The first rule of Fight Club is, “You do not talk about Fight Club”. Luckily, we’re not a fight club… although I wouldn’t mind hooking up with Brad Pitt or Edward Norton from their Fight Club days. YOWZA!
Instead, I’d like to introduce you to the Slut Club! And the first rule of the Slut Club is:
EVERYONE TALK ABOUT THE SLUT CLUB!!
In this club, we’re going to discuss some of the Do’s and Don’t’s of the slutty lifestyle. Some are hard fast rules, others are left to the discretion of the moment. The goals are to remain comfortable, empowered, safe and above all else, entertained.
Work Your Assets
Honestly, this is my only hard fast rule. I think you should find your inner slut, define her and embrace her! There are four types of standard sluts that I’m familiar with:
- The Bar Fly – She’s dolled up, her hair is usually big, and so is her tolerance for alcohol.
- The Girl Next Door – She’s a classic, quintessential “it girl”, laid back, and confident
- The Wallflower – She’s the one with the inner freak, and you usually don’t recognize it until the next day from the pics on your phone
- The Attention Whore – I think the name about covers it, don’t you?
There are more types of sluts, no doubt, and it doesn’t matter which one of these you are… of if you aren’t at all. It’s a combination of confidence and character. I promise that your looks play less of a role in the Slut Club than you’re willing to admit to yourself.
I probably fall in the category that is the love child of the Bar Fly and the Girl Next Door. Which means I can drink with the boys, but I can also do so in heels while covering my ass. I think it’s best to keep an air of mystery about you. My assets are my wit, my eyes, and effectual indifference. You should learn your assets, and use them!
Don’t get Attached
If you plan to pioneer a slutty lifestyle, DO IT! But, don’t go around getting all clingy and needy. If you have a habit of doing just that, odds are, you’re not the slutty type. (Which is also great! But this article isn’t for you…) Getting attached can often lead to hurt feelings and misunderstandings. I’m not a fan of having the feels, so I make it a point to keep it as casual as possible. Sometimes a set of arms or abs sways me a little… and I have to dial it back. If this happens to you, it’s normal… just breathe and take a step away for a few days.
Keep them Guessing
While you’re taking a step back, he might be wondering where you went. That’s a good thing. Let him wonder. There’s something in a man’s DNA that is perpetually turned on by “The Chase”. Men (and women) want what they can’t have… or want what they have to seek, stalk, and prey upon. Men like to conquer! Unless he’s a bottom feeder that scavenges for a carcass... that’s what I like to call those girls that are weak minded and overly damaged to the point that they just limp about feeling sorry for themselves. Don’t be that girl! And don’t go home with that guy!! You’re too AMAZING, ALLURING, and ENIGMATIC to settle for anything less than perfection. Trust me.
Don’t Stay Over
8 times out of 10, I don’t stay over. It causes me to form familiarity, and that gets confusing. (Again with the feels!) Not to mention, I like to avoid the always horrific Walk of Shame. Nothing good is being said about you as you less than gracefully stumble out with bad hair, smeared make-up and an outfit you wouldn’t normally be wearing in the wee hours of the morning.
Have an Emergency Kit
If you do find yourself in a sleep over situation, or really any situation where you’re in transition, keep a few items with you at all times. When I go out, the size of my accessory purses vary, and that’s where I have to get creative. I like to stowaway the prerequisite lip gloss, powder, flask, and lighter that some of us can’t live without. But my recommendations are a travel toothbrush, for obvious reasons of course, but it also doubles as and eyebrow brush and a comb to help tame flyaways in that desperate ponytail you’re bound to have. Next, a condom (or two) and a handy dandy travel toilette cloth. And cash for a cab! For funsies, I also like to write down the address where I plan to stay for the night. Sometimes, at 3am, talking or remembering where you live is a chore, and I can just hand over the paper to the cabbie, and we’re on our way!
While drunk, and in moments of weakness, the ladies REALLY love to say what’s on their minds. Please don’t. I promise you that there is nothing to say that can’t wait until you’re sober or your hormones have settled the fuck down. This goes for texting, too. Nothing will ruin your slutty escapades like being a drama queen! The only exception to this rule is if the guy is being a douche. In that case, you’re welcome to either freeze him out or act like a psychotic howler monkey… and everything in between. Personally, I tend to freeze them out. But I’m a big fan of watching a girl go off on a man that was genuinely a jerk! So do your thing…
Please tell me about your rules in the comments!
my life rules
I love my life! I think I’m obviously the attention whore but my affinity for wearing bows directly on top of my head and my big innocent brown eyes make me look like the girl next door. The slut life is the good life!
I’m such a sucker for bows too! XO
I love everything about this post but I think my favorite part is the “Don’t Get Attached” section. Number 1 most important rule of the slutty lifestyle.
It’s not always easy, but it is VERY important!
Well i get too drunk usually to aide by any rules.. haha.. But my walk of shame last weekend…had to squeeze my heels back on after my feet swelled. and it was Good Friday. Nowhere to buy flats. As a result my baby toenail fell over. I felt like a real prize
Oh honey! That sounds like an epic stride of pride. I’ve walked away barefoot many times…
Living life like this is harder to do when everyone talks about everyone! Any advice?
My gut reaction wanted to be to say, “find better friends”. But I know that’s easier said than done. Unfortunately, discretion isn’t a priority for most people. Set a standard, and let the drama roll off your back. The word one the street is that any publicity is good publicity – if people are talking about you – and you’re not really being a twat – then it means people notice you (good!) and they’re envious (great!). The negative people with naturally weed themselves out if you fail to validate them! Keep your head and expectations held high, and make smart, healthy choices.