’s one of the primary reasons we ended up breaking up later.

Looking back, I can’t imagine how humiliating and horrible it would have been to discover our lack of sexual compatibility on our wedding night. And because I am a strong believer in staying married when you get married, I can’t imagine having sex for the first time, having it not work, and then getting divorced over lack of sexual compatibility.

Sexual Compatibility

But what exactly is sexual compatibility? It’s made up of a myriad components, actually. Part of it is physical attraction. Part of it is personality compatibility. And part of it is what you like sexually (which, if you’ve never had sex before, how can you know that?). Your likes sexually go far beyond which positions you like. It includes things like, how kinky you are? Would you rather be more dominant or submissive in bed? Do you think tantra is awesome? Or would you rather keep it less emotionally intense? Do you like to go fast or slow? Rough or gentle? Do you like making out? With tongue? Without? How sexually adventurous are you? What types of adventure are you into?

In my mind, getting married without having sex first is like buying a car without test driving it first. It’s like choosing to date someone without having a conversation with them first. It’s like choosing a college without ever stepping foot on the campus or reading anything about it. And logically, would you do any of those things? So why do that with sex, which is arguably one of the most important things we do in our lives?

Need some other reasons to not feel bad about premarital sex? First off, sex feels fucking good. Do it in the missionary position, from behind, chained to the wall, or on the floor. However you slice it, sex is the best thing since sliced bread (and better because, let’s face it, we were having sex before we made bread).

Secondly, chances are that if you feel bad about liking “dirty” or “nasty” things sexually before marriage, that won’t magically change after you get married. Your feelings about sex pre-marriage are a form of baggage that you take into your marriage. Marriage won’t magically make sex feel like it’s meant to be. Might as well dump out the negative thoughts you don’t need before you’re married.

Finally, you know when someone told you NOT to do something and you’re human brain was like, “F you, I do what I want?” Well, you’re not alone, according to Jezebel, 95% of Americans have had sex before they’re married. Yeah, 95%.

So next time someone tries to make you feel bad about having sex before you’re married, you have my permission to slap them. Tell them you’re figuring out what you like and don’t like, so that when you do get married (to someone else who also has figured out what sexually makes them tick), you two will have the hottest, sexiest, horniest marriage of all time.