So you’ve been seeing your partner for a while now and you both are ready to take it to the next level. The sexual level. You’re all prepared for this mind blowing, toes curling sexual experience and when it finally happens, to say you’re let down is the understatement of the century. How do you let them know that they are fucking AWFUL in bed? Or at least, use some savvy techniques to make it more pleasurable? Well, let me break this down for you and give you the skinny so your sex life doesn’t take a hit.
Don’t Fake It
You are helping no one. When I hear how some people, particularly women, will fake orgasms, I feel bad for them knowing that they are missing out on such a great experience – and it’s also an opportunity to tell your partner what you like! If you have to fake it with him, what’s the point of having sex? Most women are known to fake an orgasm at least once in their lives. Why? I have no fucking clue. I wouldn’t fake one.
You may want to think why you’re faking it – and what consequences come with it. Is it because you want to stroke your partner’s ego, and make them feel like they are great in bed? Or is it because you just want it to be over? Will you have to fake it every time from now on? Are you capable of keeping up this act for a long period of time? And most importantly, can you manage to have sex or do sexual activities without actually being pleased?
If you’re serious about seeing this person and want to continue to see them, you should let them know if you’re not feeling pleasured, and take steps to get there. Instead of faking orgasms, focus on having orgasms. The tips below can help you get there!
Give Them Feedback
Your partner wants to hear what they are doing right in bed – and even what they’re doing wrong, if it’s phrased kindly. They want to know what you want, what you like, and what turns you on. At least, a caring partner does! If your courtship could potentially be long term, you both are going to want to be sexually satisfied in bed. So, letting them know what you like and dislike would be highly in your favor. Otherwise, get used to reaching into your nightstand for your vibrator for the rest of your relationship.
A great vibe like the We-Vibe Tango is a must to have on hand during times like these.
Your partner isn’t a mind reader. Communication in bed is key. Don’t be shy. Small comments and directions are helpful like, “to the left/right” or “a little higher/lower”. This doesn’t have to come across as an awkward direction. It can simply be whispered in his ear or let out among moans and pants to show you’re enjoying yourself. If you are just a little too shy to be vocal about it, you could also gently move their hand to the right spot and they can take it from there.
Sometimes, you need to say a little more to express yourself and get your needs met. You can gently suggest things you’d like for them to do by saying, “Oh, I love it when you…” – or, to let them know what you like in the moment, moan out an “Ooooh, I like that” or a “Yes, right there!” You can never go wrong with the good ole “Don’t stop.” The more verbal communication, whether it be moans or actual words, the better. For more tips, check out our guide on How to Ask for What You Want in Bed!
Don’t do this!
Talk Outside of the Bedroom
Sometimes, in the moment moans are hot, but not straightforward enough to give you want you’re really looking for. Similarly, advice in the moment can also come off as more stressful and critical than useful. If this is the case, it’s fabulous to talk about things outside of the bedroom. It may seem awkward at first – but it isn’t a bad thing at all! It actually has a huge impact on relationships and your pleasure. In fact, it’s key to making sure you get to your O, just like they do.
When you’re both alone together, relaxed and comfortable, spark a sexy conversation. It doesn’t need to be a certain time or a “we need to talk” discussion. Whenever you feel it’s appropriate to talk about sex is a good time. Start the conversation on a positive note, letting your partner know the specific moves that they do that you like. It could be something as simple as the way they kiss, or how they touch your clit. Try something like, “When you do this, it really puts me in the mood and feels great.” This will let them know that they are doing a good job (at least, with some things) and it will start the conversation on a positive foot.
Then, start to lead them in the right direction of what you like. Even if they haven’t done it before, you can kind of act like they have. Say something like, “I love it when you kiss my neck – it’d feel phenomenal if you did that more” or “I like when you tease me and make me really want it. It feels great to have some foreplay before we get down to business.” Sometimes, this is all it takes to lead them in the right direction. If you don’t want to hint that they’ve done it before, you can say something like, “If you did this other sex move too, I’d lose control” or “I heard about this awesome new technique… Let’s give it a try!” It’s more of a suggestion than a critique, and gives him the green light to try new things with you in bed.
Also feel free to let them know what you don’t like, and what you’re not really down to try again. It may be a sensitive subject, so approach it lightly. You might want to say something like, “I’m really glad we tried super fast sex, but I just don’t think it’s for me” or “It’s kinda kinky that you want to try anal, but it really doesn’t feel good for me” or “I’m so happy that you are so excited to get it on, but sometimes when you go in quick without any lube, it hurts. Let’s take it slow so I can get really wet first.”
Speaking of lube, Wicked is our favorite.
Framing it in a positive way lets them know that you still care and again aren’t trying to be mean, but will get the point across that you don’t enjoy a certain technique or move.
Toys Are Not the Enemy
Sometimes you need an extra “oomph” in bed, and toys are great way to let that happen. Considering most people with clits climax from clitoral stimulation rather than penetration, this isn’t a huge deal unless you make it a huge deal. A small clitoral vibrator is the best option for sex, because you can still have penetrative sex while getting the stimulation you crave. Just be sure to read some reviews before buying a crappy vibrator.
Did I mention how much we love the We-Vibe Tango? Don’t miss our review.
Before just whipping it out in the heat of the moment, talk to your partner about the idea. In a world full of toxic masculinity, some men will feel like their “manhood” is being taken away from them if you’re using a toy in bed, while others will be more curious and consider it kinky. If your partner is the former, let him know that that’s not the case at all. Your body – and the bodies of most cis women and other people with vaginas – needs clitoral stimulation to get off, and you can’t always get there from PIV sex alone. It’s really nothing personal. If your partner is the latter, then lucky you! Enjoy a toy to bring yourself over the edge.
Try New Things
Don’t be afraid to try out new positions, places, lubes, toys, and more! The more open you both are in bed, the greater the chance that you’ll both receive that ultimate O. Talk with your partner and see what they consider to be experimental, fresh, new, and exciting, as it varies from person to person. It may be something simple things like lubes, toys, and sex pillows that can add renewed excitement to your sexual routine. It may be something a bit more daring and adventurous, like a role play scenario, lingerie, or a naughty strip tease. Or, your partner could surprise you with something totally wild – like fantasies of BDSM! Talk about it, and explore these new ideas to turn up the heat.
My go-to question when hooking up with someone is “What do you want to do in bed, but haven’t done yet?” This will give you an idea of what they consider to be experimental, and what kinds of fantasies they’re dreaming about. You may even just want to lightheartedly mention how you want to try something in bed, just to get a feel of their opinion on it. Mentioning your curiosity on something a few times may be all it takes for you both to jump on a new idea. Depending on what it is, you could even surprise your partner! Interested in being cuffed? Show up to bed with a pair of fuzzy handcuffs and they’ll get the idea. But other things absolutely need to be discussed. Interested in pegging your partner? Don’t surprise the… talk about it first.
Look no further for your first set of furry handcuffs.
When it comes to bad sex, sometimes a little guidance or extra help can be all you need to turn it around. Other times, you just may not be sexually compatible. Make sure to try out a few of these tips before you completely throw in the towel. One of them may just be the magic trick to make your sex life that much better – and not end on a (sexually) frustrated note. Happy humping!