So I, like a large part of the female population, sometimes get hot wax spread on to and ripped off of my vagina. That’s right, it feels about as good as it sounds, not to mention that there’s a stranger with her face in my spotlighted vagina. While I agree that whoever made up this thing should be waxed until they don’t even have one hair left, I do like the naked feeling it gives me, after managing all the pain.
Anyone who’s never gotten a bikini wax will ask, “Does it hurt?” and I’ll just answer that for you right now – yes, yes it does.
I don’t care what kind of pain tolerance you have, it still hurts. I’d compare it to the pain of getting slapped, except it’s a two-part pain. Part one is the initial shock, the ‘wow’, or the sharp exhale that you try to hide from your wax-ologist. Part two is the burning sensation that comes from your newly sensitive, red, angry skin hitting the cold air.
At least that’s my experience, and I have a generally high pain tolerance (though I also love to complain). Either way, I don’t know anyone who would argue that it’s a good time.
So next time you’re lying on a table with gloved hands feeling your lady bits, these thoughts will inevitably go through your head (at least once).
1. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this color wax before. Why does every salon have different wax? Is it a signature thing? Are there wax trends? Fads? Hmm. “No, no lady it’s not too hot, spread ‘er on”.
2. Alright, here we go. She’s counting to three. Maybe it won’t hurt as much as last time. Wait did she say three? OH FUCK, yup that was the three! Breathe, breathe, people have babies, you can handle this.
3. I’d like to see how hairy I was after she pulls the strips off. Is that weird? I feel like that’s weird. I probably shouldn’t ask her to show me. Anyways, that would just delay the process, OW!
4. No, this is definitely not better than the last time.
5. Who created this terrible thing? Remind me to kill them. If I could reach my phone maybe I could Google it and then tweet how much I hate them. Next time she reaches for more torture wax, I’ll grab it.
6. Okay. Phone retrieved. Who invented bikini waaAAHHH? Shit, the tens of hair follicles she just ripped out of me made me make a typo. At least Google understands me. Okay, who was it? The ancient Egyptians? Damn it. Definitely can’t tweet them.
7. Hey, that one wasn’t so bad. Cool! I can do this. Plus she said we’re almost done, but her pity smile said she was lying. Is that a thing? A pity smile? I’m making it a thing. It’s a thing now.
8. Did that wax get warmer is it because she’s now literally painting it over my labia? Ha, my vagina is sealed shut, that’s a first.
9. Okay, breathe. This is the worst part. Get ready for her to wax the family jewels. That’s a weird expression, shouldn’t they be my jewels? OH SHIT, I think she just ripped off my labia!
10. Give me back my labia.
11. Yes, ma’am, I’ll pull my knees up to my chest so you can injure my asshole. I hate that hairs grow on assholes. That’s bullshit.
12. Did I wipe well? I hope I wiped well.
13. Hey cool, we’re done! I did it! Wait. . . what is she reaching for? Tweezers? Seriously? I’m not a porn star, it’s okay. We can we be done.
14. She just tweezed my asshole. I have a tweezed asshole. I’m done now, she tweezed my asshole, I just can’t.
15. Ugh, why do I have to pay her for this? I want a latte. I’m getting a latte, I deserve a latte. Girl, treat yo self! My name for the cup? Recently traumatized, thanks for asking.