It’s 9AM. You wake up, yawn a little, and stretch your legs. You quickly notice that there are a pair of arms surrounding you and you have no idea where you are. You are still groggy and irritable, and your mouth is plagued with terrible morning breath, but you know you need to get the bleep out of there pronto. So how do you survive the morning after the drunk hump? Here are some tips, tricks, and tactics to successfully survive the morning after your slutty night.
Gather Your Belongings
The first step is to gather all of your things. If this was any normal hookup, you could easily call him up and let him know you forgot your Ray Bans at his house… but this is not a normal hookup. You want to get the eff out of there as quickly and gracefully as possible and make sure you have everything you came with. Make a mental check list in your head. Do you have your phone, your shoes, your charger, your purse, your wallet, your iPad? If you left your Ray Bans at his house and he is just a drunk hump, you are not going to want to go back and get them sober. Make sure you have everything. To prevent forgetting, I normally make a list of everything I have in my purse and wallet before I go out. This will help you when you are hungover and trying to remember if you brought your debit card out last night.
Look For Clues
After a one night stand, it is very important to look for clues… because let’s be honest, you don’t remember much of the night. Chances are you don’t know this guy, and you may feel uncomfortable asking him about what happened. Look for pictures on your phone, condom wrappers, solo cups, empty bags, food wrappers, and such. Try to find out who this guy is, why you found him attractive, and exactly what you guys did last night.
Leave in a Graceful Fashion
Do not, I repeat, do not, make a scene. If he is not awake and you want to see him again, leave a note. In fact, it is polite to leave a note anyway. Simply say you had fun last night and if he wants to do it again, leave your number for him. Do not do anything that will make him think you are clingy, or worse yet, needy. His worst nightmare after a drunk hump is waking up and finding breakfast by his bed and coffee waiting for him… and it’s equally frightening if he does that for you. If he wakes up before you, plan an exit strategy. Say you have to babysit, have church, or have to work. Make it believable and make it seem like you really do have to go.
You have absolutely no idea who you will see on your way out of his apartment, dorm, house, or building. What if you see your grandmother on her way home from church and you are dressed in a short see through leopard print number? I always pack an emergency overnight kit of a pair of sunglasses, a hair tie, and a pair of comfy yoga shorts. You don’t want the entire apartment building knowing you are on a walk of shame. Make as little noise as possible when you leave, and get out of there as quickly as possible.
Some ‘What Ifs’…
…because we all know that no two Drunk Humps are the same.
What if he’s at your place?
This situation is very tricky. You want him to just leave so you can recover with an iced coffee and Gossip Girl, and he isn’t making any moves. Try your best to sound as busy as possible if you want him to leave. Whether it’s work or class, make up an excuse. If all else fails, say your mom is coming over for brunch in 20 minutes. Chances are he will be running out of your apartment as fast as he can. Another proven tactic is to call him a cab. Tell him that you have called him a cab and it will be here in 20 minutes. Call the cab and open up the door. The nice guys will leave their numbers, and I promise you if he is worth it and wants to see you again, he will find a way.
What if you actually like him?
We’ve all been there. You realize in the morning that damn, he’s actually kinda cute. So where do you go now? You two just woke up and you immediately feel like you don’t need to rush him out. Joke around with him. Say “well, that was fun” or “wow, that escalated quickly”. Show him you are fun to be around and to talk to. Have a casual, relaxed, non-awkward conversation with him to show him you are more than just some ditsy girl he met at the bar. Show him that you are a person with substance, and you can roll even after your one night stand.
What if he’s not a stranger?
This can be a very tricky situation. Whether he is a friend, roommate, classmate or coworker, it is impossible to deny that things will change between you. Sometimes this is the little much needed push that can spark a relationship or a good hookup situation. Then again, things could become mega awkward between you and you can find yourself searching a course catalog to try to avoid him or searching the classifieds. Though it may sound like a terrible situation, at least you kind of know him or know someone who knows him. He is not some random you met at the bar. You feel comfortable going over there if you forgot something or making sure he used protection. The downside is your friends might never forget that you hooked up with your freshman year neighbor or your best friend’s boyfriend’s cousin. Chances are that he will tell people and it will come back to haunt you but is it really all that regrettable? You didn’t hook up with a random. You know his name and a little bit about him.
What if you didn’t use protection?
You should always make sure that you use protection. Sometimes you forget or are unaware that you did not use protection. It is very important to make sure the person you hooked up with used protection and take actions if he did not. It may be awkward but especially if he is a one night stand, you need to ask the right questions or look for evidence. If he didn’t use a condom and you are not on the pill, you need to research your options. If you are on the pill and he did not use a condom, it may still be a good idea to research your options and keep an eye on any abnormalities. Chances are everything will be fine, but it is very important to know before you leave what happened and if you were protected.
What if you meet his friends?
Meeting a guy’s friends sober is sometimes uncomfortable. Imagine doing it at 11AM while they are all sitting around watching the football game after a hookup. Though it may be a bit awkward and you may want to get out of there, take a moment to assess the situation. Do they notice your presence or are they desensitized by a girl walking out of their roommate’s room after bar night? They will probably try to talk to you or say something to you as you exit. Who a man chooses to be friends with says a lot about him, especially if you think he is a prospect. Are his friends rude or are they nice to you? Do they seem incredibly douche baggy or do they seem like a good group of guys? Generally a nice guy is not friends and roommates with six or seven douche bags. Though he may be nothing like his friends, chances are he is very similar to the people he hangs with.
So there you go! Keep calm and slut on! Remember to always stay safe and never drink too far past your limits. Though a “Drunk Hump” may be fun, it can have serious consequences if you are not safe. So the next time you wake up and want to book it out of his apartment, keep this tricks and tips in mind to make your walk of shame a bit less shameful. Now, if the term “Drunk Hump” goes live and hits urban dictionary anytime soon, you heard it here first. Good Luck!