Host of the Seriously Single podcast Brianne Hogan joins Lorrae to deep dive into dating – or rather, the celebrations and commiserations of being single!

Lorrae and Brianne nudge us towards the path of self-love, acceptance, and understanding in their insightful chat about prioritizing our happiness and well-being, approaching dating with openness and self-exploration, and creating a meaningful life for ourselves before a romantic partner.

Why Being Single Is Better

Lorrae: It’s been so much fun to hear about all of the different angles of being single that you’re chatting about on your podcast, Seriously Single – not just the exciting positives and freedom, but the challenges too. So what inspired you to start this podcast and start being vocal about being single?

Brianne: Honestly, it’s because I’ve been single for most of my adulthood, but I’ve never really talked about it. It’s just been something that my friends in my inner circle know about me. 

I’ve just been Brianne. I go to weddings by myself, I travel by myself, I move across the country by myself. And I had never really thought to own that because I still think there’s such a stigma attached to, especially as a woman, being so single and so independent.

I think it was me finally embracing it. Look at all that I’ve accomplished and look at this life that I’ve been able to have for myself. Why am I not singing from the rooftops that I’m single and look what I’ve done, look who I am?

I think I’ve also thought “why am I single and why don’t I have a plus one, or why am I not traveling with someone?” Instead of flipping that and being like, “but how cool is it for me to actually do these things on my own?”

Lorrae: I love that. Yeah, I feel like there’s so much societal shame and stigma. Even though I’ve been in a lot of long-term relationships, I have traveled solo, done a lot solo, and much of my business has been built in these times where I’m not distracted by dating.

I always have my most major business growths when I’m not in a relationship because I’m actually focusing on building the things that I’m passionate about and doing the things that make me me. 

Whereas I feel like when I’ve been in relationships, I can kind of lose myself or I invest so much energy into making it work and communicating and spending time together that I just don’t have time for these other things that make me me. And those moments are really valuable.

Brianne: They are. There’s this thing about, we think we’re waiting. If we’re not in a partnership with someone, we’re waiting for that to happen so a lot of us can put our life on hold and we don’t do the things that we really wanna do or we’re doing them with the expectation that someone’s gonna come in eventually and somehow make our lives better. 

But the fact is, why are we doing that to ourselves? Your life right now, whether or not you’re partnered, is meaningful and you owe it to yourself to make yourself happy and live the best possible life. 

And the person who may or may not come in, because some people don’t want to be partnered and that’s totally fine, if they come in that’s just the cherry on top of the sundae you’ve created for your life. Like that’s not the whole sundae. A person should never be the whole sundae. It should just be like the part that enhances it and if it doesn’t enhance it, then why bother?

Lorrae: I think that that’s a trap that I’ve honestly kind of fallen into. I really love love. I love diving into love. And I wouldn’t say that I’ve necessarily waited around to build my life for it. But when I’m in these moments of taking an intentional detox from relationships and potentially not dating, I look around and I’m like, “what else is bringing me meaning?”

I’ve built things in my career and I’ve traveled and I’ve done all this but sometimes I’ve definitely been like, “but I love sitting with somebody at a bar and flirting or driving around the country with somebody else and going to Vegas and all these fun things that I’ve done with partners.”

But when I actually look back at the reality of the relationship, I realize I’m playing the highlights reel and telling myself that that’s how it is all the time. When in reality, it was a lot of unhappy nights or in an argument or compromising on the things that make me me and not embracing myself. Whereas being single, I now get to give those things back to myself.

Brianne: Being single is a very powerful time to do that, to work on yourself.

Breaking Relationship Cycles and Finding Self Worth in Dating

Lorrae: What are some of the ways that you have gotten super deep with yourself to really fill that space in meaningful intentional ways that light you up?

Brianne: I think honestly, the last few years have been the most potent for me. I think COVID and the pandemic actually really helped with that because I was by myself. I moved to a city across the country where I knew no one and I was by myself for most of the pandemic, so talk about being single and alone. 

But it was really powerful because it allowed me to really look at myself and to really do a deep dive into who I am and ask myself questions that I don’t know if we actually take the time to.

What are things that I’m ashamed of about myself? Some deep shadow work that I think is crucial to one’s development because you really get to understand yourself in terms of why you do what you do. What are your patterns? Why have you shown up in your life the way you’ve shown up, including in relationships? 

I’ve had to get really honest about why I’m single. I’ve had to ask myself that. “Why have you been single for so long?” That’s the biggest question.

And also acknowledging the things that I’m ashamed of, but also celebrating things about myself too. So a lot of inner work, I think, has been primarily the biggest stuff that I’ve been able to do over the last few years, so I can truly understand myself, accept myself – which is huge – and love myself – which is huge.

Lorrae: It’s hard because we know ourselves the most intimately. And sometimes I actually think that I was turning to relationships to run from, or distract from facing those dark parts of myself. 

I had overcome so much sexual shame and shame about kink and about being poly. But when things would get uncomfortable when I was solo, I would just be like, “give me the next distraction.” It’s ultimately distracting me from those deeper questions that I’ve been asking myself now.

Then I’m asking myself, “what is it that I’m running from? Do I have trouble being alone or? Do I feel like my life doesn’t have meaning or purpose? And if so, what would bring it meaning and purpose?”

And it’s so interesting to chat with you where your life is also surrounded by sex and dating and relationships in your professional life, but you’re approaching it differently in your personal life.

Brianne: That’s another thing that I find really ironic about myself is that I write a lot about sex and relationships, I offer a lot of wisdom or advice, or I talk to people who give their wisdom and advice, but I’m not taking it.

Lorrae: I feel the same way because I give great advice about toxic relationships, but ooh, do I love me a good one.

Brianne: Right? Honestly, I was in a situationship for like five years with my ex-boyfriend 20 years ago, which is a whole other story. And I knew better, but I still did it. I still let myself pursue it. 

So that’s about the whole shadow work or self development. I had to be really honest with myself.

Lorrae: Sometimes I feel like our mind knows what is right, but our heart falls into these familiar patterns that we’re so used to. 

I’ve realized I just keep dating my mom over and over and she just looks different. These people are just embodying these characteristics that play like my own childhood traumas. And I’m trying to distance myself from that now. I can’t date my mom one more time.

Brianne: Right, and I get that. I’ve been chasing after my dad. 

It’s like, “Breanne, when are you just going to heal that part of yourself and be attracted to someone different?” And that was a huge thing. And I kind of broke the cycle this past summer with just a short term thing, but it was somebody who was completely different than any man that I’ve ever been involved with.

He was so into me and I was so used to guys who are not into me. I’m used to chasing somebody. And when someone is interested in me, I run away. So that’s been my pattern. So this guy finally put a mirror up to me and I was like, “Brianne, don’t run and just enjoy what this man is trying to give you.” 

It’s actually good for you to break the cycle of what you’re doing to yourself, which is ultimately not giving me what I want.

Lorrae: What did it feel like to be with somebody that was embodying such different qualities? What did that bring up in you?

Brianne: Well, I was f***ing scared. I was so scared. It was just so uncomfortable for me. 

When I say scared, it was more uncomfortable. 

So that was another piece of self-worth that I’ve been working on. Why do I feel scared when someone’s interested in me? And why do I question why someone’s interested in me? Because that’s another thing that would come up. “Why is he so into me? What’s his problem?”

New Levels of Pleasure and First Orgasms with Sex Toys

Lorrae: I love that you bring up sexuality too, because I know so many folks that get into relationships and then they think about sexual connection second. And then they’re like, “how do we build this and navigate that we have wildly different kinks and libidos,” and that can be a really hard place.

So I think talking about those things openly and really knowing yourself intimately before you get into a relationship – knowing what your own desires are, what your vibe is, what you enjoy – is so important.

How has that journey for you manifested as understanding yourself as a sex positive woman and a sexual being?

Brianne: It’s a surprise to me that I actually am, because I didn’t have sex until I was 22.

I went to a Catholic school and we didn’t talk about sex at school and we didn’t talk about sex at my house and it wasn’t because I thought it was bad or anything in my house. It just wasn’t talked about.

So I really had no compass about sex for a while. I never thought it was dirty or anything like that. I just didn’t have a really big opinion about it. 

And then when I met my ex, who actually is the same person I was just referring to when I was 22, it was this whole revelation where I was like, “oh my gosh, I’m so sexually attracted to someone for the first time.”

I remember wanting to learn more about it because I’m somebody who’s very inquisitive. I thought I should learn more about sex because I want to learn about why this thing is the thing that we want, how can I make it better, and not just for him. This was actually really important for me and I’m proud of myself, because I wanted to make it better for me.

I wanted to learn how to make the sexual experience pleasurable for me. How do I make this something that I want to enjoy?

I then got my first sex toy when I was in my early 20s. And it kept building from there. Now, because I write about sex, I get sex toys every month.

Lorrae: I need to show you this real quick. It’s so cute. I actually just got the Magic Wand Micro. Have you seen these? It’s so cute. It’s like the size of a key chain. I haven’t opened it yet, butI’m super excited to have a travel friendly version. 

It was sex toys that really opened up pleasure for me because before when I first started having sex, it was very performative.

I felt like I had to move a certain way and moan a certain way and look a certain way to please my partner. But I didn’t really feel super embodied in it and I didn’t even realize that I was just playing the sex kitten that I saw in porn. 

I was playing a role and once I got my first vibrator, I realized there’s something in it for me and then that became my journey to like actually move towards pleasure and connection and finding what feels good to me. 

Particularly when I got the Magic Wand, I had the OG first with just like the two settings. I found that there is a different level that I didn’t know I could get to. It opened up my world that my body could feel that way.

Brianne: Mine was like a finger, you just put it around your finger and it was battery operated. They had double A batteries.

I think it’s just been a very organic journey for me. I’m interested in learning more about my body. I like orgasms. I like to feel sexy. I like to feel in my body.

I would go to sex toy shops and I would get sex toys. It would be something that felt so normal. I didn’t grow up in a household that promoted that, but for me, for whatever reason, it was very normal.

I think it was a part of me that just needed unleashing – but that was probably always there because I never felt any shame about it. I’m very lucky because I’ve never felt shame about exploring my sexuality, buying sex toys, any of that.

While celebrating their lives as single girlies, Brianne and Lorrae lead by example, exploring their own vulnerabilities, inner children, and past traumas to heal from the past and break out of toxic patterns. In a time of new beginnings, Brianne and Lorrae encourage us to embrace the journey of self-discovery while learning how to enjoy being single.

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Episode Resources

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