The question women who love men everywhere have been asking for centuries: Is a huge beef baton really what we want from a man? Please, read on.

A ten inch dick would be longer than my forearm (I measured it this morning). I do believe the average wanger is around six inches? The longest officially recorded is 14 inches, the owner of which reportedly suffers dizziness when he gets a hard-on. He also claims he can only have anal sex, as his cock can’t physically fit in a vagina.

I’ve slept with some pretty well-endowed gents (I call them gents, though the majority have been utter assholes) and that was some painful, and quite frankly annoying, shit right there. The average vagina is 3-4 inches deep, 3-4 inches! That’s shorter than a pen! (Though some women have a depth of 6-7 inches.) Of course, a lady’s Sarlaac Pit is designed to accommodate rather large things (for example, the tiny human that may or may not come flying out) and expands in size when aroused. That does not, however, make it at all comfortable or fun to have huge objects jammed into your lovely lady parts, ramming repeatedly against your cervix. Fucking OUCH.

So, contrary to popular belief, bigger is not necessarily better.

Your arsehole can be between 5-7 inches deep. A fairly flexible battery-operated friend could just about push past that, but only to take the gateway to hell into the large intestine – provided you’re really patient and have a bucket load of lube at your disposal. And of course, if you don’t mind things being inserted into your actual internal organs. A rock-hard lovestick, on the other hand? Hmmm, not so bendy.

So, if you’re shooting for realistic sex and you’re not overly keen on ring sting, you may want to reconsider parting those thighs for anything more than 7-8 inches of dick. Over ten inches might sound like a good time but, like communism, for most people it’s better in theory than it is in practice.

It is, in turn, all about how you use that one-eyed trouser snake. I’ve had sex with a couple of people verging on forearm size, who obviously (and obnoxiously) assumed that because of the size of their (not so) little general, they don’t need to put in as much work. Well, let me just correct you: you need to put in more work. It feels like you’re being repeatedly stabbed by a large tree branch completely at random. No rhythm. Just prodding. And no woman has any chance of climaxing whilst constantly worrying about which of her innards you’re about to rupture.

So while a massive shlong may be a welcome treat once in a while (unless your love cave is not dissimilar to the Dartford Tunnel), those averagely-endowed young fellows who really put in the effort are at the top of my list all day, every day. Not to mention, when it’s smaller you have more chance of fitting it all in your mouth and/or bottom – a win-win situation, really!

This, however, is not an opportunity for those with miniscule members to rejoice. Nothing looks sadder than a tiny flaccid dick. If it’s really that small (and trust me, some of them really, really are) then for the love of all things good in this world, work on your oral technique. Don’t just flail around on top of me leaving me to question whether or not it’s actually ‘in’.

In the case of the penis, average is actually better.