Dear Sensible Slut,
I am really facing a dilemma. At 16, I am proudly still a virgin, but I want to have sex so badly.
I feel bad about it because I am always so damn horny and I feel like society has painted that to be a bad thing. You always hear about teenage guys being sexually frustrated, but not so much about teenage girls. I feel like we think wanting sex is bad because of the fact that we are girls.
I want my first time to be with someone I care about and know cares about me, but is also attractive. I have plenty of guy friends that I think would have sex with me, but I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it because I don’t find them sexually attractive. All the guys I am attracted to are either taken or on a totally different social plane – basically untouchable. Or they are just not caring or not intelligent.
I feel like I’m being too picky and while I have no problem masturbating, it’s getting to the point that I am touching myself all the time. I feel like touching myself is not enough. I’m not satisfied anymore and want more. I feel like if I have sex, then some of my pent up sexual hunger and frustration would be released. Just with my current circumstances and high standards, I feel like that is nearly impossible. Basically I’m asking for any advice that you think could possibly help me.
Thank you!
Hey girl, hey!
Of course you’re so damn horny! You’re 16 and you’re feeling these amazing feelings! It’s hard not to think about sex because it’s all over the media. You can’t even turn on a political debate without there being references to penis sizes. It’s all over the place. Sex is a powerful act. I won’t lie to you, it can be amazing and euphoric. Then other times it can be disappointing.
That being said, it’s good to have standards when it comes to sex, especially at your age. Be picky- it’s okay. You don’t want to rush into it. Sex complicates things. I was picky myself… really picky. I waited until I was 23 and it was solely because I didn’t think the men I was surrounding myself with were good enough. You need to hold yourself up to a standard that you deem appropriate. Who’s going to be good enough for you? When I lost my virginity, it was with a man who was a little bit older and we had a lot of sex for 3 months and then realized that there was nothing there. We had nothing in common and I barely enjoyed hanging out with him, but he had a big dick, so my tolerance was negotiable at the time. It was also the 5th anniversary of 9/11 and he’s a FDNY, so it was my patriotic duty. Overall, I’m happy I waited because I have a good sense of who I am and what I’m looking for now. Other people are happy to have sex sooner, so it’s all personal preference.
You’re going to hate this part, but you should look into activities where you can displace your sexual frustration, period. If you think you’re feeling sexually frustrated now, oh man, it’s only going to get more intense once you start having sex. You are going to want it all. the. time. Working out is always a good alternative. Masturbating after working out is great, too. I would also suggest getting a vibrator. Start with a bullet and then work your way up. We have some great recommendations here.
If you do decide to have sex, make sure you use a condom. The pull out method is not a good alternative, especially with guys your age. They think they have control, but they don’t. Some never will and there’s nothing wrong with that, but again, wrap it up. Babies don’t need to be having babies. The Gilmore Girls painted a cool picture of a teen mom, but it’s not like that. Now at 31, I’ve met a man who has amazing control, but we still use a condom. (He’s a rarity and mine, so back off.)
In our culture, we put a lot of pressure on sex, but it’s not the only thing in life, so make sure you don’t set that bar too high because you’ll be in for a lot of disappointment. It’ll happen when it feels right and even saying that sounds lame, but it’s true. Trust yourself and you’ll know when it’s right. For now, set goals for life and work towards them, but more importantly get a vibrator and don’t get bored with masturbating. That’s “you time” and should help to release any sexual frustration you have.
The Sensible Slut
Written by Meghan O’Malley of Awkward Sex and the City.
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