It can sometimes feel awkward to talk about your kinks with your partner. But talking about your fantasies and desires can be just as sexy as the sex itself! You want to explore your body, their body, and try something new together, and that’s, honestly, super hot.
Whether sex has become routine or you’ve just always wanted to try something kinky with your partner, actually talking about your fantasies and making them happen might feel more intimidating than the act itself.
It has the potential to get awkward if not handled correctly, so we spoke with Alice Little, a sex worker at Nevada’s Moonlite Bunny Ranch, who has become well versed in the world of kink, in part due to encounters with folks who have all sorts of sexual interests! Here’s our best expert advice on how to approach a conversation about your kinks with your partner!
Communicating With Your Partner
“Trying something new all comes down to communication first! Injecting excitement into the bedroom is a frequent focus for visitors at the ranch,” Alice said.
To keep it sexy, she recommends having “a date night with your significant other and pouring a few glasses of wine (or enjoy a nice quiet night by the fire, if you don’t drink). When the conversation starts to flow, ask them if there’s anything they’ve always wanted to try in the bedroom. Their natural reaction after answering will usually be to ask you in return.”
“Be honest about what you’re interested in, keeping in mind that you want to ease your partner into an idea that may be radically different from what you currently are sharing with one another in the bedroom.”
For example, a foot fetish is very common, but if you’ve never expressed your desire for foot play, you might still be a bit shy talking about it. You could even first try exploring this on your own, even as a side hustle with selling feet pics to explore the kink, or try a foot massage or erotic foot job if you’re ready to dive in!
It can definitely help to do a little research into your kink before starting a conversation about it. If you are unfamiliar with the activities you want to try, make sure to browse some blogs or “watch some informational videos from a competent source” before diving in to exploring.
“Learning how to do the things you’re interested in is just as important as doing them, and can be a fun bonding experience and inform both of you about how you feel about the kind of encounters you’d like to try!” Alice adds.
Limits, Boundaries, and Safe Words
Limits and boundaries should always be discussed beforehand, even if you think you know each other inside out. It’s especially important when exploring rough play or power play, which can be physically and emotionally intense.
When you’re both on the same page about your “hell yes” and “hell no” lists, you can both get lost in the experience without having to worry about stepping over a line. To better support this, also agree on a safe word that can instantly put play on pause.
“I like the color system, yellow means slow down or pull back activities because you’re at your limit, and red means full stop,” Alice said.
Aftercare and Asking For What You Need
An important part of kinky encounters is aftercare. Alice offers, “Talk with one another about what you might need physically or emotionally after the encounter. That could be heartfelt cuddling to reconnect, a simple glass of water, or some time to process the experience.”
In BDSM, the point of aftercare is to make the sub feel accepted, wanted, safe, secure, and comfortable. For a Dom, aftercare is also necessary to reaffirm the connection and reassure that they are appreciated and their actions were pleasurable for the sub too. (Of course, if this isn’t the case, communication is also essential!)
“Use your words so you can get exactly what you need!” Alice added.