During any serious hook-up or potential one night stand, there comes the moment when you’re about to cross the line from a mild sexual encounter to a mind-blowing experience. Now, a true gentleman won’t even have to ask. He’ll be prepared before you even say the words, deftly reaching into the desk drawer where he keeps his stash. A douchebag, on the other hand, won’t even attempt to ask. He’ll be right at the gates, poking around, ‘til you say “whoa buddy… forgetting something there?”, as if he could get in raw dog for free. But your standard guy will ask you, “Should I get a condom?”
Now, nine times out of ten, the answer is YES. Having children would totally ruin your social life… and herpes is one gift you don’t want to receive. That other time is when you’ve downed half a bottle of Cuervo (damn, he looks good in the dark!) and grab his hips like you’re at the fucking rodeo, pushing it in yourself. But, in hopes that these times are few and far in between, even attempting to use a condom can become problematic.
No Condom
I’m hard pressed to believe that any man between the ages of fourteen and forty does not possess a condom somewhere in or on his property. Men live for the possibility that they might have sex on the weekend. No matter how unlikely, they thrive off the thought of these potential encounters. If your man says he’s lacking in the rubber department, he is either lying in hopes that you’ll say “fuck it” and go for it anyway; or, he must not have assessed his surroundings properly. Are you in college? Did you go out to the bar or club tonight? Are you reasonably attractive, or at least hitting on girls much younger and uglier than you? Did you think there was even a remote possibility that you’d ever have a girl in your vicinity sometime in the near future? Then you should really own a condom. If he truly does not own a condom, this is a warning sign. He either has not seen a naked female since 10th grade anatomy, or bones empty handed 100% of the time. Either way, you do not want to be a part of this individual’s repertoire.
If you are considering not using a condom, you have to seriously ask yourself the question: “Is the dick that good?” This is a quick assessment of how worthwhile his dick is compared to the potential consequences you may face as a result of this encounter. Worst case scenario, you’re facing pregnancy and an incurable STD. But you know this. Best case scenario, you’ve got your calendar in one hand, birth control in the other, desperately praying that you haven’t missed a pill. This moment will make even the most nonreligious girls pull out their rosary beads and pray to God that their period will come, and come quick. But of course, this will be the month when you’re period is three days late and you start crying in the shower, looking up Planned Parenthood resources in your spare time. Bottom line, unless he’s “rollin’ out” like Ludacris, it’s really not worth the time, money, or embarrassment it takes to drive yourself to CVS and buy some Plan B.
Avoid the “no condom” problem by bringing your own. We love One Pleasure Plus Condoms.
Expired Condoms
Deciding to use a condom is certainly a step in the right direction. Once it’s on, you can typically go to business, smooth sailing. Your mind is at ease knowing you’re safe from STD’s and unintended pregnancy. But if only life could be this easy all the time. In rare cases, the condom just doesn’t feel quite right. It’s so dry and brittle that your tropical paradise instantly becomes a desert savannah. You may second guess yourself. “That’s odd. He must have bought unlubricated condoms. They sell those… right?” But no. Ten strokes in, that shit snaps, like a water balloon has just exploded inside you. It’s in these moments that I think to myself, “I should have just brought my own damn condoms.” But, of course, I didn’t anticipate that I’d be hooking up with an infantile ape who probably still thinks babies come from storks, and certainly can’t locate the clitoris.
Most condoms have at least a four-year lifespan, so if the wrapper says “Expires in 2010”, he hasn’t bought condoms since ’06, or possibly even earlier. Depending on where you fall generationally, this could mean trouble. If your man hasn’t bought condoms since high school, you can be assured that his sexual skills end around that same time… and the only position he’s well-versed in is missionary. If he’d been getting any practice in, those condoms would be in rotation so fast that he’d have the up-and-coming brand in before they even hit the shelves. The clerks at CVS don’t need to know him by name, but he should certainly be stopping in at least once or twice a year, if for no other reason than to renew his stash. If the condom breaks, don’t even bother replacing it. Just leave. You’ve had your days of fumbling limbs and uncoordinated rhythms. No need to revisit that in your prime.
Stock up on Durex Extra Sensitive Condoms today and you won’t have to worry about yours expiring soon.
Bad Condoms
Assuming the condoms are in full working condition, there are still some problems to be faced. Regular Durex, Ruff Riders, “Twisted Pleasure”, or any condom given out for free at your local health center. These are just a few examples of condoms that will fuck your night up. As if condoms weren’t uncomfortable enough, thick condoms entirely remove any remaining pleasure from the experience. I’d rather saran wrap that dick than spend the next thirty minutes checking the clock, hoping he’ll finish soon so I can catch the encore of Jersey Shore. If I wanted to feel plastic, I’d have skipped going out completely and instead spent the night with BOB, my battery-operated boyfriend. If you’re going to use a condom, it’s worth spending the extra $4.50 to get a half-decent pack and save your date from wishing she hadn’t wasted a number, or her time.
Far worse than thick condoms are those that have extra ribbing and layers designed for “her pleasure”. I don’t know who they tested these condoms on, but last time I checked, women’s vaginas were not made to withstand anything resembling a cactus.
These ultra-thin condoms definitely will feel good.
Who even approved of these torture devices? Yes, please give me extra pointy, sharp, twisted, uneven, or otherwise remarkably painful latex to ram inside my lady bits. I’d try to enjoy the “added pleasure”, but I’m too horrified. Initially, the fact that you bought thick condoms suggested you were cheap bastard… but now with these babies, you’ve confirmed yourself as a sadistic psycho.
As wonderful as the idea of condoms are, it seems that in practice, their usage serves only to cock-block those of us looking to get it in, and create one more problem for the slutty girl in all of us.
Despite our issues with condoms, they’re incredibly necessary for safe sex. So have fun, be safe, and stock up!
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