Finding My Big “O”
For a long time, I thought there was something wrong with me. Was I physically defective? Was I doing something wrong? Was I sleeping with the wrong guys? When I wasn’t able to have an orgasm during sex, these were only a few of the questions that ran through my head. When I was young and naive (I probably still am slightly), I just figured that no woman could. However I’ve grown up, I’ve had more sex, and I’ve spent a lot of time getting to know my own body. Bottom line? I’m not a freak of nature. I’m not the only female out there with this problem, and I’m not the only one that thought it was their own fault.
My best friend likes to make me green with envy by her quick and easy ability to orgasm, but I think she’s the freak of nature (I say this out of jealousy, obviously). It’s 2014 and we no longer have to walk around town with scarlet A’s if we want to talk about sex. When I was younger, Cosmo opened my mind about sex when my parents wouldn’t talk about it. Now Slutty Girl Problems allows me to share my own experiences and even collect more advice so my sex life can live up to it’s potential. Maybe my own experiences will help some realize they aren’t alone and there isn’t anything “wrong” with them.
No Orgasm Required
While orgasm is obviously the ultimate goal, it isn’t required to have good sex. I have great sex all of the time without being pushed over the edge. My partner can be doing everything right and it feels amazing but I still don’t finish. There are people out there that would definitely disagree with my opinion on this matter, but I will stand my ground. I have had men go down on me for long periods of time, having it feel exactly how it should: euphoric. Does this mean that I eventually broke down shaking, unable to speak, and then having zero ability to move because my orgasm was so intense? No, no it doesn’t. To those that haven’t had very much sex or to those that have orgasms quickly and easily, this may sound insane and like the babblings of a woman that doesn’t know her own body. Well, I promise you that it isn’t insane and I know my own body well enough to know when it just isn’t going to happen for me. Those are the times that I have to stop putting so much pressure on myself to have an orgasm and just enjoy the man on top of me.
To me, comfort is everything. I’ve slept with guys because they’re so hot that it would be against the rules of feminism not to, because I was too drunk and he was nice, and because I was just lonely and needed attention. Those may not be good reasons but they’re honest ones. However, I’ve also had sex with guys that I took my time to get to know and actually had relationships with. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out when I was the most comfortable. Did I have an orgasm when I had sex with a bartender on the bar after hours? No. Did I when I was in between the sheets on my ex’s bed while he whispered sweet little nothings in my ear? You bet your ass I did. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a hopeless romantic or serial monogamist (most know this about me) but if a guy is expecting an orgasm out of me, I’ll feel enough pressure to mentally cockblock myself and end up faking it. When I’m at ease around a man, I probably feel comfortable enough to tell him I have a hard time, therefore leading to less pressure to do so. As Carrie Bradshaw taught us in Sex and the City, there is an exception to every rule. She slept with “the jazz man” (as Big refers to him) and had the most intense orgasm of her life, with a man she barely knew. I keep waiting for my jazz man to sweep me off my feet and shake me to the core. Pun intended.
A Solution to Every Problem
We don’t have to give up hope for an orgasm during sex and just rely on our toys while we’re alone. Masturbating is definitely a very important part of being able to eventually have an orgasm during sex and knowing your own body will get you there even quicker. If you don’t know what you like, how in the hell is a guy supposed to know? We don’t have an appendage hanging off of our body that gets excited when you barely brush against it so we need to take time to know what the hell will get us excited. Guys are surprisingly willing to take direction if you know what direction you’re sending him in. He isn’t on a highway trying to get home, he’s in between your legs. By trying something like Cowgirl, or other pelvic grinding positions, you can take control and increase your chances of having an orgasm with your partner. Also by having your partner use his fingers, his tongue, or even one of your toys while you’re having sex will help stimulate your clitoris enough to hopefully kick you over the edge. However, if he’s doing these things and not hitting your clit because he doesn’t know exactly where it is, it isn’t going to help anyone. Grab his hand and lead it to where you want it, letting him know when he’s on the right track. If he isn’t a big, dumb oaf, he’ll eventually catch on. The only roadblock I’ve ever hit here is what we call the man’s ego. He may think he knows all that there is to know about a woman (everyone take a moment to laugh here) so he doesn’t want or need your direction. We have to be gentle and make sure we aren’t telling them they suck, but rather that we need a little bit of extra attention in certain places. Things never really work out with guys like that anyway so I suggest getting the fuck out of there and buying a new vibrator to make yourself feel better.
To Fake It or Not To Fake It?
Now a lot of men and women think the concept of faking it is completely fucked up and I would agree. However sometimes when a guy is working so hard and he’s doing everything right, you want to give him what he’s waiting for. Do I want to have an awkward conversation and tell them I don’t feel comfortable enough to have an orgasm? No. So I get a little louder, claw my nails into his back, and give him words of encouragement. I know this is wrong and, trust me, I hate myself every time I do it. I can’t sleep with them again because if I do, I’m just going to have to fake it again. This normally doesn’t stop me from going back though because I’m a female and we have short-term memory loss about a guy when we’re feeling lonely. I’ve had sexual relationships last longer than Kim Kardashian’s marriage to Kris Humphries where I had to fake it every time. Once you fake it, you can’t take it back. All I’m doing is inflating their ego and giving the next girl something to live up to. I definitely don’t envy guys that go their entire sexual lives, never completely sure if he knows exactly what he’s doing because there are actresses out there like me. It’s like when you make your dog chase its tail for 20 minutes and then feel bad and finally throw them a freaking bone. They worked so hard and all they want is a reward.
Easier Said Than Done
It’s so easy to tell someone to stop putting unnecessary pressure on themselves. Or to just let go of the bullshit and “get yours”. I’m all for having sex with whomever you want, whenever you want, and wherever you want. I do, obviously considering my very long list of locations I’ve deflowered. It took me years of faking it, not really enjoying sex, and just outright inexperience to realize WHY I wasn’t having an orgasm. Realizing that it was my comfort level, maybe the wrong position, lack of stimulation, or even the pressure I felt to have an orgasm in general, was a sense of relief. These are things that can be fixed, and fixed easily. Many vibrators and a lot of solo missions allowed me to learn how my body worked, what I liked, and that I could have amazing orgasms. I then incorporated the things I liked in the bedroom with a partner, learning different positions to give me what I wanted. However, I didn’t do this with a one night stand or a random I fucked on vacation. Being so young, I can only hope that I’ll continue to learn how to make myself comfortable and soon enough, I won’t be mentally cockblocking myself from the orgasm I crave. I’m still in my early twenties and there are many men and orgasms in my future. The worst thing we could do is pull the covers over our head and expect it to go away. We have to find solutions and work to get to where we want to be, just like anything else in life. Again, this is easier said than done. Which means I’ll just have to keep on having the best practice sessions a girl can take on.