Relationships are complicated, confusing, and exhausting. Once you put so much effort into one guy, it is super hard to see them go, no matter who broke up with who. What we as woman need to remember is that casual sex with our ex-boyfriends (ex-girlfriends, ex-datefriends, etc.) is not going to bring them back! We have all forgotten that… sometimes a bit too often. Whenever I am back home for breaks, I still sometimes call my ex, even though we’ve been broken up for years. But, I’ve since realized that it’s a terrible idea… and here is why:

“But I thought I was over him?”

Having sex with any of your exes has the potential to bring back your feelings… or his. Whether it’s you or him catching feelings, it’s not fair and it’s very painful… unless you are actually getting back together. Why should you be reminded of that terrible feeling – someone not wanting to be with you – after you thought you were over it? It’s easy to get close to this person again because you are reminded of that comfortable feeling you once shared with them. You spent so much time getting closer to that person when you were in a relationship; and that isn’t just going to go away, even if you aren’t “boyfriend and girlfriend”.  There’s nothing worse than re-opening old wounds, only to be turned town. When you broke up with each other, you were done with that chapter of your life for a reason. Why would you ever go back?

It Gets Confusing

Once you hookup with an ex, or even spend a night over his house, it can bring up some extremely awkward conversation and dilemmas. You have a history together. What are you two now, after you leave? Are you talking? Are you going to date again? Or was it just supposed to be casual sex? Well, the whole point of casual sex is to avoid the whole feelings part – but when you are having sex with an ex, it’s almost impossible to separate the two worlds.  Go out and have casual sex with one of the other billions of men out there – NOT your ex! You’ve been there and done that anyway.

Using Him as a Back-up

Sometimes, if you’ve been talking with a guy and it doesn’t quite work out, it’s easy to call that loyal ex-boyfriend who was always down to eat pizza and have sex with you… no matter what. When you have a backup plan, its almost like you are not trying as hard for that new relationship… because you know if it doesn’t work out, you have someone else to fall back on. Not only are you doing yourself an injustice by not meeting someone better, but your ex doesn’t deserve that, either. No matter how big of an asshole he is, no one deserves to be strung along. Give yourself and your ex the opportunity to be happy with someone else, so delete his number and find someone else to have meaningless sex with post-breakup.

He’s Seeing Someone Else

Since you haven’t had the “defining the relationship talk”, odds are that he is sleeping with someone else besides you. Once you find out he’s not your partner exclusively, you know you will be super hurt, even if it truly is “casual sex with the ex”. You might still be hooking up with other guys, but the second you find out there is another girl in the picture, you will be devastated. The rude awaking happens when you realize you can’t really be mad because you aren’t together like you used to be, and he isn’t yours anymore.

It Always Ends Bad

Someone (probably my mother, because she’s a genius) once told me, “If you are able to be friends with an ex – you are either still in love, or you never were.” I always find myself thinking about this because it is so true. Any time I have been able to remain friends with someone I’ve dated, it was because I wanted him back, or because I never loved him at all. And the one I did love, but don’t anymore, after trying over and over again to work out – we have a no contact rule. If you try to make something work again after it didn’t the first hundred times, it isn’t going to magically work now. You already ended this relationship once, why would you want to do it again? Whatever you two are is going to have to end sometime, and it will probably be just as hard as the initial breakup. Do you really want to end up drowning in a pint of ice-cream, listening to Adele, and downing a bottle of wine again? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

If you ever are thinking about going back to an ex-boyfriend, just remember why you broke up originally. Did he always leave the toilet seat up? Did he chew with his mouth open? Did he try to sleep with your best friend? Was he going bald? Whatever the case, no matter your reason or his, it was bad enough to stop the relationship… and that should also prevent you from starting it again, casual or otherwise. Focus more on finding someone new! If you put half as much effort into finding a new guy than you did into trying to figure out the old one – you’d have a new boy by now. Also, when you get that 12:30 booty call text from your ex, I promise that it will feel fucking great to say “Nah sorry, I’m actually with someone else right now.”