Situation: You look down the bar and spot a guy that is probably old enough to be your father staring at your amazing cleavage. Do you:

A) act completely repulsed, turn the other way and tell your best friend how gross he is
B) giggle and wave, but refuse to let him buy you a drink
C) make eye contact, wink, take him up on that drink… and more.

If you picked C), you probably have daddy issues. Congratulations, welcome to the club, we meet on Tuesdays.

Did you find yourself, starting from when you were a girl, getting little crushes on the father figures in TV shows you watched (coughcoughBobSagetcoughcough)? Then when you were old enough to babysit, starting to fantasize about the dads? And now, find yourself scanning around the room for anything that resembles a panda (salt and pepper)? Is that a yes? Then you have the bug, and you have it bad.

Just Do It Already

If you have never experienced the warmth of a middle-aged man collapsing on top of you after he has relinquished his baby gravy, you’re missing out. It may not sound that way, but there is nothing better than a man trying as hard as he can to keep you interested. Mostly every thrust, move, and touch is for your pleasure. There is no bigger ego boost for him than to know that he can still rock the socks off a twenty year old.

If you’re looking to snag your very own cliché scenario for a porn, all you need to do is bat those eyelashes just like you were fifteen again asking Dear Old Dad for money to go shopping, and smile that innocent smile while laughing at his jokes about golf and the stock market. If you keep it up long enough, he’ll get the hint and take things from there. You’ll be thanking me, if nothing else, for the stories to tell your girlfriends about how he paid for a hotel for an entire night, but only used it for three hours… or maybe that’s just my own personal experience.

The Call of the Manther

There are plenty of reasons why you can hear the call of a manther (the male form of a cougar). You don’t have to talk at all really. If you do, it’s most likely something along the lines of him trying to keep you turned on by telling you that he wants to bend you over and give you a spanking. (Which, should always be encouraged, no matter what the age). Older men tend to be more honest in any given situation and can show you so many new things (and take you to really nice restaurants).

Being single and enjoying the… ahem, company of an older man is great. You don’t have to be worried about if he likes your clothes or if he thinks you’re cool, you’re already cooler than he is. You have boobs AND you’re in your twenties. There’s no pressure, and you know that the ball is in your court (or both of them in your hand). If you have had your head knocked into the headboard hard enough you may start to want to take the next step, and that’s fine, you just have to be prepared for the feedback. People asking you if that’s your dad when out in public or in pictures. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be the trophy girlfriend at his work functions, those older wives giving you looks are just jealous of you, hun.

Text book daddy issues

Forever Daydreaming About Bob Saget

So, if there is currently a prime candidate that has the handsome chiseled features that lets you know how hot he must have been a few decades previous, go for it. If when you close your eyes and all you see is his mustache (which is he has non-ironically) then you owe it to yourself to try it out. Let him buy you a drink and see if he like baseball or football more, older guys love to tell you all about sports.

Getting it on with a man who is older than MTV isn’t always for everyone. You have to be willing to hunt and be hunted, know when to put the pressure on and when to have it put on you. It’s a chance to pretend that you’re Jennifer Garner in 13 Going On 30, but only the good parts, for little while, then you can go back to getting blackout because it’s Wednesday and you don’t have work tomorrow. And there’s no Pat Benatar sing-a-long, thank god.

All he needs is a mustache.