Wine drunk is the best drunk. If you disagree, drop your location… I just want to fight talk. Those of us who are veterans in this wine drinking game know what’s up, but if you’re a newbie, there are levels to this type of intoxication. I recently had a very interesting night where I downed a bottle of red wine and some rosé and I want to share the knowledge (that I can remember… because things got wild).

This is Cute

(Glasses 1-2)

I had a cute pasta dinner while I watched a movie. It was a classy, grown woman vibe with my candles setting the mood for me to relax and unwind. I really felt like I was channeling Olivia Pope.

young olivia pope

It’s Lit

(Glasses 3-5)

The movie I was watching hadn’t ended yet and, there I was, with half a bottle of wine. I don’t believe in wasting wine so I kept on sipping. I sipped my way right on into my feelings. We’re one bottle in the game at this point and I could feel the heat in my cheeks letting me know the alcohol was ready to party.

It’s Too Lit?

(Glasses 6-7)

I like to think that I have the soul of a poet, and with the right amount of wine, the poet jumps out and I start writing furiously. Pen in one hand and a glass in the other, I was feeling empowered and focused. I did start crying a little but I also try to cry once a month just release, so I was cool. I got five pages of writing done AND it’s legible.

It was at this point I knew that I had fucked up. I can’t even count glasses at this point because in all honesty, I was thinking about exes and just took the bottle to the head. I am not condoning drinking alone and thinking about sad stuff. Drink with friends and talk about sad stuff… much more fun! But let’s continue with learning from my mistakes.

You Sexy, Sexy Bitch

When I drink, I have been known to get a little frisky but currently I’m single as a pringle and I’m not looking to mingle so I have to get frisky with myself. I distinctly remember sliding out of my clothes and just feeling myself. Attempting to masturbate while I was drunk was THE hardest thing I have ever done. It took forever and I didn’t even have an orgasm… a waste of time but at least I was cute doing it.

A Hot (Cheeto) Mess

This is the cautionary part of the story: don’t snack on flamin’ hot Cheetos and drink two bottles of wine. I feel like most people know this, but I was living in ignorant bliss. That was until my spicy snack made an encore performance while I was leaning over the porcelain throne. Never again. It was also at this point that I remembered my mom taking care of me when I had the stomach flu and cleaning up my vomit. I cried a little more and made a mental note to thank her because that’s love.

I’m a Bad Bitch, You Can’t Kill Me

The next morning I woke to find that I had done my laundry, I didn’t have yuck mouth because I remembered to brush my teeth, and I hadn’t let my candles burn all night. On top of not giving me a hangover, wine makes me more responsible than when I’m sober.

However, I did opt to never drink like that again for a few reasons:

  1. I don’t want to use alcohol as a crutch in any capacity, whether it be writing or having fun. Attaching emotions to alcohol consumption can be a slippery slope.
  2. “I would think that a single woman’s biggest worry would be choking to death alone in her apartment.”- 30 Rock. This line came to mind, as I was releasing my demons into the toilet by myself with no one to hold my hair. My sober brain was so terrified of the things that could’ve gone wrong.
  3. Good wine isn’t cheap and should be savored, not chugged.

Learn from my mistakes, I certainly have. I decided to push my limits and now I know I need to stay in the one bottle range. I was fortunate to have done this little experiment in the safety of my own home, but not everyone is so lucky. Stay in your alcohol lane, stay safe, and stay sexy while you swirl your wine.