It wasn’t until I read Fifty Shades of Grey that I figured out I was kinky. (Thanks, Ms. James!) Now, keeping in mind that the BDSM featured in Fifty Shades of Grey is not even remotely close to real BDSM and shouldn’t be used as a model, reading the series did bring up some serious questions for me about my sexuality.

I suddenly wanted to try things like being dominated, wear super high heeled boots, pin my partner down onto the bed, and be tied up against the wall. I thought I’d had it all figured out before, but it turned out I was (luckily) wrong. Because here’s the thing about being kinky…. It makes sex, which is already super fun, even more fun.

Consider this your Kink 101 class in a single post. Keep reading for tips on kink, an overview on different types and how to get started.

What is Kinky?

In order to fully answer if you are kinky, the FIRST question is “What is kinky?” and “What does it mean to be kinky?”

Merriam Webster’s dictionary defines kink as:

“Relating to, having, or appealing to unconventional tastes especially in sex; also :  sexually deviant.”

However, I prefer the definition from 150 Shades of Play. It’s much more open and self-explanatory about not only what kink IS, but also what constitutes it:

“What is kink? It’s the opposite of plain ol’ vanilla sex, the opposite of doing it in the same position 2.4 times a month, the opposite of just lying back and thinking of England. Kink is dramatic, deliberate, and dirty. When people talk about spicing things up, kink is Tabasco sauce.”

When you think about it like that, it makes sense that MOST people are kinky. You don’t have to be chained up against the wall in order to be considered kinky (though if you’re into that, go for it!). Even adding a blindfold or roleplaying would put you in some part of the kinky camp.

Speaking of blindfolds, we love this one from Pipedream.

Similar to kinks are fetishes. While kinks tend to be more about the interactions and dynamics between people, fetishes tend to be sexual responses to objects (like having a leather, shoe, or balloon fetish). In that case, someone is really turned on by people wearing leather… Not for the people, but in fact for the leather. There’s also fetishes that are sexual responses to objectified body parts. Ever heard a man say he’s an ass man? Well, there’s two different levels of that… He might just really think asses or hot (not necessarily an ass fetish) OR he might be all about worshipping that ass, massaging it, back door sex, or sex in doggie style (which is more of an ass fetish).

Exploring Your Kinks

Later that year after reading 50 Shades, I was lucky to stumble upon easily one of the best books about sex I’ve ever read… Stanley Siegel’s Your Brain On Sex: How Smarter Sex Can Change Your Life. Stanley Siegel is a psychotherapist with over 36 years of experience in developing a unique, sexy approach to the field. In his book (one of many), he discusses how normal fantasy is and how our fantasies lead to our sexual preferences. It so normalizes the existence of fantasies and kink that it makes any reader feel okay about who they are and what they prefer. Full of exercises that you can do with or without a partner, this book was crucial to my own sleuthing about my kinks. I’ve read it both with and without partners and have learned something new every time. I recommend it to every slut out there!

Okay, but what the last thing you want to do is buy ANOTHER book (um, we’re looking at you, textbooks). Well, don’t worry. There are PLENTY of things you can do and read to learn more about the wonderful world of kink!

First, there are tons of websites dedicated to exploring and educating about kinks and fetishes. Xeromag’s BDSM section has incredible guides on all aspects of BDSM, from beginner questions and concerns – to more detailed advice on various types of BDSM activities. It’s a fabulous resource for any beginner to read and get acquainted with the main concepts and the psychology behind it. Other sites have tons of in-depth guides various aspects of BDSM – from simply communicating with your partner to specific play methods like flogging and nipple torture. For specifics, check out the resources at A Submissive’s Initiative, Evil Monk, Frugal Domme, and Collar n Cuffs. For more specific perspectives and advice tailored to your role, visit Dominant Guide, Submissive Guide, or Best Slave Training.

Also, start to read blogs – which give more of a personal perspective on BDSM and it’s real-life integration, rather than just techniques. There are many of them about all different forms of kink, fetishes and BDSM. Some of my favorites include A Master’s View of the BDSM World, from the POV of a BDSM Dominant. This is especially fabulous if you identify as a Dominant, and are interested in learning more techniques and the psychology of the D/s dynamic. If you don’t see yourself being a dominant, you may be a submissive. You may also be a switch, which is alternating between Dominant and submissive roles. If you’d like to check out some naughty NSFW pics and gifs, check out this Tumblr blog or the TONS of Tumblr blogs also dedicated to kink & fetish photos and gifs. You can also check out this list of fetish and BDSM blogs, which is fabulous to help encourage full representation of all types of people – and to help you find a role model or voice similar to your own! Explore around!

Experimenting With Kink

If you’re still not sure what your kinks are, don’t be afraid to experiment with different things that fall under the kink umbrella. (This goes for people who know their kinks, too!) Experimenting could include various forms of BDSM (restraint, impact play, pain play, humiliation, power exchange), roleplay, swinging, threesomes & moresomes, and exhibitionism (that means you get turned on having sex where people might see you, i.e. in an airplane bathroom, or on a dark, sweaty dance floor). The great thing about kink is that there really is a kink and/or a fetish for everyone. For more ideas, check out this never exhaustible list!

Curious about impact play? This paddle is great for beginners.

If you’re interested in trying some beginner’s ideas, os as I like to call it, Kink-Lite – try having sex in the shower (YES, that’s a kink!), having a partner you trust blindfold you in bed, or bring out the claws (yes, scratching is also a kink). But what about fetishes? Buy something new in leather, latex, or get a pair of kick-ass Dominatrix-esque heels. Or try fantasizing about your partner’s body, or someone else entirely. For example, my partner, M, has a GREAT dick and I know I can get myself to come in bed when I just start thinking about it.

If you KNOW you’re kinky, good for you! Be proud of that kink. If you’re single and experimenting with new partners, be bold enough to bring up ideas about what to try in bed. Sex is NOT a one size fits all and you can choose to have different TYPES of sex at different times. If your partner is uncomfortable (whether it’s a partner for a night or a long-term partner) with your new found kinkiness, then they’re probably not someone you want to be sleeping with long-term. Being sexually compatible often means being able to explore together, experiment with new ideas, and try new things!

Consent, Limits, and Safe Words

As always… if you’re experimenting, be sure to do it safely and smartly. Protection is important both physically and emotionally. If you do not feel comfortable engaging in a certain type of kink with someone, say so! Set your hard and soft limits!

What are hard and soft limits, you ask? BDSM can get intense, and as many kinks and fetishes easily fall into the BDSM arena, it’s important for both partners to know what you will and absolutely won’t try. Setting limits in kink play DOES NOT mean you’re any less kinky than any one else. It just means that you have boundaries, just like everyone else, and would feel uncomfortable if  they were crossed. When M and I started experimenting with BDSM, we found this really incredible print out list of BDSM activities, which you can easily go through with a partner to learn about different kinks, and find out what’s appealing, not appealing, or a total no-go for you. By choosing your hard limits (things you absolutely won’t do) and your soft limits (things you’re not super sure about and aren’t sure you want to try), you can have better kinky experiences that are comfortable for all. It will also help you see what you definitely like, and open up the many shades of grey in between.

Another thing… safe words, or words which when said indicate that you and your partner should totally STOP activity, are incredibly important. In many play scenarios, saying “no” or “stop” may be part of play – so it’s important to choose unique, solid words and to communicate them to your partner BEFORE you get started in any play. Some common safe words include red (meaning a hard, immediate stop), yellow (slow down or ease up), or green (go ahead). If you’re going to simply say stop or no, be careful to only say these words when you really want them to stop. You can also definitely come up with a word that is so jolting that you’re guaranteed to stop when you hear it (i.e. there’s a Family Guy episode in which Lois uses the word ‘banana’). Words like that are less likely to get confused and strewn throughout the sex. For more on safe words, check out this great resource.

Developing Your Kinks

If you’re curious in developing your kinkiness further, there are so many resources, including the ones I listed above, as well as communities and chat groups that will certainly walk you through various forms of kink. Ranker collected a list of recommended BDSM social networks. FetLife is the most recommended, as it’s a large and well-established community for all types of kinks and fetishes, informative and open-minded, and is free and anonymous when signing up.

When you sign up, make sure to pick a super anonymous nickname… no need to put everything out there. They will ask for your age, where you live, how you identify yourself, and what you feel like your role in bed is. This isn’t just for Dominants or submissives. Are you a fetishist? Do you want to be a Daddy’s Girl? Or a princess during the day and a slut at night? There are so many options. During sign up, they also ask you what you’re interested in. Friendship? Events? An LTR? A playmate? You can check multiple things to suit your interests. It’s definitely not all about hooking up. There’s a lot of people just looking to learn, connect, share photos, or even sell fetish items.

FetLife is all about connecting through the groups, which I highly recommend checking out. There’s a group for everyone, whether you’re a newbie, have a specific fetish or kink, or identify a certain way. Each group has a forum with various conversation threads. Though it can get overwhelming, the most popular groups are generally popular for a good reason. They are informative, helpful, and share a lot of information – and most of the people in them are very helpful, kind, and open-minded.

While on FetLife, like any other social networking site, it’s important to have caution. Though the majority of kinksters are as normal as you or I, it’s highly important to keep yourself safe while exploring. Don’t give out personal information, including phone numbers or emails or anything like that until you know someone well. You may also want to consider keeping your face out of photos, depending on your lifestyle.

FetLife is also fabulous at connecting you with people and cool events in your town. If you’re looking to meet new like-minded people, check out local FetLife groups and start chatting. If you’re under thirty, look specifically for the “TNG” groups. This means “The Next Generation” and is specifically for people under thirty. If you’re into older people, then by all means, have a ball in larger groups! Many groups will have casual meet ups called “munches” at a local public space. You can meet people there first, then go to a party or fetish club with your new connections!

If you’re looking for interesting events in your area, check out your local groups and see what events they’re hosting. Kink events everywhere in the world, and especially popular if you’re in a major city. Many local FetLife groups are connected to specific kink-positive places – like a fetish club, sex shop, or kink community space – that may have their own website with events. Once you find an event, bring a friend, watch your alcohol intake so that you can still make clear decisions (though, if alcohol is allowed, feel free to have at least one drink to relax yourself), and explore slowly. When you do meet a potential kink Partner in Crime, watch out for these potential red flags.

As with anything sexual, kink is a journey, and a fun one at that. Whether you’re single or not, there’s some type of kink community for you and a TON of kinky resources online and elsewhere. Have fun and be safe, but most of all, may the kink be with you!

Still feeling confused? Have questions? Comments? Or a desire to share YOUR kinky stories?
Write to me in the comments and let’s talk kink!