So it is a fine British night and I hope you’ll excuse me, I’ve had a few doubles and I am definitely feeling warm and fuzzy inside…

The birth of The Slut starts with the baby stage: The Slutty Virgin.

During this phase of your life, you feel you are not yet ready or prepared for full on penis penetration (assuming heterosexual sex is your thing, of course). You don’t want to get chlamydia and die. Good choice, I’d say.

“Everything but” is on the menu.

So you’ve never had sex, and right now it’s not on your agenda. You aren’t bothered about losing your virginity, (or you’re not even sure that virginity exists as anything other than a social construct). Some want to save it for someone they really care about, or someone that’s “worth it”. Or maybe you haven’t finished training your vagina with your Impulse deodorant, idk. Either way, you aren’t having sex.

You are amazing at giving blowjobs though and have been complimented on your skills many a time. Yes, you may have a reputation for being promiscuous, however, the people who believe you to be such a “dirty whore“, are those with not an inch of experience or intelligence…

If you are under the age of 20, then I would safely say that being a slutty virgin is finding the perfect balance between teenage hormones and life and… stuff. Actually, I don’t really know what I mean…

Being a slutty virgin is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not a negative label, just like the word “slut” isn’t a negative label. Re-claiming phrases, words, and their meanings gives us power over whether people successfully insult and belittle us. So, don’t ever let anyone put themselves on a pedestal by calling you a “slutty virgin”, especially not a fellow slutizen. We are all in this together.

If you feel that you radiate the confidence and seductive persona of a full-blown slut, yet don’t know how it feels to have a throbbing penis with a guy on the other end inside of you (sometimes it’s not that great, so you aren’t missing out), here are a few signs that you may be one of the many slutty virgins out there – and some pointers to help you make it through.

1. You haven’t had sex.

It’s in the name: slutty VIRGIN. You might have done “everything but”, or have had a fair bit of experience with all things handy and pleasurable. If you have not had sex but have experience with oral/hand jobbies, you are a slutty virgin.

2. Your friends ask you for oral sex advice.

You are the professor of pleasure among your peers. When your friend swallows cum and asks you if she’s pregnant, you know the answer. It’s a yes… (Joking! It’s a no!)

If she wants to know what to do with her other hand whilst giving head, you know the answer: you could cup his balls, play with yourself, touch his body: everything! The possibilities are endless. Read The Slutty Girl’s Ultimate Guide to Blow Jobs for more detailed advice.

3.  People think you’ve had sex.

You have heard from everyone but people who you are close with that you have had full on dirty sexy threesomes with people you didn’t even know existed. People expect you to be the one with all the sex experience and troubles. Maybe even a few STIs. This is simply not true. Maybe you have cold sores every now and again, but this is only because your mum kissed you once when she had one coming, GOD MOM!

4. You dress like a Victoria’s Secret model.

What even are pants? Wait, you mean my legs aren’t gonna be out? What sort of hell do you live in? The way you like to dress probably caused a bit of a kafuffle. Your headmaster pulls you out of class and says, “Has your mother ever used the word tart?” You wonder when the fuck he saw that you’re wearing your barely-there lace numbers…

5. People use the term slutty to describe you.

They use this word with a negative connotation, but anyone with half a brain cell recognizes that the shaming of women for their sexual activities is fucking stupid. In fact, the shaming of women, in general, is fucking ridiculous. Feel free to embrace this disregard for women’s rights, we don’t give a flying cunt. You suck and we fuck: or in this case, we don’t.

6. You swallow, and you swallow well.

You didn’t know what else to do when he blew his load in your mouth. You just swallowed! Ew gross. Is there a glass of water?

It never even occurred to you that spitting was an option. Why spit? It would have been messy and sticky and slimy and do I have to say more? You’d have to endure it for longer if you were to spit than to swallow. Where would you spit? Run to the bathroom to brush your teeth with his offspring? I don’t think so.


As Linkin Park put it, “in the end, it doesn’t even matter”. Once you leave school, you realize that all this popular and unpopular bullshit is irrelevant. Your success outside of school, socially or career-wise, is totally unrelated to what when on in high school (or even college). Usually, the bullies you suffer are the ones with little going for them in the future, so keep your head up (and that guy’s dick) because you have big things ahead of you! Dicks and opportunities and a whole ocean to find the person to hold your hand as you dip your toes in the pool of penetration.