Who better to answer your burning questions about kinky situations than pro domme and friend of SGP, Lola Jean? Not only does she have a wealth of knowledge when it comes to sex education and sex positivity – but she also has hands on experience when it comes to empowering one’s self through sexuality, sensuality, and kink.
This week, she’s tackling a reader’s dilemma when it comes to communicating desires for rougher play. How do you ask to be spanked? What’s the best way to bring BDSM into the bedroom without pressuring a partner to do something they may not enjoy? If you’ve ever struggled with how to ask for kinkier sex, today’s advice column has you covered.
Hi Lola and SGP,
So my boyfriend and I are very open about talking about sex and the things we enjoy. There have been a few times that he has spanked me while we’ve been making out and he’s been very comfortable with it. I have always been very turned on being spanked and have gotten into some BDSM activity with past partners. I would really like advice on how I can discuss being rougher with my boyfriend. I don’t ever want him to feel uncomfortable or pressured into this kind of thing if he doesn’t get turned on by it the way I do. But still, I would like to know the best way of getting my boyfriend to properly, and more aggressively spank me. Instead of just slapping my behind during sex or make out sessions, I would like him to roughly spank me over his knee. How should I go about bringing this up so that he’s comfortable?
Thank you so much!
Sincerely, Kinky and Confused
Hey there, Kinky and Confused,
Good on you for communicating your desires and wanting to provide a safe place or your boyfriend to also explore without going too far out of his comfort space. Given this is a kink that you’re looking to delve into and he would be facilitating this (remember a D/S scene revolves more around the submissive and their desires!), it’s first worth looking into what is it about spanking (impact play) that turns you on.
It is the physical sensation? What is it about that? Sometimes it’s the fact that we’re taking part of something seemingly taboo and naughty. The physical sensation makes blood rise to the surface of the skin making it more sensitive to touch. Are the sensation more enjoyable of being hit or the time after you are hit where you are sensitive?
The enjoyment of impact play may be more mental, our focus being on the area that is being impacted and less in our heads. Is it about the journey and mental space you are taken on during the impact play? Is it the highs coupled with the lows? Is it the idea of engaging in something psychical and slightly masochistic that creates the sensation of being naughty? Is this an area you and your boyfriend rarely explore – i.e. is your relationship very loving and tender and perhaps lacking on the passion and immediacy of new lovers?
Once you have more of a narrative of what is it about spanking that you like – because it can be a lot and varied at that – communicate those with your partner. If he understands where you’re coming from and why you like it he may be able to better provide what is is you’re looking for without being worried about hurting you. Ask him about his fears or reservations. Discuss all of these things before you engage again. Don’t shut down his insecurities regarding the BDSM introduction. BDSM is also about creating a safe space where we can not only act on the taboo but where we are allowed to have our own opinions and feelings on the matter as well as how to navigate around those. Just like you wouldn’t want him to cross your boundaries you also wouldn’t want to force him to something he is uncomfortable with without addressing this prior.
Develop safe words and signals, as well as any requirements as to how you are treated during or after. What type of aftercare do you require? What should he look out for to see if you are enjoying yourself or not?
Offer to go to an impact play workshop together. Safety is an important part of any BDSM play and it can bring a lot of ease for a top to know what the safe areas are as well as proper technique. Bonus – you can also discover what type of impact you like: thuddy versus stingy, floggers versus canes, et cetera. If this is still a bit too out of his comfort some consider hiring a professional or a Pro Dom/me to do a couples session with you. I’ve had plenty of sessions with couples where my goal was to both provide an experience for the submissive while simultaneously teaching the dominant-in-training to eventually take my place. This can be a very enriching experience as a couple when you find the right Pro.
If he is okay with it, have him also experience from your point of view directly. Sometimes it is easier to understand the appeal of something or at the very least gain the others point of view by undergoing it ourselves.
We want to please our partners. If you emphasize how much it would turn you on, or mean to you, et cetera, you’ll be able to get him more excited about providing this experience. Ultimately, that’s what you want! It’s more fun when someone is enthusiastically spanking you then doing so with boredom.
