If you’re reading something on Slutty Girl Problems, you’re probably pretty familiar with sexual double standards, such as “Men can have as much sex as they want, but women must stay chaste.”, and the implications they have for women. But, what about the implications that these double standards have for men? The slut-versus-stud conundrum has two sides. Women have the right to own their sexuality, but not at the expense of men’s rights. Everyone owns their own sexuality, and women don’t own men’s as well.
It’s important to remember that respect goes both ways, and we need to give as much as we expect. Here are three of the (often overlooked) ways that we may be unintentionally projecting the sexual double standard on men.
1. Shaming men for owning sex toys.
Here at Slutty Girl Problems, we ADORE our sex toys. What’s not to love about some sexy alone time? I’m sure that no self-respecting girl would ever keep a guy around if he made fun of her vibrator. So, why are we making fun of guys for enjoying fleshlights, Tenga sleeves, or whatever else tickles their fancy? For a lot of us, our first reaction upon hearing that a guy owns a sex toy is that it’s gross or he “can’t get the real thing” (more on that later), when in actuality he probably just wants to add some variety to his solo sessions. If a guy wants to buy a blowup doll, that’s his prerogative, just as buying a dildo is yours.
2. Assuming men want sex 24/7.
If we want to fight the stereotype that women cannot be interested in sex, we must accept that men aren’t always interested in sex. They have plenty of other interests, too! When you hit up your guy for a hookup and he turns you down, don’t take it personally; maybe he just doesn’t feel like it. And if he doesn’t feel like it – there’s nothing wrong or un-masculine about that. Men have just as much of a right to say “no” as women do, and are in no way required to be ready for sex at the drop of a hat. Similarly, if you approach a random guy at the bar and he’s not feeling your flirting, don’t write him off as a loser. You’re a hot and confident lady, but not every guy has to like you; after all, you’re probably not interested in every guy who has ever hit on you. There’s a common belief that men will put up with just about anything if it results in them getting laid. Of course, this is true for some men, but it’s true for some women as well! We have to stop assuming men suffer from some kind of “sex tunnel vision” that prevents them from thinking or wanting anything else.
3. Thinking virginity is something to be embarrassed about.
The greatest insult people try to throw at girls is accusing them of promiscuity: slut, whore, skank, the list goes on. But when they want to insult a guy, they call him a virgin and tell him that he’ll never get laid. This is not okay. We want women to be able to break free from the sexual double standard and have sex with as many partners as they want to, but by associating male virginity with feeling ashamed or inadequate, we just look like hypocrites. The slutty girl lifestyle is all about being accepting of people’s sexual appetites and choices no matter where they fall along that spectrum. That’s the entire basis of sex-positivity. Nobody should ever feel bad about any aspect of their sexuality, regardless of their gender.
(This mentality is NOT okay)
Throughout our lives, women go through a huge amount of discrimination based on our sexual choices. It’s indisputable that women have suffered more due to the sexual double standard and inequality than men have, and we still have a long way to go in the journey towards eliminating it completely. I’m not trying to down play that. But, to successfully accomplish our goal of equality, we need to be aware of ALL the different ways the sexual double standard can affect people. Just as women have every right to be sexually active, men have every right not to be. Next time you complain about this particular issue, stop and take a look at yourself, then ask this question: Are you helping to eliminate the double standard – or perpetuate it?
I’m so excited to see this topic covered! Often, we focus on all the ways double standards and inequality effect women – but there is a very real effect on men as well! Whether it’s sexual double standards or gender roles in corporate and family life, men are impacted by inequality when they feel they have to live up to a certain image of masculinity. True equality means eliminating these standards for everyone – not just women!
In my early days of my slut phase, I was definitely guilty of feeling like guys want sex 24/7 – and if a guy wasn’t into me that night, it felt like a personal rejection. In reality, guys are human and experience ups and downs, stressful times, and aren’t always in the mood. It’s really important to respect that, and not take it like a slap in the face.
I think that ‘virginity shaming’ (for lack of a better word) is my biggest pet peeve, but also the one I’ve been most guilty of in the past. It’s so easy to just say, “He’s probably a virgin, anyway” when a guy says something rude about our sexuality. But that attitude isn’t any better than his! If you don’t want to be criticized about your level of sexual experience, you shouldn’t criticize the level of experience others have either.
love this article!!!
There’s definitely nothing wrong with guys that are virgins. Its actually pretty hot, in my opinion.
This might sound bad but my boyfriends 19 year old brother is still a virgin and I can’t help but fantasize about him.
Its very admirable to know that a guy can have such self control. Because believe me, he is very attractive and has had many opportunities, he’d just rather wait.
That’s so cute!
Thank you for this article. As a man, I find it refreshing to hear this perspective. I hold the belief that equalism is really what we all want, and feminism often divides us, rather than unites. When we come together in this world, thats when we have the best experiences. When we come together as equals, it’s exponential, not additive.
Great article. Thanks for writing